"Pain is telling you the answer when you’re not honest with your heart." 
"Pain is what happens when your feelings are thwarted." 
“When the heart/feelings is/are not being precise, pain will be the answer.”

So why is the culture/society asking & expecting ppl to endure, bear it, take it in, suck it leh? Why must it be "bo bian" or "lan lan" "just have to bear with it lor"?

What is the goal if one is able to successfully 勉强 himself/herself to endure the 痛苦 just to accomplish something which others expect him/her to? Why must the choice of not wanting to be in pain be questioned?

I'd been wanting to leave my job for the longest time but I am always given urgent projects after one another. I don't even remember taking any leaves compared to my other colleagues who work 3-4 days a week arriving after 10am and leaving on time at 530pm. So good life! 

And to think my parents think I ALREADY have very good life here. I've come to terms that I totally cannot communicate with my parents anymore. 

I give up. Totally. 

They had already given up on me. I have also decided to give up. 

It seems like I really can't communicate & interest with ppl. It's driving me crazy that I really think I probably need to seek professional help no matter how siao ding dong I wish I DON'T become.

It's not even that I'm quitting although I know it probably means the same to ppl. Although I have been thinking of quitting/resigning from my current employment for the longest time, but this time I decided to just finish my contract without renewing. Is this the same as quitting? 

Mr Koh always asks me "How's work?" and I always just reply with "Like that lor." 

You know, if I could answer truthfully, I would have said, "Not really fulfilling" but by saying that, they would assume all sorts of things that I'm the one who hiam the job even though that's the truth. Go ask around what are some of the jobs like today! Ppl are becoming shittier & job positions are getting shittier! 

I don't like them to judge me. Nobody liked to be judged, especially being labels as weak/loser. 

I don't like them to always say, "Why you always don't like your jobs one? You can never find an ideal job you like one la! What's wrong with staying in NXX! NXX very good what!" 

Everytime whenever I thought my relationship with them becomes good/better, these kinda CB things will happen until I just totally want to cut off communicating with them.

And the best line? "You can go to work so late not good meh? You can return home for dinner and do your things like jogging & watching drama."

!!!!!! 

MUST I REALLY SPEND 12 hours OUTSIDE TO WORK JUST SO YOU THINK I AM WORKING HARD TO EARN MONEY FOR MYSELF?????

Ah Neng is now a full-fledged primary school teacher since July. She has to leave home extremely early before dawn. Sometimes when I returned home from work and she hasn't returned home yet. So they had to bring in Ah Neng's example of 'working' to compare with mine. 

I told them she fucking earns more than me! If I have to be precise, it's SGD1000 more than me! If I earn x per month, she earns x + 1000 per month.

Mr Koh said, "It's not about the money."

I told him her current 'hardworking' lifestyle is the price for earning more than me! To earn that amount of money, she also has to put in more amount of hours = lesser time for herself.

Then he said, "Where got ppl quit & take break one? Must secure a job no matter what."

I said after my contract end in Nov, I want to take the opportunity to tour Europe in Dec before having a baby next year.

He said, "Traveling is not important at all. What is most important is work/job/earn money." 

WTH!!!! $@&*#^*@&#^)*@(!&%!(@%^!@

I said, "This is what YOU THINK is important. Why are you using it on me? Ah Mian is there, why can't I take the opportunity to visit her as well as other areas of Europe? You think it's boring because you can say it AFTER visiting. But I haven't visit Europe at all before! Why can't I want to visit it? I will have my own experience that will be different from yours!" 

He said, "Got money must save, not spend on traveling. Next time your house come need money, your kids come liao need money. You shouldn't anyhow spend!" 

Yeah, it's all about the money isn't it?? IT STILL IS THE MONEY! Yet you still say it's NOT about the money?? 

SIMI HYPOCRITE DOUBLE STANDARD sai is this????

ORGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dunno why everyday, every moment I have to face all these undesirable things at work and at home. I really shouldn't be here... I really wish I wasn't born in this time and be their kid...

Dearie always ask me and I'm pretty sure a few other friends who knows my situation will ask me why am I not being grateful about life... 

THIS IS WHY!!! 

I can never be good enough to be their kid. They can NEVER ACCEPT, NEVER SUPPORT whatever I do. They must ALWAYS THINK whatever I do is terrible/bad/a sin. 

I am really damn tired. I always have to withstand all these blows after blows. I don't want to be negative yet I keep having to meet situations like that. 

Ya, challenges makes ppl grow! MY FOOT LA! Are these challenges necessary? 

Even though I have no idea what to do with my life, why must I always have to answer to ppl? Why do I need to explain to ppl what I plan to do with my life? 

Must I always know? You mean I cannot dunno what to do with my own life? 

Why do ppl always expect so much out of me? And why is it that if I don't meet it means I am lousy???

Now I know why ppl can be suicidal - pressure from boss, wife/husband, parents, peers... so many ppl's words, influence, expectation, disappointment, responsibilities.............. It's never ending!!!!! 

I'm tired of questioning myself or other ppl questioning me, why other ppl can do it and I can't fucking do it!!!!!!

I'm also sick of being compared to my own sisters all the time. They are happily living their lives without the knowledge of being used as a benchmark by my parents for me to meet. 

It sucks. The suckiest feeling in this life is ppl setting an expectation for u out of nowhere that you didn't even ask for it. 

If I could just say this truthfully to ppl whom I happen to bo bian be bounded by blood or contract, "I am me. I just need to be better than I was yesterday or the day before or last week/month/year. I don't need you to tell me how to live my life cos you have no fucking idea what this life means to me. 

You are not me. You may have had a exciting/happy/fulfilling/disappointing/sorry/miserable life, I don't know and I don't really have to care because those are your glory/memories for you to keep with your this life. But don't preach to me about what is good/bad/right/wrong/normal/abnormal from your extremely narrow perspective or experience. Who are you to decide what I need or what is good for me? 

I have a body and I have my feelings to experience what works for me. Don't you dare to stomp on my or anyone's dreams just because you 'don't like it'. It's fine if you don't respect it because I know you will think it bruise your ego. By all means, continue to bruise the ego of others just cos yours is hurt." 

Parents/Bosses/Employers, if you think saying harsh things will 'toughen-up' your kids/staff/employees, there are always outstanding ppl out there, everywhere! 

Do you really think comparison will help in their personal development? Why do you want to keep focusing on what your kids/staff lack off instead of discovering their potential of what they can do? 

Why don't you see it truly fate that of the ppl you could give birth to or work with, you've got this specially connected person as your kid/staff and try to build upon that relationship instead of distancing yourself just because you have the authority?

My family dunno a single shit about me. They only see that I have a bad attitude and that I'm being extremely difficult and hard to get along. 

But to me, I only see that they're constantly judging me & disapproving me. And being me, I can't be bothered to change how they think. It's just too much for me to explain to the world. 

All they need to do is to support & empathize but no... they only see the surface & the end results. They look at what I didn't achieve & comment around whatever I lacked. Everytime whenever there's a chance of improvement, they always end up saying discouraging things. 

I don't need anymore of those negative words coming from them to imply how lousy or defective as a human being I am. 

I don't really open up to ppl and I always bottle everything up to a point that I realised I can't say any honest/truthful things about HOW I FEEL to them at all! I cannot say things like I feel xin ku, it hurts me, I think I can't cope/manage it. 

So what did I do? I tried to pretend & act out the role and ideal state which you all think I should be. When I didn't do well in concealing how I truly feel, I get reprimanded and my family think I'm a crazy person always crying over 'trivial things/matters'. 

I was convinced everyone around me are unable to accept 'the real me' but are being forced to. I KNOW ppl around me are also bo bian have to mian qiang yourself to try not to be too critical/harsh in front of me. But I feel even worse when you all don't understand how I feel & assumed I'm being 'childish, selfish, wilful'.

Ya! You all always like to say I only think about myself! YA! Cos that's really what I REALLY feel like. I am carrying all my own burden & struggles MYSELF! It's MY OWN problems and I ONLY have myself to solve it without the care & concern of anyone.

Whenever I feel lousy & bad, I JUST HAVE TO suck it & find ways to feel better again. But you know what?? The process of having to keep shoving my negativity under my own carpet is really too much. Everyday I feel like walking on a tight rope, not knowing what hurtful remarks ppl are going to say to & about me again.

WHY DID I EVEN STAY ON 2 YEARS IN A JOB THAT IS TOTALLY WRONG FOR ME???

I just wanted to hang on & hold on to prove that I can fucking stay in a job if I need to BUT I AM NOT HAPPY WHAT!!!!!

It's so fucking easy to guess what they say. "Why not happy? Must be you hiam lor!"

You tell me how to explain??

I told Mr Koh, "It's like in a relationship. If it's toxic & draining then just end it la! Why still mian qiang to be together? I marry Shunxiang because I enjoy being with him. I feel alive & useful when I'm with him because he appreciate me for who I am and the things I do for him. I just merely need a boss/employer like that. Such a suay lang like me can also find a husband like that. Why can't I find a job or a boss like that too? I believe I can find so why must force me to stay FOREVER in a single job????"

They don't get it. They don't understand but they also don't bother to because to them, all these kinda thinking IS WRONG!

I don't think he knows that this is the generation that is way off from his whereby, during his time, ppl were simply happy to have a job, even if that meant standing by a machine all 8-12 hours all day. They didn't get sad or feel purposeless because they weren't "living their passion". They were fulfilled simply in the ability to work & provide for their family. They feel that it's a TMD BLESSING to have a job so one must be thankful, loyal to stay throughout their entire life with it.

Are there such ppl like that now who are at MY age? Sure, there are simple ppl with simple needs. They are ok with anything as long as it fulfills their needs, whatever they are.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

They feel my life is very relax, can watch drama, HAS a husband, no financial debt, no need to do chores. They feel that having 'this relax life' means I'm lazy & not doing anything productive with my life.

If that is the case, I really have no idea what is THEIR standard/expectation of 'good/productive' life. They keep using Ah Neng as example that it's GOOD being a teacher who's able to give back to society & doing the society good etc.

I don't need a family like that. I live until very xin ku till the verge of giving up. So many times.

My heart hurts. My heart hurts.

It's like what I started this entry with about Pain giving you the answer. So what is exactly is wrong??? What should I do???

I WANT TO BELIEVE that I am also a person who is able to yield good returns/results but I also don't know why my work/job/career/passion/calling is so 不顺.

OR MAYBE, they're not classified as the same thing? They're all meant to be separated individually?