It has been my 30th year on earth and somehow, ppl/society/family/relatives/friends would have a certain expectation of what a 30-year-old should be like.

As much as I don't wish to grow up and hope to remain a kid forever, I can't. Because I suddenly felt that I'm quite vulnerable at this stage. Vulnerable as in, life is always fragile.

I have been a loser long enough to know that each setback is extremely hard to swallow but it seems like that's how life is and... I think I am slowly coming to terms with it that 活着真不容易，是需要许多勇气和毅力的. The fact that we are alive & kicking comes with a lot of courage & emotional scars.

I have struggled enough to know that the rest of the road ahead will be filled with even more unexpected struggles & hardships. So I need to leave myself a backup if anything unfortunate were to happen to me.

After reading a lot of self-motivating, self-inspiring such as Tiny Buddha, Mind Body Green, Purpose Fairy & Marc And Angel, I came up with my own reflections as late-bloomed 30 year-old.

Most of the reflections below are common points from the sites mentioned above. But I resonate with it because it inspires me and helped me get through that I'm not a freak....

It's long but it will constantly remind myself 'how to be alive' with what I'd learnt all this time...

以下是我这几个月来所领悟到的...

As far as possible, remember or at least try to Live In The Moment 活在当下 because...

1. I realised that life & emotions are evolving every minute of the day whether you want it or not. Nothing is permanent, nothing is forever. You can choose to dwell on or move on. Feelings can hurt you but it won't last forever. 
2. I realised that even though "life is suffering", likewise point #1, your pain will not be permanent/forever as well. The sooner you acknowledge your pain & embrace it, the sooner it will pass. Don't fight against pain. 
3. I realised that 这世上是真的有太多太多的徒劳无功的事了. You spent so much time & effort in doing or preparing for something that most often go to waste and there's nothing you can do about it. Tears won't improve the situation. So, try to get stronger each time. You know that you've done your best. 
4. I realised that it's ok if to feel disappointed once in a while when 'things don't go accordingly' or 'cannot match expectation'. The disappointment allows you to 'take a break' to self-reflect. 
5. I realised that life is one harsh teacher. Despite being disappointed, being broken, being devastated time after time, be glad that you're still alive with a beating heart that you could use it to go through the next hurdle. 
6. I realised that at times, it feels like your life is meaningless, purposeless, directionless, try to stop brooding and take a break or take a deep breath. Try not to worrying about things that you have absolutely no control of. 
7. I realised that sometimes letting go really isn't necessarily a bad thing. So, just go ahead & free your mind whenever you can during a day of exhaustion to recharge yourself from time to time.. 
8. I realised that it's ok to be 30 and not earning $3k per month. The stress level of ppl earning $3k may be something that I wouldn't understand yet, hence I'm not there yet and it's ok, at least for me. 
9. I learnt that it's ok not to be liked by everyone. You should always in competition & comparison with yourself - to try to become a better person than you were yesterday or last time. You don't owe anyone anything. But you owe your growth & development to yourself - your own self - YOU! 
10. I learnt that ppl - no matter who they are to you or where they come from, be it strangers or ppl close to you - are ALWAYS going to judge. Don't torment yourself by feeding or manifesting your insecurities. Learn how to heal yourself when you get hurt. 
11. I learnt that Happiness is not as easy as it sounds but it can be done as soon as you learn how to let go, believe & be grateful. Don't dwell on things you miss. Look for what you already have that tells you that you're doing just fine. 
12. I realised that 'finding myself' isn't a one-time effort but a constant conscientious daily effort of practicing or doing the activity that makes your soul happy. 
13. I learnt that, somehow life is about discovering what you like & makes you happy. Just DO it & multiply the chance & opportunities of doing it. Never stop DOING! 
14. I learnt that challenges isn't meant to change you but to BUILD you. Be brave to embrace all your fears & uncertainties. When ppl push you, just keep going. Yes, it is tough but try to hang in there! Somehow, you will make it through, hopefully! 
15. I learnt that Fear is just merely an illusion. We are all here in 'earth school' to learn to live in Love & Hope and not in fear. 
16. I learnt that this Game Of Life comes with emotional turbulence. You can't win if you don't play. You must practice & get used to the challenges. You want to win? You want benefits? You want good feelings? They all come with costs. Ask yourself if you willing to endure the stress & pain that comes with it. 
17. I learnt that Happiness require struggles. Challenges comes with Growth. Growth requires Change. Change is Transformation. Transformation shows your Maturity :) 
18. I realised that Pleasure is always easy and ppl always tend to choose the easy way out or give in to temptations. But we all CANNOT have a pain-free life. So we have to choose what we are willing to suffer in order to get the pleasure we have been seeking. 
19. I learnt that Suffering is not caused by pain but by RESISTING pain. So... let it go. It's ok to have nothing to hold on to. Everyone is learning & healing every moment, just like you. 
20. I learnt that Strength comes from simply being comfortable in your own skin. In other words, you have to learn to accept yourself completely - including your insecurities & flaws. Strong-willed or strong-minded ppl are aware of what they're lacking, but they have the courage to admit and not be embarrassed. You don't have to hide or conceal what you are or what you are not. 
21. I finally understand that each & everyone of us has a unique fire in our hearts. It's all of our duty to find it & keep it lit for as long as we can. 
22. I finally understand that we shouldn't compare ourselves to an ideal that is favoured by the society or media. We all may be constantly subject to society's expectation or standard but these ideals may not necessarily apply to me or anyone. 
23. I hope everyone can be given a chance to show that NOBODY is behind, but that everyone is just on their own path with their own personal life experience. Nobody has to explain to anybody. Nobody should be rushing anybody. 
24. I also hope everyone can be reminded that to receive is to give. When you give, you will receive although what you might receive won't necessarily be what you expected. But that's how life is, things may not come in the package that you thought it was supposed to come in. 
25. I now often learn about myself & figuring out how to love my personality (mostly how to deal with my bad ones). I would like to sculpt a life that is a reflection of myself. I may not see clearly what is ahead of me but I am staying true to my own path because my pace of life is entirely personal. 
26. I now understand that everyone on this earth have been automatically 'registered' & 'sign uped' for awkwardness & lots of uncomfortable situation. I figured it's all about putting myself in undesirable situations until I gradually feel comfortable in it. 
27. I now get it that Happiness is the process of going through exceedingly unpleasant moments/activities to allow us to become our ideal selves, which is why like #26, the realisation of self-discovery is an amazing & awesome journey. (from uncomfortable to pleasurable :P) 
28. I now understand that life isn't a race. Nobody needs to rush because it's not always the end results but the process of overcoming all odds in order to get what you want/there/your destination. Enjoy the journey with each step.   
29. I now understand that Action spurs Motivation & Inspiration. Doesn't matter how you start or what should make you start, JUST START. Doesn't matter you haven't figured out all the when/where/why/how, when you DO IT, you will eventually figure out.  
30. Finally, everyone knows this but I'm also here to remind myself & everyone that Happiness occurs when we decide to take action & pursue what's already in us! So... Dream now. Step out. Do something. Live. Do it. Just be. 

A lot of points are quite similar but it's due to the fact that they're also interlinked. It took me a couple of weeks to compile the points and rephrasing it with my own words cos it's my personal 体会.

I think it can be conclude/summarize into:

  • 对得起自己就好. 没有违背自己的良心就好.
  • It's normal to have bad days. It's ok to fail. Don't have to feel so bad about it.
  • Life is a learning process and the process is vastly different for everyone.
  • Get your ass off NOW!!!!!

I am a late bloomer and I supposed a lot of ppl out there, some of whom might be younger than me, would have already understood the whole Life's Game that I can't seem to figure it out.

But I figured that it's ok... I have my own pace which I'm comfortable with. There's no need to add on to the number of ppl caught in this rat race.

At the end of the day...

开心就好. 

This is as old as it gets: Don't Worry, Be Happy (a lifelong quote I remembered from the classic Japanese Drama, Long Vacation)