Makes Me Think

It's one of those moment when things starts rolling/folding/unfolding in front of you all at the same time that makes one think.

It doesn't necessarily seem good or bad. It just makes you think/reflect about it. In fact there's a website call MakesMeThink.com where ppl would summarize the very specific situation in a few sentence or a paragraph. I first knew about MMT while reading an entry from MarcAndAngel.com and would occasionally pop by to read a few stories that will warm my heart and makes me feel I'm/everyone is only human.

Of course, I am a lor sor auntie and I'm not able to sum up what makes me think into a few lines only lol since I'm usually spurred by many factors at the same time.

Sometime back before CNY, there has been some high profile online feuds going on. I admit I am one of those 'boliao netizens' who went to kpo and read all about it. Though I may not entirely remember each & every content, but after reading all sides, it strucked me. Mainly because I'd been in the shoes for BOTH sides.

Yes, I have been the "although I feel that we 谈得来 but sometimes I'm irked by some of your boliao & weird actions & your insensitivity but I care about your feelings so I never showed & tell you anything" AS WELL AS the "I don't know/understand why we don't hang out anymore. Why have we drifted? Is there something about me that you don't like? Am I so detestable/unlikable?"

I'm not the best person to be friends with neither do I have any lovable traits which draw ppl to me. I am eccentric, 孤僻 and 古怪. I'm not good at communicating/expressing myself to keep up with a conversation with ppl. I am wired a bit differently and it makes it hard for ppl to communicate with me as well. But then again, I think I am usually the first to build up a barrier even before letting anyone in, cos I can't even step out my comfort zone TO BE MYSELF cos of all the social conformities.

Sometimes I also find that I am trying too hard to blend in with others and always struggle with "算了拉，勉强是没有幸福的。没有话题/共同点，就是没有." & :just relax & be normal lor, no need to impress ppl what". If I insist the way I think/act (which usually is rather selfish/self-centred), I end up becoming 不合群 and ppl will not want me to be part of their clique/group since I'm such a lousy team player. So ppl will definitely find it hard to 相处 with me - dunno what the hell is wrong with me, why I'm so particular, why I cannot chin chai or why I always anyhow think and form things in my head.

That's when all the assumption/miscommunication/coordination go wrong.

One party feels ashamed, thinking the other party won't ever forget the negative/aggravating emotion cause by the other party even if it's sometimes unintentionally. One party feel the other party should apologise and shouldn't be the first to initiate anything. Then it's a vicious cycle of "算了，累了, 放弃拉" & "都朋友这么久了，为什么这样？”

A is 敏感又忌恨记仇的人，被伤到了，不说不表示。
B is 讲话没有大脑的人，不知道自己得罪人。

Have you been in both situations before? How do you handle it?

If I'm in A, I usually will 'blacklist' the person and will walk away quietly & move on and hope things will resolve on its own. As in, usually after a (long) while, I will forget it if the other party do not irk/hurt me again and we shall restart since I would think other party probably never noticed I 'had ever left before', just 'never contact' much.

Unfortunately, more often than not, I'm in the situation of B than of A. Because of that, I have also walked out/away from many ppl in my lives. Of course the situation always happen when I don't know. And insensitive or low EQ ppl, like me, would only find out thereafter that our words/actions made ppl turn off. It MAY help if the person in B would just admit & apologise, whether the other party accept is another matter. 得罪就要赔罪，天经地义. But.... 我常常没有做到。

My theory/logic is I won't risk saying wrong things and you wont hear those things you don't like to hear if we just don't meet/hang out anymore. Cos I probably wouldn't know your unhappiness until the matter triggers some other chain reaction and only then I'd happen to know somehow. Ya, sometimes things don't have to be too extreme or need to be 撕破脸皮. But sometimes there just comes to a point in your life that you don't need to go through all these confrontations from others. Can't everyone just live in peace? 井水不犯河水.

Most of my post usually rant about being B, hence the spur of a lot of emo post which to others may seem small & insignificant and would wave it off as me being insecure or wallowing in self-pity what not and will "there she goes again"....

But 重点 is, there was this one time, just one single time I was A and I really felt that the other party was B but I would feel that my B-ness level isn't as hers. So, like anybody in A, I moved away and we never talk or spoken ever since. But as time pass, I guess I felt from an A to a B again which was then I realised, any kind of situation will make me a B :(

Everyone has their way of 'treating a friend like a friend'. Eg. X & Y are friends. X treats Y as like 85/100-mark friend, but Y may feel that X is a 65/100-friend to her. Y hasn't really felt THAT close to X yet. But X's nature is friendly so X is friendly to everybody. That's why X thought Y treated her like an 85/100 friend as well so X was hurt to also know that yuan lai Y only sees her as 65/100.

If it helps, I was Y and the friend was X. In that case, the only 'wrong' thing I didn't do was doing what that person expected me to do and she was disappointed that I 'didn't do my part as a friend' for her. Hence I never once apologised for doing what I did cos I felt I was merely telling to someone else how I felt. There were 2 other ppl indirectly involved.

I knew a C from X. The 3 of us had a common interest that we loved doing and would meet regularly to do this activity. All the while I know X had a strong character and often like to lead. Maybe she didn't really WANT to lead but C & I were more giving so we usually let it be even though sometimes I may not agree. There was a period of time when we were thrown in a situation to work closely with X on a huge major project. All the while there were no major problems with X even though sometimes will feel ridiculous or pissed off but they were still bearable, until that project came along.

Ironically, I grew closer to C than with X as I would pour all unhappiness about X to C since C & X are much closer & has a longer friendship history than me. C was very positive and being very understanding & encouraging. All the while I have the wishes & intention to form another project with C without X cos sometimes X really push all the wrong buttons in me but of cos X doesn't know or realise that cos I never display any unhappiness in front of her. X has a habit of being extremely defensive when being confronted - which was something not just me who had first-hand experience during the huge major project period. Many a time, things we brought up to her will be waved off and she'll insist her ideas and therefore imposing on us. There was no breathing space if we were just have things being shoved down at our throats. I don't know if she ever knew about that =\ cos since nobody ever (dared) to get it through her head?

After the huge major project was over, all of us took quite a long 6-month break until X gathered us for another project which was a competition. I sure did miss doing what I love doing with them but the thought of 'another competition', I wasn't really THAT enthu due to the previous traumatic experience. But the eagerness to continue do what I love doing was more overwhelming.

So there was this other person, Q who knows X from me. Q doesn't really like X but I don't have a problem with that since Q & X won't ever meet/hang out. The thing which all of us do is a small circle and everybody knows everybody. I would say I'm not close to Q either but I enjoy chatting with ppl about the thing that we do, which includes the technical aspect of it and Q is a technical expert/professional on that. So I mentioned to Q about C, if perhaps we could collaborate on other projects.

Q then asked "Then what about X?" To be honest, I wasn't really enthu about competitions, I'd very much love to do 'the real thing on a regular basis or one-time off' kinda thing though I know it's quite hard so competitions are sort of 2nd-best options. Q was under the impression that X & I always stuck together and questioned about whether I could leave X and do it on my own. I have been thinking about this far & long for many times. I know I wouldn't get so many opportunities if not for X but I really don't like the dictatorship of where this is bringing me. If I have the opportunity & right time, I'd definitely want to do this myself. But I'd tried and it didn't work. Then X roped me in and we'd gotten some achievements, I like it. But I didn't like what I'd to put up with to get there. So I told Q about my 'grievances' & helplessness, also about X as well cos I couldn't choose and don't know what the best for myself.

After having this convo with Q, I wanted to share it with C but alas, an unfortunate mistake occurred and I'd sent it to X herself instead. She read all about it and understandably, she was furiously mad. Her one question came, "Why didn't you defend for me when Q say all the negative things about me which weren't true? He doesn't know me but YOU KNOW me. Am I really like that?"

I didn't defend for myself for the that thing she said I hadn't done. I didn't explain anything further. Therefore she got mad cos she thinks I'm 'not being a friend' here. I had also never once apologised for what it happened except voluntarily quit the team/competition. At first, she said I'm being irresponsible but I told her since she had already read everything, should I still continue? She didn't reply and we never spoke. She found another replacement for the competition and we weren't friends anymore cos I eventually pulled out from everything. The team she led eventually won the 1st place for that competition and many other chances & opportunities to do what we had envisioned ourselves doing back in the days... and I'm not part of it any longer.

Yes, it's been 3 years. She is doing really well with her new team. To say I don't envy and I'm not bitter is a lie. We have all moved on but it's still stuck there somewhere in my memory whenever I stumble on 'friendship problems'.

I would just wish ppl do not bear/put/pin any expectation on me, cos I'm bound to disappoint.