My Strongest Pillar of Support
Happy Lunar New Year. It's the year of Dragon and I hope everyone's enjoying the auspicious year so far.
I'm not really a fan of CNY cos I haven't been getting CNY clothes/shoes for a long time. I usually just wear clothes that my relatives have not seen it before.
Although I have wanted not to overeat but... hmm... during festive season like such, I guess you follow what everybody's doing. I can only wait until the season is over to go back to regular lifestyle. I didn't get to run the whole of last week and this week cos of rain! I am dying to run everyday if I could (and if I'm not tired - from work).
The only different thing this year was that - I picked up mahjong from my dad. I was never good at games (be it card/board games or those orientation type you do) but since my sisters were so enthu, so we attending the mj workshop/seminar/tutorial conducted by my Papa. Sad to say I really CMI and I don't think I can ever play with real money since I always kept losing :(
It's the second day of CNY but I was already feeling emo looking at those gross pics taken on first day yesterday. I guess it was a wrong choice of dress/outfit. I looked horrendous. Even though I may have nice skin but I have already figured it's not good to expose any flesh cos I am a hippo. Makes me regret ever wearing this dress like that in public before. It must have been eyesore to ppl and I still happily think I look not bad in it. Good grief... and my sisters posted all of those majorly gross puking pics.
Mj is interesting to learn abt cos of the various combi one could get. As much as it takes luck to get good tiles but have to be a bit good with figures to know when to keep and when to discards tiles. Looking at the circles, shapes and all can be confusing. Cos they do not only have 4 suits like you see in poker cards. I admit, I'm not good with counting figures/probability. There are a total of 136 tiles... as oppose to the 54 in poker cards. I know a bit of cards cos I'm pretty good at Solitaire & Spider Solitaire and maybe a bit of Daidee (Big 2).
I though this bonding activity with my family seems not bad until relatives came over and we all noobs play together and that was when as aunt was asking my dad who plays the best amongst we sisters and dad ranked Ah Mian first then Ah Neng then I was the last. "阿恩最差的"
That triggered off the emo monster :(((((
I got up feeling extremely upset when I thought of Papa's words as well as seeing the photos Ah Neng posted, without filtering & considering my feelings what if her friends and our cousins saw those pics that were not meant to see the light. I have disabled my tagged pics such that only her friends and our common friends are the only ones who will see those pics if she decided not to take down :(((
It always makes me think I'm really not good with a lot of things. I am always the stupidest & biggest loser. It's not that I want to win, I'm not even a competitive person to begin with cos I KNOW I'm not good at most things in life. And the comparison is even made bigger since my sisters are so much smarter than me - able to solve rubic cube within a minute, able to memorize things within short time frame, able to calculate some difficult things etc. Above all, my 性格, 人缘 is ridiculously-atrocious.
Mr Z was away in JB (during every CNY) so I could only exchange Whatsapp text with him. Told him that yuan lai I look so nan kan & cui but he always bluff me say I am cute :((( and I really believe it. So whenever my sisters say I look exceptionally gross, they are right. Just that I never chose to accept it. :(((
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Z : U too negative la. Pics posted not like u lost anything. What's so hard to embrace yourself, including your weakness & flaws. No one is gonna love u if u don't love yourself first. When you love yourself you can be confident and try to make what you have count or more standout, no?
Me : Cos I am really so lousy & nothing I do is correct. Cos I never think I'm ever good!
Z : Precisely, that has always been your weakness. Low self-esteem. Easy to give up when you feel lousy. U barely know abt mj then u say u suck. Diff ppl absorb differently.
Me : I always doubt myself and I always need to seek assurance. Den whenever I don't get it, I feel like dying.
Z : Some have better instincts, better rate of absorbing skills or knowledge. U will never be happy if u only know how to sulk. Instead of realising yuan lai your understanding power not do good, then u need to put in more effort than other ppl what!
Me : I thought I am happy in my own world with my own standard but truth is not like that. You know I'm not competitive and die die NEED to win. When I find things interesting, I will step out and learn more abt it but that doesn't mean once I learn I MUST/WILL be good at it. But I don't like it when ppl say I'm stupid or slow. Even if I really am, is it a sin?
Z : It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn. You don't like ppl to say u stupid or slow but have u wonder how to come to terms yet with your level of understanding power? U shld also know when we watch movies together, sometimes u also don't get the plot what. U are slower in some sense.
Me : :'(
Z : but doesn't mean u cannot work harder than other. If only u can see that.
Me : Ppl catch & able to predict things faster & better than me, I must work harder to understand it faster & better than them?
Z : In a way, yes, if u want to catch up with them. or u can come to terms with it and don't need to care. Knowing u, u can just don't care lor!
Me : My brain is wired up differently so I also dunno how to make it work faster willingly. I also wish to dun care what ppl say but sometimes it gets stuck in my head n their words & actions keeps replaying in my head even though sometimes they may not mean it and that's making me hard to get along with ppl cos I know I will get suck into this kinda situation. I cannot stop myself from feeling negative thinking ppl's impression of how lousy I am if I'm unable to perform up to their standard/expectation. But yet I can't seem to be able to push myself to work harder either. Then end result it becomes I can't do anything well/right. So I'm always getting upset with my family & my friends and I always feel that I'm better off alone.
Z : Ya u already know what makes u upset. Then u have the 2 options like I told u. Work hard & wipe the weak side of yourself away or heck care and just live your life that way it is.
Me : I'm always choosing the latter. Trying to heck care and live my life but sometimes I can't do that. I don't want to be said things like 忘恩负义 or 过河拆桥.
Z : U very jialat in a way u dunno how to choose what's best for yourself. You also don't have a strong resolve to change things. U are contradicting yourself la. Don't want to care means simply don't care, so why care? If not, then u need to have a stronger mind & stomach to cushion the blow ppl are going to give u.
Me : If I work hard but end up disappointing ppl or myself again, I'd rather not. Whenever I try to do things right, I know my way is always different from other ppl, but ppl will doubt me like wah what happen to u, how come sudden spur of moment, since when u so hardworking one? or Eh i tot u last time whatever whatever one... how come now whatever whatever and all sort of stupid remarks.
Z : Who cares abt what other ppl think. I only care abt end results. Just do according to what your heart desire can liao, why u always think so much?
Me : :((((((((
Z : Sigh u like that confirm very difficult to survive in the outside world. U weak in both the mind and the body. Haiz
Me : Sorry, I am ruining yr mood & yr day again :(
Z : The only gd thing is got a loving papa who dotes on u lol and a handsome bf :D Yr life is blessed even though u are no brain sha sha de. 傻人有傻福 not in a bad way. at least u got things u are proud to have in life and got ppl who really cared. U just need to stop all ur negativity thinking la. U dunno what's impt.
Me : I always feel my parents & sisters are bo bian are we're related by blood and I'm unable to do anything to make them proud & I feel it's bo bian they have to stick around in my life even though they hate it. And I always bring their standard down. My mom always doesn't recognise me as 我是她生的.
Z : U already have what other don't have, u dun need to have the THEIR SET of caliber to make them proud. Well, u are the most problematic one yes but know your parents know u got a bf who wants u, they very ease of mind liao. I already help u live up to some of their expectations liao.
Me : They nv thought it's possible I'l have a bf, let alone someone who has been with me for that long :(((((
Z : U don't need to do anything but just go learn how to do hse chores & be a good wife & mom la. And don't do anything that will make u lose me -.-
Me : Orh nod nod. Sorry Dearie, I can never say this enough to u. Sorry for giving u such a hard time cos I am so problematic :((((
Z : Ya I know. U are super effing glad to have met me and I can be yr strongest support :)
Me : Thank you Dearie. That's why I depend a lot on u also...
Z : Yes! So don't be so negative anymore ok. I'm very strong, I have a big heart & a strong mind mentally so I'm sent to u to help u oki ^^
Me : I also dunno why I'm so weak. Some words shouldn't be taken seriously but I will still mind.
Z : Cos yr heart weak ma. Must force yourself to take criticism. Ppl say what then let them say la.
Me : Sometimes I wonder how ppl are able to take hurtful remarks thrown at them. Some words are so nasty why can ppl be so mean and still able to say it out?
Z : Yr heart must be a shield for yourself. Ppl say what u can choose to take in selectively. Good one u can listen. Mouths are theirs, that u cannot control.
Me : Think cultivating heck care attitude probably works better for me than trying to work so extremely hard to please everyone. Sigh hopefully I can make my heart stronger oki...
Z : Work hard not for other ppl but yourself. Work hard, in anything, is to make yourself stronger ok!
Me : OK ^^ :)
-
Thank you for always making me :( to :)
I'm not really a fan of CNY cos I haven't been getting CNY clothes/shoes for a long time. I usually just wear clothes that my relatives have not seen it before.
Although I have wanted not to overeat but... hmm... during festive season like such, I guess you follow what everybody's doing. I can only wait until the season is over to go back to regular lifestyle. I didn't get to run the whole of last week and this week cos of rain! I am dying to run everyday if I could (and if I'm not tired - from work).
The only different thing this year was that - I picked up mahjong from my dad. I was never good at games (be it card/board games or those orientation type you do) but since my sisters were so enthu, so we attending the mj workshop/seminar/tutorial conducted by my Papa. Sad to say I really CMI and I don't think I can ever play with real money since I always kept losing :(
It's the second day of CNY but I was already feeling emo looking at those gross pics taken on first day yesterday. I guess it was a wrong choice of dress/outfit. I looked horrendous. Even though I may have nice skin but I have already figured it's not good to expose any flesh cos I am a hippo. Makes me regret ever wearing this dress like that in public before. It must have been eyesore to ppl and I still happily think I look not bad in it. Good grief... and my sisters posted all of those majorly gross puking pics.
Mj is interesting to learn abt cos of the various combi one could get. As much as it takes luck to get good tiles but have to be a bit good with figures to know when to keep and when to discards tiles. Looking at the circles, shapes and all can be confusing. Cos they do not only have 4 suits like you see in poker cards. I admit, I'm not good with counting figures/probability. There are a total of 136 tiles... as oppose to the 54 in poker cards. I know a bit of cards cos I'm pretty good at Solitaire & Spider Solitaire and maybe a bit of Daidee (Big 2).
I though this bonding activity with my family seems not bad until relatives came over and we all noobs play together and that was when as aunt was asking my dad who plays the best amongst we sisters and dad ranked Ah Mian first then Ah Neng then I was the last. "阿恩最差的"
That triggered off the emo monster :(((((
I got up feeling extremely upset when I thought of Papa's words as well as seeing the photos Ah Neng posted, without filtering & considering my feelings what if her friends and our cousins saw those pics that were not meant to see the light. I have disabled my tagged pics such that only her friends and our common friends are the only ones who will see those pics if she decided not to take down :(((
It always makes me think I'm really not good with a lot of things. I am always the stupidest & biggest loser. It's not that I want to win, I'm not even a competitive person to begin with cos I KNOW I'm not good at most things in life. And the comparison is even made bigger since my sisters are so much smarter than me - able to solve rubic cube within a minute, able to memorize things within short time frame, able to calculate some difficult things etc. Above all, my 性格, 人缘 is ridiculously-atrocious.
Mr Z was away in JB (during every CNY) so I could only exchange Whatsapp text with him. Told him that yuan lai I look so nan kan & cui but he always bluff me say I am cute :((( and I really believe it. So whenever my sisters say I look exceptionally gross, they are right. Just that I never chose to accept it. :(((
-
Z : U too negative la. Pics posted not like u lost anything. What's so hard to embrace yourself, including your weakness & flaws. No one is gonna love u if u don't love yourself first. When you love yourself you can be confident and try to make what you have count or more standout, no?
Me : Cos I am really so lousy & nothing I do is correct. Cos I never think I'm ever good!
Z : Precisely, that has always been your weakness. Low self-esteem. Easy to give up when you feel lousy. U barely know abt mj then u say u suck. Diff ppl absorb differently.
Me : I always doubt myself and I always need to seek assurance. Den whenever I don't get it, I feel like dying.
Z : Some have better instincts, better rate of absorbing skills or knowledge. U will never be happy if u only know how to sulk. Instead of realising yuan lai your understanding power not do good, then u need to put in more effort than other ppl what!
Me : I thought I am happy in my own world with my own standard but truth is not like that. You know I'm not competitive and die die NEED to win. When I find things interesting, I will step out and learn more abt it but that doesn't mean once I learn I MUST/WILL be good at it. But I don't like it when ppl say I'm stupid or slow. Even if I really am, is it a sin?
Z : It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn. You don't like ppl to say u stupid or slow but have u wonder how to come to terms yet with your level of understanding power? U shld also know when we watch movies together, sometimes u also don't get the plot what. U are slower in some sense.
Me : :'(
Z : but doesn't mean u cannot work harder than other. If only u can see that.
Me : Ppl catch & able to predict things faster & better than me, I must work harder to understand it faster & better than them?
Z : In a way, yes, if u want to catch up with them. or u can come to terms with it and don't need to care. Knowing u, u can just don't care lor!
Me : My brain is wired up differently so I also dunno how to make it work faster willingly. I also wish to dun care what ppl say but sometimes it gets stuck in my head n their words & actions keeps replaying in my head even though sometimes they may not mean it and that's making me hard to get along with ppl cos I know I will get suck into this kinda situation. I cannot stop myself from feeling negative thinking ppl's impression of how lousy I am if I'm unable to perform up to their standard/expectation. But yet I can't seem to be able to push myself to work harder either. Then end result it becomes I can't do anything well/right. So I'm always getting upset with my family & my friends and I always feel that I'm better off alone.
Z : Ya u already know what makes u upset. Then u have the 2 options like I told u. Work hard & wipe the weak side of yourself away or heck care and just live your life that way it is.
Me : I'm always choosing the latter. Trying to heck care and live my life but sometimes I can't do that. I don't want to be said things like 忘恩负义 or 过河拆桥.
Z : U very jialat in a way u dunno how to choose what's best for yourself. You also don't have a strong resolve to change things. U are contradicting yourself la. Don't want to care means simply don't care, so why care? If not, then u need to have a stronger mind & stomach to cushion the blow ppl are going to give u.
Me : If I work hard but end up disappointing ppl or myself again, I'd rather not. Whenever I try to do things right, I know my way is always different from other ppl, but ppl will doubt me like wah what happen to u, how come sudden spur of moment, since when u so hardworking one? or Eh i tot u last time whatever whatever one... how come now whatever whatever and all sort of stupid remarks.
Z : Who cares abt what other ppl think. I only care abt end results. Just do according to what your heart desire can liao, why u always think so much?
Me : :((((((((
Z : Sigh u like that confirm very difficult to survive in the outside world. U weak in both the mind and the body. Haiz
Me : Sorry, I am ruining yr mood & yr day again :(
Z : The only gd thing is got a loving papa who dotes on u lol and a handsome bf :D Yr life is blessed even though u are no brain sha sha de. 傻人有傻福 not in a bad way. at least u got things u are proud to have in life and got ppl who really cared. U just need to stop all ur negativity thinking la. U dunno what's impt.
Me : I always feel my parents & sisters are bo bian are we're related by blood and I'm unable to do anything to make them proud & I feel it's bo bian they have to stick around in my life even though they hate it. And I always bring their standard down. My mom always doesn't recognise me as 我是她生的.
Z : U already have what other don't have, u dun need to have the THEIR SET of caliber to make them proud. Well, u are the most problematic one yes but know your parents know u got a bf who wants u, they very ease of mind liao. I already help u live up to some of their expectations liao.
Me : They nv thought it's possible I'l have a bf, let alone someone who has been with me for that long :(((((
Z : U don't need to do anything but just go learn how to do hse chores & be a good wife & mom la. And don't do anything that will make u lose me -.-
Me : Orh nod nod. Sorry Dearie, I can never say this enough to u. Sorry for giving u such a hard time cos I am so problematic :((((
Z : Ya I know. U are super effing glad to have met me and I can be yr strongest support :)
Me : Thank you Dearie. That's why I depend a lot on u also...
Z : Yes! So don't be so negative anymore ok. I'm very strong, I have a big heart & a strong mind mentally so I'm sent to u to help u oki ^^
Me : I also dunno why I'm so weak. Some words shouldn't be taken seriously but I will still mind.
Z : Cos yr heart weak ma. Must force yourself to take criticism. Ppl say what then let them say la.
Me : Sometimes I wonder how ppl are able to take hurtful remarks thrown at them. Some words are so nasty why can ppl be so mean and still able to say it out?
Z : Yr heart must be a shield for yourself. Ppl say what u can choose to take in selectively. Good one u can listen. Mouths are theirs, that u cannot control.
Me : Think cultivating heck care attitude probably works better for me than trying to work so extremely hard to please everyone. Sigh hopefully I can make my heart stronger oki...
Z : Work hard not for other ppl but yourself. Work hard, in anything, is to make yourself stronger ok!
Me : OK ^^ :)
-
Thank you for always making me :( to :)
2 Comments
but being born here also means we are very blessed, think about all the things u have that money can't buy, and how u see urself doesn't = to how others see you.
be positive ya.. =)
Although they say if ownself think ownself is good, why bother wat other says but sometimes it's hard oso la.
thank u for leaving me a comment :)