Was engaging on a topic with Adeline about her friend who is able to go on and on, yaking non-stop, one-sidely about her stories & experiences.
At the same time I was actually studying Korean words but got bored and read up on a current Korean Drama I was watching - Best/Greatest Love. Then reading about Cha Seung Won then it lead to reading about his other drama City Hall where Kim Sun Ah was the female lead then it lead to comparison to her role in Kim Sam Soon then it lead to Hyun Bin then to Secret Garden and I chanced by this page.
To those who watched, in Secret Garden, Hyun Bin plays a rather eccentric role where his behaviours aren't really 'normal human being'. So yes, when he discovered that he developed feelings for Ha Ji Won, he will chant a really long chant to stop himself to be so obsessed thinking about or being around her.
As that page suggested, it explained the meaning of the chant. But while strolling to the bottom, the author added a line about what she thought Joo Won (Hyun Bin's character in Secret Garden) is like. At the very same time, Adeline was also describing how her friend was....
You can call it a coincidence or something but all along I was also trying to find out my own problem as to why I'm such a jia lat case in terms of interacting with ppl. I was experiencing a mad rush of:
a. I think Adeline's friend sound like me
b. I think what the author wrote about Joo Won sounds like me
c. But when I watched Secret Garden, I don't think I'm like Joo Won leh!
Since the wikipedia link of it was provided I went to read about it and... as it turned out, a lot of the points mentioned seemed to be me, my condition/characteristics?
I'm picked out what seems like 'describing me' and compiled the information below. Dark Pink is what I think is my trait :( and italic light blue are my comments.
What is it Asperger Syndrome?
It is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.
The Characteristics
Asperger syndrome is distinguished by a pattern of symptoms rather than a single symptom. It is characterized by qualitative impairment in social interaction. The lack of empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome. (Ppl always look at my blank face and ask 你有没有在听? or 你明不明白? =\)
Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others. For example, showing others objects of interest, a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture. (I wonder how I used to hang out with my primary school friends such as Huishan, Qifen, Shuping etc but one thing's for sure, I REALLY like writing letters back then and having so many penpals was something that made me happy cos I expressed better in letters.)
Individuals with AS often have excellent auditory and visual perception. Children with ASD often demonstrate enhanced perception of small changes in patterns such as arrangements of objects or images; typically this is domain-specific and involves processing of fine-grained features. They may be unusually sensitive or insensitive to sound, light, and other stimuli. (I remember positions of every item in my room cos I was the one who put it and I will get extremely irritated when somebody re-arranged my toys/books in my room. I remember which photos is in which photo album on which page. Yes, I am ultrasensitive to sound, I cannot shut any sound/music/words/noise coming through my ear. As a light sleeper, it's possible I don't get any sleep cos of all the sound happening outside my window.)
ASD is thought of as a condition mostly affecting males, with males up to four times more likely than females to be diagnosed with autism or Asperger syndrome. Autism may express differently in the sexes. Females may be more concerned with how they are viewed by peers and the failure to connect with people outside of their immediate family could lead to severe anxiety or clinical depression. Females with autism who have normal intelligence may be more socially disadvantaged than males because of the "rising level of social interaction that comes with growing up" when females' "friendships often hinge on attention to feelings and lots of rapid and nuanced communication."
Social Impact
For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions, such as a need for privacy or haste to leave. This social awkwardness has been called "active but odd". (So, does this is considered low EQ or due to character deficiency?)
This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive. Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people. Some may choose to talk only to people they like. (I dunno if it's a general thing for ppl to not talk to ppl they dislike and only talk to those who deem approachable. But I'm definitely not the one who is able to talk to JUST anybody. I know I used to have a weird phobia to not able to order food. I find it extremely hard to do it - be it over the counter, in restaurants or at hawker centre. =\)
People with AS may analyze and distill their observations of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines, and apply these rules in awkward ways resulting in a demeanor that appears rigid or socially naive. Childhood desire for companionship can become numbed through a history of failed social encounters. (Yeah, rigid, stubborn, weird logic/thinking and whatever you call it... )
Children with AS may be overly literal, and may have difficulty interpreting and responding to humour, irony, teasing, sarcasm, banter, or metaphorical speech. Difficulties with social interaction may also be manifest in a lack of play with other children. Although individuals with AS usually understand the cognitive basis of humor, they seem to lack understanding of the intent of humor to share enjoyment with others. (Yup, I can't tell apart. I take everything at face value. Only when ppl add 'just kidding' then I will take it as kidding, that's why I will be offended when they make comment like "Why u look so lok kok today!" or "Your bag don't quite match your outfit leh." Of all kinda of comments, don't say shit about my appearance can? I'm not fashionable or rich, I happy with my old fashion clothes can?)
People with Asperger syndrome often display behavior, interests, and activities that are restricted and repetitive and are sometimes abnormally intense or focused. They may stick to inflexible routines, move in stereotyped and repetitive ways.
People with AS often have a limited range of intonation: speech may be unusually fast, jerky or loud. Speech may convey a sense of incoherence; the conversational style often includes monologues about topics that bore the listener, fails to provide context for comments, or fails to suppress internal thoughts. Individuals with AS may fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation. The speaker's conclusion or point may never be made, and attempts by the listener to elaborate on the speech's content or logic, or to shift to related topics, are often unsuccessful. (Ya, the 'why I need to tell the whole world abt everything' comes in here. Not proud of it but sometimes can't help it :( When I am ranting about something, there tend not to be any conclusion/solution, it's just the act of wanting to 'talk it out about it'. It doesn't matter whether I; 1 - I don't like doing something I have to do, 2 - I don't do it but feel guilty for not doing it. Cos ultimately I always still just do it, just matter of level of buay song-ness cos of "the consequences of saying no or rejecting" *rolls eyes* hence, it results in the unbalance/unfairness I am feeling cos nobody bother to explain WHY. But then again, even if they explained, I would probably still 'dun get it')
The above problems can even arise in the family; given an unfavorable family environment, the child may be subject to emotional abuse. A child or teen with AS is often puzzled by this mistreatment, unaware of what has been done incorrectly. Unlike other pervasive development disorders, most children with AS want to be social, but fail to socialize successfully, which can lead to later withdrawal and asocial behavior, especially in adolescence. (A bit what I have explained in the previous paragraph)
A child with AS might be regarded as a "problem child" or a "poor performer." The child’s extremely low tolerance for what they perceive to be ordinary and mundane tasks, such as typical homework assignments, can easily become frustrating; a teacher may well consider the child arrogant, spiteful, and insubordinate. Lack of support and understanding, in combination with the child's anxieties, can result in problematic behaviour such as severe tantrums, violent and angry outbursts, and withdrawal. (I still AM regarded as a problematic & under-performer/under-achiever NOW anyway.)
Relationships
Two traits sometimes found in AS individuals are mind-blindness (the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and alexithymia (the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in oneself or others), which reduce the ability to be empathetically attuned to others. A second issue related to alexithymia involves the inability to identify and modulate strong emotions such as sadness or anger, which leaves the individual prone to "sudden affective outbursts such as crying or rage"
(Haiz. To be honest, I used to think I really am 'something wrong' cos of all these. I know my parents, sisters & a few close ones probably won't ever figure out and think I'm very short tempered, petty, cannot accept/take it lying, why so easily agitated over small/little things only? When I'm feeling that way, I only know how to sulk & 'angry at whole world')
People with AS may exhibit ongoing difficulty in social and romantic relationships as well as kinship. Most young adults with AS remain at home. The "different-ness" adolescents experience can be traumatic. People with AS report a feeling of being detached against their will from the world around them ("on the outside looking in"). They may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to poor social skills, although some do marry and work independently. ( :( everything is correct. Cos ppl find it hard to get along with me, just as I find it hard to get along with others. It's funny how I have no problems with these at all during my poly/hai die days. It was only during pri/sec & in recent years that the struggles I faced to be 'socially accepted' become more apparent.)
The complexity and inconsistency of the social world can pose an extreme challenge for individuals with AS. Anxiety may stem from being placed in a situation without a clear schedule or expectations, or from concern with failing in social encounters; the resulting stress may manifest as inattention, withdrawal, reliance on obsessions, hyperactivity, or aggressive or oppositional behaviour. (And here's the most appropriate line that sums up everything. Ppl always say I am complicated/complex but you know what? I could say its the same of ppl/the world. I cannot comprehend why it's so hard for me to understand ppl and so hard for them to accept me. And I want to believe it's not cos I'm stupid for 'not getting it'.)
Causes
Hans Asperger described common symptoms among his patients' family members, especially fathers, and research supports this observation and suggests a genetic contribution to Asperger syndrome. Evidence for a genetic link is the tendency for AS to run in families and an observed higher incidence of family members who have behavioral symptoms similar to AS.
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So my character/problem is inherited?
Come to think of it, I think Papa is like that also. And well, it's not hard to figure why Papa is like that. Cos Papa's family is also like that -.-
Mama also always say Papa's family is qi guai. But my parents say I'm qi guai. I know they know I DO NOT LIKE to be said weird/different/special/stupid, but sometimes they'd just keep emphasising in OTHER ways/methods of saying. Especially my mom. Wah lau, I kena criticized/hiam and show black face she can actually say things like, "不可以讲的meh? 讲都不可以啊?"
You expect the person you criticised about to smile at you and thank you for making nasty remark about him/her huh? You think that's going to happen? He/she diao you, you still got cheek to say "What? Cannot comment meh? Comment also cannot ah?" You tell me kiam pak or not?
Haiz.
Just cost I'm not as smart & quick like my sisters, I kena ostrasized. Ostrasizing don't have to occur outside, my home/family have already. Hey, favouritism starts from home! If you'd been told you suck ALL your life, would you feel good/confident EVER?
Adeline says I just have to accept I'm not good in everything. But thing is... I accept leh, but my parents can't even accept/embrace that then how? I'm not saying I MAY or may not have ASD/AS (dunno how it's diagnosed anyway), but the truth is I really have problems understanding/learning/comprehending other ppl's meaning. So when I don't get it fast enough, I'm deemed stupid right?
Ya, I am slow. I am the tortoise of the race. My mom always say I'm so much slower than my peers. She always feel there's no time to waste, makes me also feel that I cannot waste my time but what's so hard to accept other ppl take 1 day to understand, I take few days is not acceptable in her context huh? Then she'll say, "why ppl can do it in 1 day, u cannot?" -.- Then how can I reply without ALREADY feeling lousy? I can only say "ppl is ppl ma, I am me ma."
You know the situation whereby the teacher/instructor will ask "Clear? Any questions?" I actually am the person with MANY questions that I want to raise but when I look around, everybody is already starting to work on it while I'm still unclear. I'm told I asked too many questions (by my sisters mainly) and they don't have the patience to answer my, what they think are bo liao/stupid questions. Sometimes I get curious about things, so I asked but I didn't realise ppl may not want to answer me cos they just don't.
So I stopped asking questions, afraid of offending ppl. But ppl thought I bochup, don't care, unfriendly, anti-social, don't want to get involved. Then I get confused all over again.
I think Xiang is the most patient person in the world with me. He reacts super duper fast. He's probably trained somewhere somehow. He picks up things fast and able to predict things ahead and seem to be aware of everything in the surrounding. I'm very jia lat and he knows and he still stays - for 5.5 years. Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve him :(
When I think of my flaws, I :'( low self-esteem, social awkwardness, scared of embarrassment/rejection, aren't able to deal with criticism, very negative/pessimistic, you get the drift. I am ultra sensitive and easily crumble down by ppl's words/comments so I always avoid/stay away at all cost. Sometimes I become the heartless one to cut off relationships/ties with ppl so I don't have to be humiliated. Blablabla... and a set of chain reaction again & again cos I am weak-willed, weak-minded, weak-heart. I will think that bad things occur to me and/or ppl around me is me being a jinx/loser. I just want to survive, why is it so hard? How do I stop all these vicious cycle?
I KNOW I have to fix/solve it but I just don't know how to step out to cultivate a bigger heart & a stronger mind. Surely I'm not the only weird/abnormal one around? :(
I always want to avoid miscommunication/misunderstandings, that's why I want to be clear. So I asked questions. I am not stingy with questions to learn something alien/new, I only worry if ppl will get impatient & irritated with me asking so many questions/times.
I know it's sometimes ok to make mistakes doing something new but not everybody knows that. When you do something wrong, they'll make it like super grave. It takes a lot of experiences to make a person kia si.
When a kid doesn't understand, one will be most forgiving and "ok, he/she is still young". When an adult doesn't understand or don't get it, don't tell me you don't anticipate any of those "Goodness! Why is this person so fucking stupid? Why doesn't he understand something so fucking simple! So simple also dunno!"
When a kid cries over something, it's cos they don't know how to conceal their feelings. When an adult tear, one will think there's something wrong and why are they crying, so childish and don't know how to act maturely etc.
Adeline said something that made me LOL but also felt better, "If you have a task at hand and you know I you ask for help to get answers, that person confirm say you stupid. But if you don't ask, you can't do your task. Just be thick-skin abit and ngeh geh get the answer you're looking. Get your task done and get over. Ppl don't say u stupid, your boss will say you're stupid 'Dunno den dun ask?' EVEN WORSE! Of cos will be upset when ppl say you're stupid. Hello! No one likes to be call stupid. You say I'm stupid, I will of cos be unhappy. But move on lor! At most I just don't like that person only."
HAHAHAHAHA....
She has a way of making my day better. I guess ppl with faith tend to inspire others a lot :D Thanks for making every day of the weekday more enjoyable for me and something for me to look forward to on a daily basis :)
I'm not trying to prove the existence or signs of any possible medical conditions/personality deficiency that I am having. I believe everybody is given the chance & a choice to be comfortable in their own skin. I am at extreme peace as long as I'm comfortable, so is everybody else when they are at ease physically & mentally.
However, I am always struggling with that due to the social standards/conformities to 'be nice, considerate & friendly'. I always feel extremely uncomfortable & unable to come to terms when ppl are telling me what's good & bad, wrong & right, can do & cannot do. How the hell do YOU know what's 'good' & what's 'bad' for someone else?
I am fine with short hair, thank you. I know long hair is deemed more attractive for a woman's head/face/body and able to experience with more styles but I just like to keep it short.
I know EVERYBODY likes chocolates and would go gaga over it, it's yummy, high quality, high premium, rare etc etc But I just don't like sticky & overly sweet stuff down my throat. So yes I don't take it so don't come and tell me "Lai la, eat la! It's so good you know! Wah lau you dunno how to appreciate one." Just cos I don't eat chocolates, I'm being ostracized for being the weird one again right?
Haiz. MMT. (a term that will appear pretty often - makes me think)
Like what I did to my resolutions for 2012, I'm just going to follow my heart and accept & embrace everything.
Like what I mentioned, everybody is given the chance & a choice to be comfortable in their own skin. Let's just strive for that.
PEACE YO!
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