I really wished that things will all pass.

I really wish that everything happen for a good reason, no matter how bad things turn out to be.

I really wish there is fairness that exist in this world.

But why are there still so many injustice, grievances, unfairness, judgmental happening around us?

Where is the kindness, love & faith in human kind & the society that we once lived in?

I feel hopeless every single day and the unhappiness just accumulates. Is this really how my 30th year on this earth will be?

Everyone knows that it's a morbid world and the least we could do is to take it easy and don't be so hard on ourselves when things don't go well or according to planned.

But why does it have to happen time & time again?

I really want to believe that I'm really NOT a defective human being.

I really want to believe that what I'm going through is normal - normal stuff that ppl go through from time to time and it's no big deal.

But I'm tired. I really am fucking tired of not performing up to a certain kind of standard set by elitists.

It happens time & time again.

It's been 5 years since I'd graduated in Multimedia/Graphic. It's a tough industry. I'd been through in-house, agency, SMEs, govt sector. It's really not just one core thing, it's a bit of everything seriously and clients/employers just expects you to be really good at everything.

So I'm not sure if I'm lucky or unlucky that my field of industry is somewhat associated with web/digital, programming/coding, social media, new media, animation, video shoot, filming, motion graphics, print/publication/publishing, copywriting, editorial-related, marketing/advertising strategy. I don't know, are designers really expected to know everything as mentioned above? Or be interested in the all-round aspects of it?

This keeps happening... so much so that I don't even have any specialisation because I really do everything that comes with the title 'Designer' and that is mostly dependent on where/who I'm working for/with. What exactly can I do about it?

Even till this date, when I tell ppl that I do design or creative related, some will automatically assume "Fashion? or Interior?" To save trouble, I'd say "Multimedia" since it really kinda covers all ground. Then ppl will ask "Oh, website? You do programming?" Uh... no, I can't code for nuts and it's not something I'm interested even though I'm expected to at least understand the basic.

So ultimately, whichever company I worked for/in has a different take on what a 'creative/designer' role is and I ended up doing what is mainly required of that organisation - which is basically everything.

NOW, don't get me wrong. Ultimately, I hope to be independent & if I'm lucky enough to have/own a company one day in the future, I would also have to be doing 'everything'. Everybody would just have to deal 'everything' with their own way. If it's my own shit and I'm the cause of my own matter, yes, for sure I have to deal with it somehow.

Then we come to a question of, what if it ain't my shit? Cos most of the time, you're always thrown with somebody else's shit at work. Why should you clean it?

Ok, let's say you can't reject the shit thrown at you, you dutifully & responsibly cleaned up someone else's shit. What happens? Those idiots aren't appreciative and HANDOVER more shit to you since you have "proved to do the shit cleaning job quite well".

Please tell me if this is what you've signed up for, at A.N.Y job/workplace?

I used to think "It's just a job, I don't have to like the ppl that I work with. I don't have to like what I'm doing. I will just complete the job, on time, how it's instructed etc." If I feel like giving more (despite already knowing I won't be appreciated), then it's my own value-added service (which won't be noticed or accounted for anyway) that would ONLY matter to myself which is totally fine.

However, the prolonged sense of unappreciative-ness is sian, it's VERY S.I.A.N.

Everyday I'm struggling with the push & pull reasons to stay or to leave. If I'm going to be spending 9-10 hours daily, shouldn't I be doing things that are more meaningful, that could help ppl and/or create some kind of positive impact?

I think everyone's expectation of life isn't asking too much: Just to live simple, within own means/capabilities, do the right things, live with your pure conscientious, be loves, be appreciated, find meaning in life etc. That's why it sucks to have ppl undermine you and judge you based on their narrow view/values on what he/she deems as 'important' or 'good' and would think you're lacking in many aspects.

Even though I already KNOW my own worth/value shouldn't be dictated by what other ppl think or say about me... but still...

It's a morbid world...

I tend to dwell into these kind of negativity once in a while, with all the 'why me' shit and it's not good :(

If I am fisherman and I find it extremely tough being out in the sea, does that mean I'm not suitable to become a fisherman? I still struggle with gauging the weather, how deep is the ocean, when the waves may not may not rock the boat/ship, where the fishes are, where the dangerous creatures are... Damn, I don't even know how to drive/steer the ship! I prefer cleaning the ship, mending the fishnets, and doing/providing support! Cannot ah?

Not everyone is born to be a leader, I'm sure everyone knows this fact. But why do bosses or even motivational speakers still expect everyone to brave through storm to be achievers?

S.I.G.H...

Does not wanting to become a leader make me a loser? Is that what everything thinks of those who are not leaders? To be honest, there are a lot of Team Leads who doesn't even know how to Lead! But they are just thrown with those titles by higher ups.

Thanks, but I'd rather be a Do-er than those Say-ers that ppl detest.

Granted, even if I'm in a subordinate/supporting role, but does that mean being in a supporting role is not supposed to voice out anything, just keeping quiet & guai guai follow the leader to the slightest detail? Boss/Manager/Supervisor/Team Lead ask me to go left, I must not go right. Even if he/she change decision to go right in the end, I must not have complains. Like that, huh?

Everyone is looking for some kinda Project or Team Leader/Manager. So being an Assistant/Support would also mean I have 'no say' in most things, right? I'll just have to diligently follow all the instructions that's passed down without any doubts or questions? Is that right??

You see, ppl assume Assistant/Support as someone who does everything. So if I am in that role, that means I REALLY DO have to do everything else that Bosses/Leaders DO NOT DO!

If you feel that reading about my life has a lot of contradictions, you're probably right.

I always equate looking for a job is like looking for a partner, being in a job is like being in a relationship with another person.

You start off by attracted what this job/partner is able to provide you and slowly building mutual trust, patience, kindness & understanding and try to get along with your colleagues/partner's family & friends. There may be difference in expectation & opinions, but you will have to learn how to deal with it & work things out. But if your communication is one-way, everything else makes it difficult and how you manage the (working) relationship is mainly how your character/personality/attitude is brought up or influenced from young.

I am JUST looking for suitable position (akin a suitable partner) that makes me feel in sync & alive. You know the kind of feeling you get when you find the man/woman of your dreams and know that you both are made of each other cos you both are compatible & complement each other so much? Yes, Mr Z gave me those feelings majority of the time, that's why I married him cos I know he accepts me, appreciates me entirely & wholeheartedly.

I am JUST looking to work with ppl who wont boss around or throw shit around and are appreciative of one another, without making me feel like I've shortchanged myself, full stop.

But does this kind of job exist? The same exact question that single ppl would ask, is there such a guy/girl that exist in this world?

If only finding a job to be attached with for the rest of my life is as easy as finding a man like my husband to get married with for life. And if it's so easy to find a suitable job, I wouldn't be struggling for the past 5 years.

THAT is not to say my relationship with Dearie was easy. It wasn't. There were off moments & bad times but we know we can't live without each other and always willing to make up & make things right again each time. That's what ppl do when they fight & work hard for something they hold on so dear onto. And I was really extremely glad that we made it through these 7 years and it was really fated & a miracle when I first met him and the rest was all leap of faith.

But for a job, it isn't that easy. Sometimes it may be in vain, no matter how much you try to prove yourself worthy to your boss because it just ain't enough for your boss' expectation.

See? I said it's a lot like being in a relationship, you want to prove to your partner & impress him/her.

I started every job, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM, with the same enthusiastic outlook as if one had just entered into a new relationship. You want to nurture it well, hoping for the best, trying to adjust & accustom to things and tried my best to deliver outcome & results. Alas, the other party's expectation of you is different and you feel that you're not up to their standard. You suffer from their harsh words, you second guess yourself. You try to put up with the negative feelings but it keeps coming - just because you're not the person the other party wish or expect you to be.

As with ppl who has been through a few failed relationship, I also wondered if I'm a lousy staff/employee. Having been through so many jobs is like being through so many relationships that doesn't work out and it's tiring to repeat the process over & over again.

I really wish I can take things easy.

I really wish I don't take ppl's words & comments too personally.

I really want to let go of everything that isn't within my control.

I really just want to convince myself to accept the fact that ALL employees are paid to do undesirable things and it's normal cos some ppl don't have the choice, they have mouths to feed, bills to pay.

But really...

I am still struggling to learn & accept how this morbid world works and you can tell me to stop resisting what I cannot change.

真的是他妈的！