It's getting harder & harder to get along to the extend I really should give up cos it's just not working in the long run. The expectation from him & his family is really too hard for me to bear. I can no longer tolerate anymore.



The reason why we broke up so many times is due to this fact and I think let's not torture each other anymore. Don't I deserve someone who care about my feelings, care about what I think and most importantly, respect me?

We may not have the lovey dovey 'fall in love' feelings for each other anymore, it's fine. Relationship is not a fairytale and both parties would work hard to maintain it. But for the life of me, I always feel I'm alone in this relationship cos he doesn't care about how I feel, at all!

To be fair, I've had problems with getting along with family, friends, job/work, people and yes, he was around to comfort me & make me feel better. But the same cannot be said when it's matters that involve us, him, his family and that occurs really too frequently. I sincerely cannot forsee what more it will be in the future when after I guo men.

To be fair again, he is ok when it's JUST the both of us. But he will turn into the most awful & annoying person in the world whenever he goes "My mom want..." "My mom says she...." "My mom think...." "I agree with her her actually, you should....." BACK THEN, These things happened before, I thought I was wilful & unforgiving & not mature enough to 'be understanding'. Really, pretending doesn't help. I pretended to be ok like how he wished but there are a few times I couldn't take it and broke down. But him, being him, would hiam that even though I agreed and go ahead with it, I'd still show wei qu face and he's sick of me feeling wei qu and would say if I love him enough, I would be ok with it.

His mom always like to chu pattern everytime, arranging things last minute, informing last minute, we must always standby to say yes & abide 皇后娘娘.

Seriously I never wanted to consult any geomancer cos he didn't even propose, he always give me the impression that he doesn't really want/need me by his side. We 'proceed to the next level', cos both sides of parents/relatives were asking during CNY. I don't know if it's the case of 'being pressured' into this. I asked around my married friends if they have geomancers they'd consulted to recommended, ppl started to 'congratulate me' for 'joining the bandwagon', gal friends will ask if he proposed, I said no. I asked him if he was going to, he said see what the geomancer say first. I always thought we're compatible be it English astrological signs or Chinese calendar zodiac signs but after almost 6 yrs, you still need to hear what the geomancer say first to know if you want to be with me?

But his mother wants so what to do? Ever since CNY, there will always be some issue, geomancer out of town, q number given out for that Saturday, his mom wants to do something else, his bro house moving, house warming, he has to work... We only meet on weekends, but currently all of the weekends are occupied with things like that. They say Piggies will have a good year in this auspicious Dragon year but I'm with a suay Doggie and I have to also 'suffer' together with his 'sufferings'. What is this? You always say your mom never always disrupt our plans. Ok fine.

Best, last night his mom dictate what we do for the coming weekend again. Say have to get up early (way earlier than usual timing for work) to reach the geomancer's place at 8am JUST to get a Q-number for consultation. BUT!!! The actual consultation only start at 2pm and only last 3 hours to 5pm but the Q-number will be open at 8am. Then after getting the number, HIS MOM WANTS both of us to attend a COOKING CLASS with her. I asked him what time is the cooking, he say dunno. Say it should be between 8am & 2pm cos this is to fill in the waiting gap. Best, really best! Ask him to go and find out what time, surely got timing one what! How can suka suka go? If the cooking is 11am, we can maybe get the q number at 10am or something. Then he say, "wait later 9am number all taken finish liao then we go, then how?"

Where the hell is this cooking place also never say but I don't to ask details cos the mom already given decree must go liao. I asked details, he dulan also, say duno, just follow & go. For the life of me again, I don't understand how come he doesn't like to ask his family member for details, then end up everything screwed up then come and show dulan face again. ASK DETAILS WILL DIE IS IT???

Awhile back during nearing CNY, we needed to use the car so we notified in advance to his bro about it. The reason why we need to use is cos we usually have stuff/food to give each other's families during CNY. Bulky to carry alone or carry on cab so he could use the car & drive over & bring the stuff he wanna pass to my family and I can also shun bian bring the stuff for his family over in his car.

A Friday night, we waited and he wondered why his bro not home yet. I asked him to call his bro, he say don't want to kajiao him cos he might be working or driving. Nearing 12 then he gan yuan call, turns out, his bro has cleanly forgotten about it and was in the middle of his business. So we LL waited until 12+. By then we were both already tired out after a long working day. -.-

He feels that asking or probing or even just asking questions to clarify doubts to his family member will disturb/kajiao them and he don't want to kajiao and leave it to their arrangement, give priority to them. But to him, it's PERFECTLY ok for me to wait, it's a must for me to wait & give in.

Like last week was his bro's house warming, bro came from his new house to pick all of us up at Marsiling, and also to pick up some stuffs to bring over to new house in Bt Panjang. Same thingm Mom is the one who ask me to get ready have to go, I did. End up all of us were waiting downstairs for her grand entrance and she decided to bring the maid along to help clean up the bro's house after the housewarming. She has no idea how many can the car take? Bro is driver, the dad at passenger seat. Behind is me & xiang, only left a seat for the mom. But she ngeh ngeh say maid can squeeze in such that it will be 4 ppl behind. REALLY?

 Xiang & I roll eyes and gave up our seats for mom & maid while both of us will take MRT + LRT to bro's place. We walked towards Marsiling MRT then we saw the maid running towards us and say she's going home. WTF? Then further down we saw the dad catching up with us & said "your mom ask you all come inside the car". WTF IS THIS???? Keep change & change. Just now cannot decide to let maid go home instead? Must when we reach MRT then decide? Then after we both got inside the car, she kept complaining say BEN LAI if maid come then can help to clean this clean that. But then when we said we can go there on ourselves you also have a problem. What exactly is your problem?

Xiang said he's recently bogged down by work that's why he's feeling sian/dulan. When I asked how come he so not enthu these days & sian sian, he say I never make him feel good. WTF?!?! and that attributes to part of his dulan-ness that his life is very bu shun. He also claimed it's COS OF that geomancer that's making us inconvenient. I told him PRECISELY! Is he the ONLY geomancer in SG? But he say COS HIS MOM trusted this one as they consulted him for his bro's wedding.

I told him I dunno what he see me ask now. Just a weekend slut to service him good good? Just a companion to have dinner & movies together with? And weekday no need to make any communication at all, right? We ownself do our own things can liao. Then actually I'm not important at all since what I feel/think doesn't count and he thinks I'm extremely particular, why can't I be more chin chai & sui bian like him.

Whenever there's something bothering me, I always make a point to tell him. But he always diss me off, how is that making me feel like he care about me? All the while he's sure to side with his family who brought him up. I don't get any support and I'm just left alone to die. He said he was sent to help me, I dunno how is that helping me at all. He said I have a doting Papa & a handsome bf sent to help me so I wont be helpless in life.

I just hope he wants me in his life as much as I want him to be in mine.
I just hope he thinks I deserve him to help me look forward to each day in the future.
I can't help feeling being belittle each time when he feels I'm not good enough for him or that his mom feel he deserves someone else better cos I'm so lacking in so many ways.
I just hope he can treat me as somebody who's important in his life.
Is that really too hard to ask for?

Past few nights I was up thinking about us. I really have no faith & confidence anymore. We're both feeling mian qiang. It's as if he doesn't want any of this. It was only my own wishful thinking. I don't think I can face any of his possibility of 'don't want to be with me', 'not sure if it's me and his struggling with whether to want me or 'confirm' me due to my past history.

I already really worked damn hard to please him in whichever way I can to compensate him in order to gain back his love for me. After 1.5 years since that fateful day, it's as if these 1.5 years has been my own one-sided affair. He kept shutting me out, rejecting my feelings, my hugs & affection. I dunno what else to do.

I kept not getting there. I kept not reaching to him. I kept not getting what I want and worked hard for. My heart is tired, really extremely tired. Everyday I just grow weaker, knowing we no longer have any love or the slightest connection anymore. I am merely living to repay my sins. He also kept harping on the fact that we should part. Any disagreement that came along, he'll throw that sentence "I think we should part." I'm losing grip of myself that I really can't do this anymore.

I have not been forgiven and everytime I really feel like a sinner & a prisoner paying the debt of my retribution for doing him wrong. I can't undo anything no matter how much I try to make things right again. Just how low should I put myself to get your forgiveness? With you branding & treating me like a slut, I forever cannot 翻身.

I'm already always doing my best but it's always never enough to your standard. I'm crying everytime thinking about what else can I do. Nobody can teach or help me and I can only learn & figure out WHAT ELSE CAN PLEASE U! But you only always say I'm not good enough for you. You think that cos of what I did, I deserved to be ignored, I deserved my feelings not being considered. Is this revenge? Are you getting back at me?

I'm expected to do or like whatever you deem fit. I tried to, really but I really find it a huge struggle. I try to be strong, to try to stomach in all the blows you released towards me and at the same time I still SHOULDN'T, MUSTN'T cannot feel wei qu cos that will make you sian. I duno how to do it as well as you expected out of me. I struggle & struggle but you never see it. And I always get so upset but you never understood or even bothered cos you think I'm not supposed to feel any negativity at all if I'm, in your words, WHOLEHEARTEDLY into you.

You never cared about how I struggle or overcome with my fears or undesirable situations. Yet you can easily expect I do more OUT OF MY OWN WILL, FOR YOU. I don't get any support from you at all, I'm always left alone to fight all these battles on my own. You never cared how much I cried my heart out thinking how much must I do to get your acknowledgement.

After telling you my struggles & what I went through, you can still say "I'm not you, I dunno your struggles. I also don't think or behave like you." What does that show? You dense? Or you simply bochup about me? I tell you I'm having a hard time but you always diss me or expect me to tune to what you think is YOUR norm. You never think from my pov cos you think there's no need for you to cos I am me, you are you. My struggles are my own problems that I need to deal with it. And all you can say is "If it's too unbearable for you, we have to keep apart then cos I dunno how to help you also. To me it's normal, to you, you struggle with the simplest things." Who are you to tell another person what is simple what is not? I can do 180-split I say it's simple to do, I ask you to do, can you?

When I tell my friends my problems with you, all they can advice is: Both of you need to talk & communicate problem. I really dunno how is this 'communication' between us working. You know I'm struggling yet you don't bother to an wei me. I'm always carrying my own burden. I said everything I can to you, everytime, but you never acknowledge or make me feel any better. You make me feel worse by saying it's my own problem that I need to overcome this barrier myself then brush me aside, never attempt to fen dan my woes.

I'm always so emotionally drained and you will only say things like I ownself zi zhao one. I thought partners can support each other? Then you say you're also tired of these and suggest we shouldn't see each other aymore and I don't ever need to be sad & neglected. KNNBCCB You take a knife and stab me better can??

Did it never occur to you to comfort me when you see me down? or sad? Or you think I'm strong to stand on my own? Hello, even friends know how to an wei! YOU DON'T??? Whoever seen a friend cry, will an wei him/her right? Say comforting words to make the sad party feel better. YOU DON'T DO SUCH STUFF???

Seriously I doubt we can work out anymore with you constantly have to say I'm weird, I'm not normal like I'm some defective product, hence you are being mian qiang to be with me. I merely said if your mom chu pattern every weekend, we never get things done then you dulan me again, ask me not to say your mom in a funny like that. WHY IS SO TMD EASY FOR YOU TO REQUEST ME THINGS, I keep asking you!!!!

Then you said "Cos I'm not the one who's not normal!" BUT HELLO!! THAT DOESNT MEAN I AM A ROBOT WITHOUT FEELINGS!!! I am a human being, I have my needs too. I am happy when the needs are met. I cry cos I'm sad when my needs are not met. Can't that happen? You mean abnormal ppl 'like me' shouldn't feel this way? You say until I'm NOT ALLOWED to be not normal.

Didn't it occur to you to say nicer thing to make me do things more willingly? Things in the end all die die have/must do, just a matter of do it willingly or unwillingly. If you can help me accomplish it more willingly, isn't it better? But you only hong me whenever you want sex only but not on other things when in fact those are the time when your hong-ing will help! But you never do it.

If we're still together, I'm fated to lead a 'lone life' cos I'm only left alone to die without any support. You do your thing, I do my thing... haiz~