It's the third month of the year and life & things are... not easy.

I have been so looking forward to the 'chances & challenges' coming my way in the year of 2012 but I didn't seem to handle it as well as I had planned to or expected to.

I know my pattern. I know I'm a weak-willed, weak-minded person but I want to change that and become strong so that I can be able to stomach-in the differences, expectations, challenges & obstacles coming my way.

It really take a lot to become that person and I have to admit, I really am lacking in a lot of ways that I find that it's hindering what I want to do/achieve when I get affected by all of these negative emotions. Yup, not a good thing, but when things happen, sometimes I really didn't & couldn't think logically. Sigh...

They always say, you have to be responsible for your choice.
They always say, look at the bright side and just make the best out of everything.
They always say, 多一事不如少一事.

I must be jinxed. Really jinxed. Whatever decisions or choices I make, always seemed to be wrong.

They always say, just learn from your mistakes if you realised you're wrong.
But I seem to always 越做越错，陷身在错误里，翻不了身。.
They always say, it's up to you whether you want to get yourself out of it or not.

Choose music. Wrong.
Choose art/design. Wrong.
Choose reality, what can I do?

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工作
Pros:

  • Can get off on the dot, no need to OT. I can jog all I want after work, something which I totally couldn't do it in my previous job.
  • Totally cheap food, $3 everyday is a xing fu thing.
  • My 2 sisters are students here, I can sometimes go to school or go home with them.
  • Can get to see a lot of eyecandies, 
  • Ppl (staffs) are generally quite easy-going, quite a slow-paced environment with a lot of seniors who worked here 10-20 years.

Cons:
组长是个难相处的人。曾经一回竟莫名其妙对我大吼，闹得非常不愉快。
虽然是一个很能干的人，不过与人的沟通真是差强人意。

老板的正业是 e-learning 博士/讲师，我们的 e-learning 部门则是他的副业。
虽然他对 ‘教育科技’ 很有知识/经验，也懂得目前所有最近的科技潮流，
但是他根本不了解什么是 design, development, production, execution.
一个成品的制作过程都不了解，又觉得每个人都会做。。。怎么行呢？


Well, the pros are mainly environmental while the cons are personal/professional development. 

老板的宗旨是，只要肯学，每个人什么都可以做。
话是没错。But... everyone goes through specialized degree to do specialised things what!

在这里，我觉得我没有任何可用的技术能用得上的。
大不了我只是一个懂得 Photoshop 的 ‘公司职员’。
就像在以前的小学，中学一样，每个人都有 ECA/CCA,
我也有很多有的没的职务，admin, planning/coordinating, facilitating.

设计的要求量没那么多的时候，我就得做其它有的没的了。
根本用不上我之前过去累积的经验。

有限公司聘请人，you're hired for your expertise, you're hired to do what you're good at doing.
这里，我却要做有的没的，例如；打电话联系 catering 公司送餐饮过来，确保 lecture/tutorial rooms 设备完善，每天有做不完的 paperwork, forms.

搞什么啊？

Ok，撇开额外的公司职务不谈，就说我们的 “多媒体设计组” 吧。
四项主要领域 - 三D，网际网络 + 社会媒体，移动科技，行销活动

我们这里有四位设计师，其中一位是我们的组长。
照理，每人各负责一项便可。
可是，老板却要两人携手负责。
他的原因是，一人若辞职或放长假，另外一位便可以接手。

是，话虽如此，可是你叫作三D的去搞网际网络或者移动科技的？
这完全是不同领域的。虽然都是‘设计师’，但是真的是有不同的。
但是老板却不明白这一点，常常让我这组们觉得纳闷。

因为我是新来的，所以我也在分担他们每个人的领域。
结果我发现，我们全部都在我们的领域是不足的。
同时也常跟我一样搞不清楚状况，不会做也得做个东西出来。

Every time like that inter-switch between softwares, how to be good at it ah?

Maybe first 2 months will use Max, then next 3 months don't have 3D projects to work on so have to make do with Photoshop/Illustrator. So in midst of waiting for the next 3D project, without using it frequently, of cos will lose touch with the 3D software what! Then by then it's required again, then have to use back again.

The 'design' jobs I do here are web banner, web themes, powerpoint themes, flow/pie chart presentation to indicate workflow or thought process, EDMs (email newletters). They're all very.... office. I cannot believe to come up with these things, they need someone who has a degree in design. *shakes head* These ain't the kind of 'multimedia' or 'digital' I was expecting. Sigh...

Then again, I'm not good enough to be in design agencies and not strong & willing enough to withstand the long working hours. I all boils down to interest/passion VS salary VS job scope. Haiz...

I feel that it's not really helping my professional development if I'm doing zabalang things like that. All the skills I've previously acquired, it didn't matter cos I didn't get to use it (yet and now sure when will I get to). A poly grad or even someone who doesn't have a degree in design but knows how to do simple graphic layout can do these jobs actually. True, I have never touched Google Apps or MS Office to explore how to make play around with the tools to improve aesthetic layout of a presentation. But MS Office... Oh god! Really?

And now the appraisal is coming, I barely got any 'real' tasks which I did. :( I only did 'office stuff' mentioned above :(  I'll see the outcome of the appraisal 再做下一步的打算.

是的，我又在想我到底要怎么办，怎么做。

为什么毕业后的每一份工作都不称心的呢？

:'(

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爱情／筹备婚礼
Marriage is not the union of 2 individuals but a starting that involves many many many MANY MANYYYYYY ppl's opinions, namely from the side that is more particular from slightest detail and things just gets noisier from day one.

I wouldn't say Ah Xiang is entirely a mommy's boy but yes, 太后娘娘 is really overly protective of her precious sons. He'll do whatever his mom says cos well, he has been doing that for the past soon-to-be 30 years. So he will never feel or think that what his mom says would be wrong and would gladly let her do/settle everything so that he wouldn't need to lift a finger or use brain to think/figure out.

Whenever if it's just between him & me, things are more or less easier to accomodate. We are able to accommodate each other's interests/benefits. But whenever there's anything that involves his family, he will EXPECT me to accept and be ok with it. He'll think I should be understanding & giving and AUTOMATICALLY comply/obliged whatever arrangement. If I feel sian or weiqu, I am the one who must deal with it myself.

Sometimes his family will last minute arrange to have dinner outside, so he will last min inform me also when I may already have plans. But he will expect me to make exception and give in. He is a Yes Man in front of his family so he assumes I should also follow suit, cos I'm SUPPOSED to be. So if I have issues, he feels I'm being unreasonable and never consider 'big picture' or 'majority'.

Yes, 嫁鸡随鸡，嫁狗随狗．爱屋及乌 etc. I chose him, I have to follow his family's lifestyle/pattern since they're all 同个鼻孔出气. But I always feel that I'm left alone to die and he doesn't care at all! Cos he's already doing things he's used to all these just : just do, just follow what is told.

Sorry, I'm not brought up that way. Sure, my parents have things they expected me to do. But if I don't like it, I don't say it cos I can't say I don't want to do it. So I have to & will still go ahead and do it and I always do it with a lousy face and I do it lousily. They know I don't like it and won't ask me to do it again, ever.

Yes, I know that person is gonna be my MIL and I shouldn't be showing her fuck faces like I did to my own parents. There are still things I need to do & abide as a DIL. 该做的，我能做的，我都会尽量去做。但是不是每件事情我都得没有意见地跟从。我也是有思想，有思维的，一个活生生的人。So I told him I DEFINITELY WILL FEEL wei qu cos he doesn't act like we're doing this together. He act like "cos my mom says so, you just follow can".

What sort of nonsense is this? Are all guys who are married/soon-to-be married or even in a long term relationship, EXPECT your wife/fiancee/gf to comply JUST COS your family/mom says so? And you think it's her fault she can't deal with it? And you get pissed off thinking WHY is she upset cos YOU THINK she's NOT SUPPOSED to feel that way? Then what makes YOU THINK that way?

You and your mom are related by blood, that will not change. It's a naturally instinct to CARE about your closed ones. You'd been living with your mom all your life, so it comes NATURALLY to listen to her. But your gf/wife is an entirely different individual who grew up and was brought u in a different environment from you. So you think your gf/wife SHOULD integrated into your family and ACCEPT everything coming her way by push of a button? Sorry, it doesn't happen that way.

Even heart/kidney patient knows that despite getting a new organ after a complicated surgery, it takes time to get used to the body and might even reject functioning causing heart/kidney failure.

I also don't understand this part really, are all mothers who gave births to sons will behave like it's super big fuck? "他是我生的儿子."

So......... I'm not my parents' daughter right? Oh wait, I think you think my parents do not exist. So ONLY YOUR opinions count that's all. I don't have to ask my non-existent parents since I'm popped out miraculously from a rock.

This is supposed to be a happy process - planning how to start THE new chapter with the other half. But we're not even starting there yet cos 还没看其它师傅，即日还没挑。

But this is HOW ALONE I feel....

Yes, after ranting, I still LL hafta find a way to work around with it cos there's no way I can siam unpleasant things like these from happening.

Ya ya, must learn to take it in my stride. Geez, how do you cultivate a BIG HEART? Teach me please.