On the topic of the previous personality disorder reading on Wikipedia, the more I read into it, the scarier I discovered about myself :(


Personality Disorder 
Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders)
  • Paranoid personality disorder: characterized by irrational suspicions and mistrust of others.
  • Schizoid personality disorder: lack of interest in social relationships, seeing no point in sharing time with others, anhedonia, introspection.
  • Schizotypal personality disorder: characterized by odd behavior or thinking.

Reading until here, I'm pretty sure I do not have Cluster A but I do have some tendency on the 2nd & 3rd point. Is that why I'm said to be weird/odd/abnormal? So then I read on further about Schizoid Personality...
Schizoid Personality Disorder (SPD)  
It is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness. They may also demonstrate a simultaneous rich, elaborate, and exclusively internal fantasy world, although this is often more suggestive of schizotypal personality disorder. 
People with SPD are often perceived as aloof, cold, and indifferent, which causes interpersonal difficulty. Most individuals diagnosed with SPD have trouble establishing personal relationships or expressing their feelings in a meaningful way, and may remain passive in the face of unfavorable situations. Their communication with other people may be indifferent and concise at times. 
Because of their lack of meaningful communication with other people, those who are diagnosed with SPD are not able to develop accurate reflections of themselves with respect to how well they are getting along with others. 
People with SPD "feel lost" without the people they are normally around because they require a sense of security and stability. However, when the patient's personal space is violated, they feel suffocated and feel the need to free themselves and be independent. People who have SPD tend to be happiest when they are in a relationship in which the partner places few emotional or intimate demands on them; it is not people as such that they want to avoid, but both negative and positive emotions, emotional intimacy, and self disclosure. 
This means that it is possible for schizoid individuals to form relationships with others based on intellectual, physical, familial, occupational, or recreational activities as long as these modes of relating do not require or force the need for emotional intimacy, which the affected individual will reject.  
The schizoid need to modulate emotional interaction with others that schizoid individuals "prefer to make relationships on their own terms and not in terms of the impulses of other people," and failing to attain that, they prefer isolation. 
These individuals present themselves as socially available, interested, engaged, and involved in interacting in the eyes of the observer, while at the same time remaining emotionally withdrawn and sequestered within the safety of the internal world. They do not seek social interactions merely due to lack of interest, as opposed to the avoidant personality type in which there is craving for interactions, but then fear of rejection. 
The schizoid individual is able to express a great deal of feeling and to make what appear to be impressive social contacts while in reality giving nothing and losing nothing; because he is only "playing a part," his own personality is not involved.
The paragraph in red above is totally spelling out about my situation :(

Is that why I always struggle with 'being myself'? Cos I am unable to be 'the type' to blend in with a group?

I really am quite stubborn with the whole 'my personality' & 'personal space' thing of which when somebody tells me something, I will almost immediately be affected & will reject it until I find the logic/reason to be ok with it or if I can't do anything abt it ><

I'm not really sure if I belong to Cluster A even though I may find myself having one of the 3 traits mentioned in Cluster A. Moving on...
Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
  • Antisocial personality disorder: a pervasive disregard for the law and the rights of others.
  • Borderline personality disorder: extreme "black and white" thinking, instability in relationships, self-image, identity and behavior often leading to self-harm and impulsivity. Borderline personality disorder is diagnosed in three times as many females as males.
  • Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behaviour including inappropriately seductive behaviour and shallow or exaggerated emotions.
  • Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
The description of Cluster B may be used on me cos I'm said to be overly-dramatic, overly-emotional, overly-exaggerating. 

I think the word 'antisocial' seemed to be misused & misunderstood. Ppl would label a person 'antisocial' just cos he doesn't hang out with the rest? According to the above, antisocial would be used on ppl who disregard the law, have issues with aggressiveness, violence, impulsiveness, conduct disorder, no sense remorse/guilt and is closely related to psychopathy & sociopathy. 

So I doubt I am considered antisocial even though I really am 孤僻. So since I feel I'm more of Borderline of Cluster B and read on....
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) 
It is a psychological condition marked by a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood and black-and-white thinking, or splitting. 
BPD often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes and chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behaviour; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self.  
The negative emotional states specific to BPD may be grouped into four categories: destructive or self-destructive feelings; extreme feelings in general; feelings of fragmentation or lack of identity; and feelings of victimization. 
Individuals with BPD can be very sensitive to the way others treat them, reacting strongly to perceived criticism or hurtfulness. Their feelings about others often shift from positive to negative, generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of losing someone. Self-image can also change rapidly from extremely positive to extremely negative.
They are often described as deliberately manipulative or difficult, but analysis and findings generally trace behaviors to inner pain and turmoil, powerlessness and defensive reactions, or limited coping and communication skills.  
WAH! THIS IS SO FUCKING SPOT ON CAN!!!! 

Histrionic personality disorder: pervasive attention-seeking behavior including inappropriately seductive behavior and shallow or exaggerated emotions. 
Histrionic personality disorder (HPD) is defined by the American Psychiatric Association as a personality disorder characterized by a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriately seductive behavior, usually beginning in early adulthood. These individuals are lively, dramatic, vivacious, enthusiastic, and flirtatious. 
They may be inappropriately sexually provocative, express strong emotions with an impressionistic style, and be easily influenced by others. Associated features may include egocentrism, self-indulgence, continuous longing for appreciation, and persistent manipulative behavior to achieve their own needs. 
Additional symptoms may include:
  • Exhibitionist behavior.
  • Constant seeking of reassurance or approval.
  • Excessive dramatics with exaggerated displays of emotions, such as hugging someone they have just met or crying uncontrollably during a sad movie (Svrakie & Cloninger, 2005).
  • Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval.
  • Proud of own personality, unwillingness to change and any change is viewed as a threat.
  • Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior.
  • Somatic symptoms, and using these symptoms as a means of garnering attention.
  • A need to be the center of attention.
  • Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification.
  • Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others.
  • Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are.
  • Making rash decisions.
This sounds quite delusional also maybe? But I felt like maybe it's also part of me? I don't know I'm not sure I can't tell? Maybe it's really me?

Whatever speculation, I do think it's quite worrying if I have this trait because cannot make impartial judgement or decision. I am quite unwilling to change myself and yes i view change as a kind of threat cos people would either abandon me or cut off ties with me if I refuse to change and I will let them go first.
Narcissistic personality disorder: a pervasive pattern of grandiosity, need for admiration, and a lack of empathy.
Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders) 
Avoidant personality disorder: social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation and avoidance of social interaction. 
Avoidant personality disorder (or anxious personality disorder) is a personality disorder recognized in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders handbook in a person characterized by a pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction. 
People with avoidant personality disorder often consider themselves to be socially inept or personally unappealing and avoid social interaction for fear of being ridiculed, humiliated, rejected, or disliked. Avoidant personality disorder is usually first noticed in early adulthood. Childhood emotional neglect and peer group rejection (e.g. bullying) are both associated with an increased risk for the development of AvPD. 
Signs and symptoms
  • People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful that these individuals will choose to be lonely rather than risk trying to connect with others.
  • Hypersensitivity to rejection/criticism
  • Self-imposed social isolation
  • Extreme shyness or anxiety in social situations, though the person feels a strong desire for close relationships
  • Avoids physical contact because it has been associated with an unpleasant or painful stimulus
  • Feelings of inadequacy
  • Severe low self-esteem
  • Self-loathing
  • Mistrust of others
  • Emotional distancing related to intimacy
  • Highly self-conscious
  • Self-critical about their problems relating to others
  • Problems in occupational functioning
  • Lonely self-perception, although others may find the relationship with them meaningful
  • Feeling inferior to others
  • In some more extreme cases — agoraphobia
  • Utilizes fantasy as a form of escapism and to interrupt painful thoughts
It looks like I have traits in all the different clusters. I think I really need help but where do I start to seek help? I always knew I had a lot of troubles in navigating life but I thought that was normal but whenever I always say it's difficult for me, ppl think I'm giving excuses....

Sigh....