难熬的两年
很多人的不满足往往是因为 expectation 的落差。
不是别人达不到你的，就是你达不到别人的.
No matter how much you think its ok/enough/content/happy to live by your own rules/expectations/standard that you have set for yourself, there are always judgement from others that its "just not good enough" according to their perspective or way of life.
Who's right or wrong for who?
Who's right or wrong for who?
不是谁对或谁错的问题.
Does that mean its just a wrong match?
Or do u really think its a case of "frequency 不对就调一下而已嘛."
What if the frequency is one-way?
Does stepping out of the equation help?
要怎么样才不会被别人的 expectation 捆绑或套牢住?
前后所发生的事足以让我窒息。
You know those moments when you thought you know or are right about something, and then something else happen that made you feel/think that you aren't sure what you're doing anymore? For whom & why you're doing it?
I think I am repeating myself and I have been repeating it for years. I don't know if I REALLY am that stubborn or I just refuse to believe that I am REALLY a loser. I really don't know.
Just when I thought the toxic & depressing period I had with Mr Z just before we gotten married was the most extreme challenge I had ever faced in my 30 years of life, in comes another higher level one.
Just to clarify that I'm currently happily married to a wonderful n loving husband. It's just... life/work woes that I struggle so bad with all the time n no idea how to deal with all these extreme difficulties....
The amount of accumulated distress that I am currently facing now reminds me that all the tough time that ever happened in my life was totally & absolutely nothing as compared to what I'm experiencing now.
What happened, you asked?
Well, it may be a warped thinking but let's just say that it's enough to make me want to hurt myself & I'd rather lose a limb n struggle with daily physical difficulties than having to face these mentally/emotionally destructive difficulties.
You know those moments when you thought you know or are right about something, and then something else happen that made you feel/think that you aren't sure what you're doing anymore? For whom & why you're doing it?
一直以来，我都在我的不足上面挣扎。
每一次都会发现自己的不足越来越多。
这是我一直都知道而且一直都在挣扎的问题。
这也是我每次都达不到别人的要求的失望与失落。
I think I am repeating myself and I have been repeating it for years. I don't know if I REALLY am that stubborn or I just refuse to believe that I am REALLY a loser. I really don't know.
It's so easy for others, when they hear my plight to just tell me, "Just deal with it la! Everyone also deal with their problems & challenges what!"
If it's so easy then why am I always struggling????????
Either I'm too weak or others are too qiang to fix their own flaws on their own? They are programmed to setting their mind & heart to it and disciplined enough to keep telling/reminding themselves every moment? How they do it???
I have been OT-ing EVERYDAY for the last 2 mths.
E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y because of this project that proves to be beyond my capacity.
E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y because of this project that proves to be beyond my capacity.
But do higher ups care about your struggles? No. Only KPI figures are what they care about and whether it can boost the fame/awareness of this department to the outside world or not.
I seriously have no idea how could anyone like what I'm doing *cues to the other 3 happy colleagues in my team*
How do ppl convince themselves, to mian qiang themselves to do or go through things that's totally undesirable? You must be thinking that I'm still a si ginnah who STILL dunno how to mature because I JUST like to do nice things that I like and cannot stand to do undesirable things.
But whenever I'm faced with being mian qiang, this - T.H.I.S is the outcome - feeling vexed, depressed, miserable, woe, distress, tearful. I broke down a few times at work in front of the desk already. I am really sick & exhausted with being pushed to the corner EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Maybe there's something wrong with me cos ppl's words always affect the shit out of me. Ppl's negative words just keep echoing in my head.
Ok, to be fair, maybe to them, those words weren't meant to be negative, it's just their truthful words & feedback according to their observation. BUT! What processed through my head is ten fold faster & stronger! It's MANIFESTING itself! Ppl's word, be it good or bad, manifest itself in my head. It just keeps growing!
Maybe it's my own fault for feeding it, for making it grow to a possibly destructive stage but I really really really don't know how to stop it!!!!!!
I don't know why I have to make myself go through it so many times. I also hate myself for always having to deal with so many unpleasant problems that seemed never ending!
I always give ppl the impression that I am a loser. I hate hate hate hate being a loser. I HAVE ALWAYS been a loser and I hate that feeling!
I had never felt so stupid, useless, worthless in my entire life before until today, right now.
我从来都没有像今天这样讨厌自己，讨厌自己选择的 “设计”。
I fret about having to face those hateful Dreamweaver HTML codes. I wonder why the hell did I even want to do web/digital/online stuff when I don't even have what it takes to become a web designer. For that split second, I regretted doing what I THOUGHT I liked doing and wanted to do.
I hate that I am slow, I hate why did I pick things so much slower than other and I also hate that WHY I JUST CAN'T GET IT!!!!
以前给那个神经 LFH 骂到狗血淋头，都不觉得怎样。
只觉得老娘他妈的还学费的 Ok, 我也是别人的孩子，给你这样骂，没死过！
当然，我也只是在心里辱骂他啦，最后也是给个借口退出。
事后，不痛不痒，寻找下一个属于我的舞台。
现在，在职场上，我是拿别人薪水的职务员而已，
被组长骂，我却觉得我整个人生好像是一个 bloody mistake.
我在这个 “艺术/设计” 行业里兜兜转转很多年了，可是却真的一点成绩都没有。
为什么会这样？
组长说了我很多。。。
“你既然知道自己没有能力完成，干嘛当初接呢？”
“你搞成这样让老板知道你无能，这是你要的吗？”
“现在害得我们也得跟你一起加班来完成这个。。。”
He sat down beside me and really spent 3 hours to 讲我 while explaining other Dreamweaver workflow to me.
I can only say it wasn't a good experience because I totally felt like a stupid idiot beside him as I totally never heard of the method he mentioned. He asked me a lot of questions that I couldn't answer nor justified. Although he didn't say it outright but I knew he was implying that I 不自量力.
He said even if I intend to leave, it's still imperative that I produce quality/professional work.
He said if I need help, I should go to him cos he cannot always come to me.
He said he knows that I don't like to beg ppl for help but he added that ppl who don't beg/request for help are ppl who are very strong & li hai themselves who will spend the effort to learn everything themselves so that they don't need to bother others.
He asked me to go and think about my competency if I'm in a position to 'don't want to request ppl for help'.
He said if he knew I needed to take so long to do the website, he would have taken the website to do it and finish it within a month.
He cannot take the project over from me, he cannot & not time to do everything, he can only try to resolve those things that I cannot do, he can only teach me the functions that I don't know how to do/show on the website. He was explaining to me but I didn't get it, I could tell he was pek chek but it was so frustrating for the both of us that I really just wanted to give up.
I didn't understand the properties of tables & rows, I just agar agar anyhow. I didn't understand his lingo which in his words were the lingo of designers/developers. He told me about spacing & padding & whatever, by then I was already blur. He told me I have to consider sustainability & mobile viewing... how do I know all these?????
Why did I ever THINK I should be doing web/online stuff??
THIS IS KARMA.
I went into my previous company, which is a print agency without any knowledge of print. I struggled with print properties & final artwork. Obviously the deadline of a print company was religiously regarded at the most important thing because the cost of missing a newpaper/magazine publishing deadline is HUGE! I quit that company because I THOUGHT of doing web/digital...
BUT IT SUCKS EVEN MORE now that I'm in it!
I keep making all the wrong choices & ended up regretting all these choices.
If I feel that I'm not being useful here then don't need to waste time liao right? Since I'd been miserable for the longest time.
你做得到，并不代表其他人也能跟你一样做得到。
你能自学变得很强，你为何用同样的要求来勉强别人？
是的，跌倒了就要学会爬起来，
而不是坐在那里过问为什么会跌倒，谁让我跌倒。
BUT HELLO!
有的人爬起来快，有的人爬起来慢，
慢一点都不可以啊？慢一点也要被批评是笨或差啊？
If standing up a little slower also get judged until no end JUST COS you think judging them will make them climb up faster in the future, then who wants to stand up?
I don't actually think I'm lousy until ppl think I am. But what I don't understand is why is there a need to "PROVE" to others if I think I'm not what others think I am?
Why SHOULD I go through the effort to PROVE to others that I'm whatever is or whatever is not what that person says?
My stand is... You're free & entitled to your own opinions and nobody shall disagree with you. I'm the type who will think "Ya ya, I'm lousy, I'm the worst person in the world la! Ok! Happy?"
But in the first place, you're already judging me, isn't it? Just because I don't function in a certain normal/correct way from your own narrow perspective. Just because I can't perform something up to your expectation?
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with and perhaps my friends reading this won't really feel good knowing and having to be friends with a ti ki person like me.
But apart of dwelling onto my miseries once in a while, I'm perfectly ok.
I KNOW that sometimes it's not about pleasing others but more of to improve oneself to a better person.
It's damn difficult & tough but I will still try but like I said...
I hate it when I can't comply to other ppl's expectation and I get upset either by why ppl are being so critical!
Or I am just plain TMD stupid!
这是非常煎熬的两年。
我从来都没有像今天这样讨厌自己，讨厌自己选择的 “设计”。
I fret about having to face those hateful Dreamweaver HTML codes. I wonder why the hell did I even want to do web/digital/online stuff when I don't even have what it takes to become a web designer. For that split second, I regretted doing what I THOUGHT I liked doing and wanted to do.
I hate that I am slow, I hate why did I pick things so much slower than other and I also hate that WHY I JUST CAN'T GET IT!!!!
以前给那个神经 LFH 骂到狗血淋头，都不觉得怎样。
只觉得老娘他妈的还学费的 Ok, 我也是别人的孩子，给你这样骂，没死过！
当然，我也只是在心里辱骂他啦，最后也是给个借口退出。
事后，不痛不痒，寻找下一个属于我的舞台。
现在，在职场上，我是拿别人薪水的职务员而已，
被组长骂，我却觉得我整个人生好像是一个 bloody mistake.
我在这个 “艺术/设计” 行业里兜兜转转很多年了，可是却真的一点成绩都没有。
为什么会这样？
组长说了我很多。。。
“你既然知道自己没有能力完成，干嘛当初接呢？”
“你搞成这样让老板知道你无能，这是你要的吗？”
“现在害得我们也得跟你一起加班来完成这个。。。”
He sat down beside me and really spent 3 hours to 讲我 while explaining other Dreamweaver workflow to me.
I can only say it wasn't a good experience because I totally felt like a stupid idiot beside him as I totally never heard of the method he mentioned. He asked me a lot of questions that I couldn't answer nor justified. Although he didn't say it outright but I knew he was implying that I 不自量力.
He said even if I intend to leave, it's still imperative that I produce quality/professional work.
He said if I need help, I should go to him cos he cannot always come to me.
He said he knows that I don't like to beg ppl for help but he added that ppl who don't beg/request for help are ppl who are very strong & li hai themselves who will spend the effort to learn everything themselves so that they don't need to bother others.
He asked me to go and think about my competency if I'm in a position to 'don't want to request ppl for help'.
He said if he knew I needed to take so long to do the website, he would have taken the website to do it and finish it within a month.
He cannot take the project over from me, he cannot & not time to do everything, he can only try to resolve those things that I cannot do, he can only teach me the functions that I don't know how to do/show on the website. He was explaining to me but I didn't get it, I could tell he was pek chek but it was so frustrating for the both of us that I really just wanted to give up.
I didn't understand the properties of tables & rows, I just agar agar anyhow. I didn't understand his lingo which in his words were the lingo of designers/developers. He told me about spacing & padding & whatever, by then I was already blur. He told me I have to consider sustainability & mobile viewing... how do I know all these?????
Why did I ever THINK I should be doing web/online stuff??
THIS IS KARMA.
I went into my previous company, which is a print agency without any knowledge of print. I struggled with print properties & final artwork. Obviously the deadline of a print company was religiously regarded at the most important thing because the cost of missing a newpaper/magazine publishing deadline is HUGE! I quit that company because I THOUGHT of doing web/digital...
BUT IT SUCKS EVEN MORE now that I'm in it!
I keep making all the wrong choices & ended up regretting all these choices.
If I feel that I'm not being useful here then don't need to waste time liao right? Since I'd been miserable for the longest time.
你做得到，并不代表其他人也能跟你一样做得到。
你能自学变得很强，你为何用同样的要求来勉强别人？
是的，跌倒了就要学会爬起来，
而不是坐在那里过问为什么会跌倒，谁让我跌倒。
BUT HELLO!
有的人爬起来快，有的人爬起来慢，
慢一点都不可以啊？慢一点也要被批评是笨或差啊？
If standing up a little slower also get judged until no end JUST COS you think judging them will make them climb up faster in the future, then who wants to stand up?
I don't actually think I'm lousy until ppl think I am. But what I don't understand is why is there a need to "PROVE" to others if I think I'm not what others think I am?
Why SHOULD I go through the effort to PROVE to others that I'm whatever is or whatever is not what that person says?
My stand is... You're free & entitled to your own opinions and nobody shall disagree with you. I'm the type who will think "Ya ya, I'm lousy, I'm the worst person in the world la! Ok! Happy?"
But in the first place, you're already judging me, isn't it? Just because I don't function in a certain normal/correct way from your own narrow perspective. Just because I can't perform something up to your expectation?
I know I'm not the easiest person to get along with and perhaps my friends reading this won't really feel good knowing and having to be friends with a ti ki person like me.
But apart of dwelling onto my miseries once in a while, I'm perfectly ok.
I KNOW that sometimes it's not about pleasing others but more of to improve oneself to a better person.
It's damn difficult & tough but I will still try but like I said...
I hate it when I can't comply to other ppl's expectation and I get upset either by why ppl are being so critical!
Or I am just plain TMD stupid!
这是非常煎熬的两年。
1 Comments
就说我那个死鬼老友,x伯好了。当他在一间PRcompany工作的时候,他每天都被他的老板娘骂得狗血淋头。把他说得一无是处,英文烂透,达不到基本的要求。彻底的抨击的他巨大自信心(不妨告诉你,他蛮孤芳自赏的,confidence level 999) 。所以他作了非常明智的决定-就是走人也!现在他从事他在行的职业,每天被人赞得天上有地上无似的,快活的不得了。
我觉得人是不可以在一个没有鼓励和称赞的地方工作的。如果每天被嫌弃,哪来的动力呢?连最美丽最纤瘦的靚女都会因为1个2个八婆说她胖而沮丧,何况是我们每天8-10小时在职场面对同事和上司的评价呢?对我来说，在现今社会那种旧时代怒骂羞辱的磨练方式已经过时了。如果你的主管不能启发你,给你推动力,他也不是什么好主管。所以你需要再评诂这间工司吗？两年的时间不短，这个地方该离开该留下，我相信你心里也有个底。你可能觉得自己跳槽 N次了,很不应该。但是不适合能怎么办？不是每个人都有满天神佛祖宗保佑第1份工作就成为他的终生职业。没运气就得自救了。
不过你要诚实的问自己是工作性质不适合自己还是自己任性了。 因为AngryAuntie我也是在年轻时，因为任性。比方说实验室昏暗没窗口,我就跟我老板说我工作 一下子就做完了，10个小时(12小时制）在里面很象在坐牢,很"显"。我相信我以这个烂理由来辞职，我的老板听了脸都歪掉了吧。但是当时的我觉得这个理由很充份合理。现在想起就觉得我幼稚得可以。那里没是非又好做，我当时真是笨死了！所以你认真 好好考虑吧。我们花这么多时间在工作,每天这么折腾,迟早会死人的。如果真的是不适合,就去寻找属于你能够发挥的舞台吧。最重要的是要相信自己。You Can Do It!