Was engaging on a topic with Adeline about her friend who is able to go on and on, yaking non-stop, one-sidely about her stories & experiences.
At the same time I was actually studying Korean words but got bored and read up on a current Korean Drama I was watching - Best/Greatest Love. Then reading about Cha Seung Won then it lead to reading about his other drama City Hall where Kim Sun Ah was the female lead then it lead to comparison to her role in Kim Sam Soon then it lead to Hyun Bin then to Secret Garden and I chanced by this page.
To those who watched, in Secret Garden, Hyun Bin plays a rather eccentric role where his behaviours aren't really 'normal human being'. So yes, when he discovered that he developed feelings for Ha Ji Won, he will chant a really long chant to stop himself to be so obsessed thinking about or being around her.
As that page suggested, it explained the meaning of the chant. But while strolling to the bottom, the author added a line about what she thought Joo Won (Hyun Bin's character in Secret Garden) is like. At the very same time, Adeline was also describing how her friend was....
You can call it a coincidence or something but all along I was also trying to find out my own problem as to why I'm such a jia lat case in terms of interacting with ppl. I was experiencing a mad rush of:
a. I think Adeline's friend sound like me
b. I think what the author wrote about Joo Won sounds like me
c. But when I watched Secret Garden, I don't think I'm like Joo Won leh!
Since the wikipedia link of it was provided I went to read about it and... as it turned out, a lot of the points mentioned seemed to be me, my condition/characteristics?
I'm picked out what seems like 'describing me' and compiled the information below. Dark Pink is what I think is my trait :( and italic light blue are my comments.
What is it Asperger Syndrome?
It is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical use of language are frequently reported.
The Characteristics
Asperger syndrome is distinguished by a pattern of symptoms rather than a single symptom. It is characterized by qualitative impairment in social interaction. The lack of empathy is possibly the most dysfunctional aspect of Asperger syndrome. (Ppl always look at my blank face and ask 你有没有在听? or 你明不明白? =\)
Individuals with AS experience difficulties in basic elements of social interaction, which may include a failure to develop friendships or to seek shared enjoyments or achievements with others. For example, showing others objects of interest, a lack of social or emotional reciprocity, and impaired nonverbal behaviors in areas such as eye contact, facial expression, posture, and gesture. (I wonder how I used to hang out with my primary school friends such as Huishan, Qifen, Shuping etc but one thing's for sure, I REALLY like writing letters back then and having so many penpals was something that made me happy cos I expressed better in letters.)
Individuals with AS often have excellent auditory and visual perception. Children with ASD often demonstrate enhanced perception of small changes in patterns such as arrangements of objects or images; typically this is domain-specific and involves processing of fine-grained features. They may be unusually sensitive or insensitive to sound, light, and other stimuli. (I remember positions of every item in my room cos I was the one who put it and I will get extremely irritated when somebody re-arranged my toys/books in my room. I remember which photos is in which photo album on which page. Yes, I am ultrasensitive to sound, I cannot shut any sound/music/words/noise coming through my ear. As a light sleeper, it's possible I don't get any sleep cos of all the sound happening outside my window.)
ASD is thought of as a condition mostly affecting males, with males up to four times more likely than females to be diagnosed with autism or Asperger syndrome. Autism may express differently in the sexes. Females may be more concerned with how they are viewed by peers and the failure to connect with people outside of their immediate family could lead to severe anxiety or clinical depression. Females with autism who have normal intelligence may be more socially disadvantaged than males because of the "rising level of social interaction that comes with growing up" when females' "friendships often hinge on attention to feelings and lots of rapid and nuanced communication."
Social Impact
For example, a person with AS may engage in a one-sided, long-winded speech about a favorite topic, while misunderstanding or not recognizing the listener's feelings or reactions, such as a need for privacy or haste to leave. This social awkwardness has been called "active but odd". (So, does this is considered low EQ or due to character deficiency?)
This failure to react appropriately to social interaction may appear as disregard for other people's feelings, and may come across as insensitive. Some of them may even display selective mutism, speaking not at all to most people and excessively to specific people. Some may choose to talk only to people they like. (I dunno if it's a general thing for ppl to not talk to ppl they dislike and only talk to those who deem approachable. But I'm definitely not the one who is able to talk to JUST anybody. I know I used to have a weird phobia to not able to order food. I find it extremely hard to do it - be it over the counter, in restaurants or at hawker centre. =\)
People with AS may analyze and distill their observations of social interaction into rigid behavioral guidelines, and apply these rules in awkward ways resulting in a demeanor that appears rigid or socially naive. Childhood desire for companionship can become numbed through a history of failed social encounters. (Yeah, rigid, stubborn, weird logic/thinking and whatever you call it... )
Children with AS may be overly literal, and may have difficulty interpreting and responding to humour, irony, teasing, sarcasm, banter, or metaphorical speech. Difficulties with social interaction may also be manifest in a lack of play with other children. Although individuals with AS usually understand the cognitive basis of humor, they seem to lack understanding of the intent of humor to share enjoyment with others. (Yup, I can't tell apart. I take everything at face value. Only when ppl add 'just kidding' then I will take it as kidding, that's why I will be offended when they make comment like "Why u look so lok kok today!" or "Your bag don't quite match your outfit leh." Of all kinda of comments, don't say shit about my appearance can? I'm not fashionable or rich, I happy with my old fashion clothes can?)
People with Asperger syndrome often display behavior, interests, and activities that are restricted and repetitive and are sometimes abnormally intense or focused. They may stick to inflexible routines, move in stereotyped and repetitive ways.
People with AS often have a limited range of intonation: speech may be unusually fast, jerky or loud. Speech may convey a sense of incoherence; the conversational style often includes monologues about topics that bore the listener, fails to provide context for comments, or fails to suppress internal thoughts. Individuals with AS may fail to monitor whether the listener is interested or engaged in the conversation. The speaker's conclusion or point may never be made, and attempts by the listener to elaborate on the speech's content or logic, or to shift to related topics, are often unsuccessful. (Ya, the 'why I need to tell the whole world abt everything' comes in here. Not proud of it but sometimes can't help it :( When I am ranting about something, there tend not to be any conclusion/solution, it's just the act of wanting to 'talk it out about it'. It doesn't matter whether I; 1 - I don't like doing something I have to do, 2 - I don't do it but feel guilty for not doing it. Cos ultimately I always still just do it, just matter of level of buay song-ness cos of "the consequences of saying no or rejecting" *rolls eyes* hence, it results in the unbalance/unfairness I am feeling cos nobody bother to explain WHY. But then again, even if they explained, I would probably still 'dun get it')
The above problems can even arise in the family; given an unfavorable family environment, the child may be subject to emotional abuse. A child or teen with AS is often puzzled by this mistreatment, unaware of what has been done incorrectly. Unlike other pervasive development disorders, most children with AS want to be social, but fail to socialize successfully, which can lead to later withdrawal and asocial behavior, especially in adolescence. (A bit what I have explained in the previous paragraph)
A child with AS might be regarded as a "problem child" or a "poor performer." The child’s extremely low tolerance for what they perceive to be ordinary and mundane tasks, such as typical homework assignments, can easily become frustrating; a teacher may well consider the child arrogant, spiteful, and insubordinate. Lack of support and understanding, in combination with the child's anxieties, can result in problematic behaviour such as severe tantrums, violent and angry outbursts, and withdrawal. (I still AM regarded as a problematic & under-performer/under-achiever NOW anyway.)
Relationships
Two traits sometimes found in AS individuals are mind-blindness (the inability to predict the beliefs and intentions of others) and alexithymia (the inability to identify and interpret emotional signals in oneself or others), which reduce the ability to be empathetically attuned to others. A second issue related to alexithymia involves the inability to identify and modulate strong emotions such as sadness or anger, which leaves the individual prone to "sudden affective outbursts such as crying or rage"
(Haiz. To be honest, I used to think I really am 'something wrong' cos of all these. I know my parents, sisters & a few close ones probably won't ever figure out and think I'm very short tempered, petty, cannot accept/take it lying, why so easily agitated over small/little things only? When I'm feeling that way, I only know how to sulk & 'angry at whole world')
People with AS may exhibit ongoing difficulty in social and romantic relationships as well as kinship. Most young adults with AS remain at home. The "different-ness" adolescents experience can be traumatic. People with AS report a feeling of being detached against their will from the world around them ("on the outside looking in"). They may have difficulty finding a life partner or getting married due to poor social skills, although some do marry and work independently. ( :( everything is correct. Cos ppl find it hard to get along with me, just as I find it hard to get along with others. It's funny how I have no problems with these at all during my poly/hai die days. It was only during pri/sec & in recent years that the struggles I faced to be 'socially accepted' become more apparent.)
The complexity and inconsistency of the social world can pose an extreme challenge for individuals with AS. Anxiety may stem from being placed in a situation without a clear schedule or expectations, or from concern with failing in social encounters; the resulting stress may manifest as inattention, withdrawal, reliance on obsessions, hyperactivity, or aggressive or oppositional behaviour. (And here's the most appropriate line that sums up everything. Ppl always say I am complicated/complex but you know what? I could say its the same of ppl/the world. I cannot comprehend why it's so hard for me to understand ppl and so hard for them to accept me. And I want to believe it's not cos I'm stupid for 'not getting it'.)
Causes
Hans Asperger described common symptoms among his patients' family members, especially fathers, and research supports this observation and suggests a genetic contribution to Asperger syndrome. Evidence for a genetic link is the tendency for AS to run in families and an observed higher incidence of family members who have behavioral symptoms similar to AS.
-
So my character/problem is inherited?
Come to think of it, I think Papa is like that also. And well, it's not hard to figure why Papa is like that. Cos Papa's family is also like that -.-
Mama also always say Papa's family is qi guai. But my parents say I'm qi guai. I know they know I DO NOT LIKE to be said weird/different/special/stupid, but sometimes they'd just keep emphasising in OTHER ways/methods of saying. Especially my mom. Wah lau, I kena criticized/hiam and show black face she can actually say things like, "不可以讲的meh? 讲都不可以啊?"
You expect the person you criticised about to smile at you and thank you for making nasty remark about him/her huh? You think that's going to happen? He/she diao you, you still got cheek to say "What? Cannot comment meh? Comment also cannot ah?" You tell me kiam pak or not?
Haiz.
Just cost I'm not as smart & quick like my sisters, I kena ostrasized. Ostrasizing don't have to occur outside, my home/family have already. Hey, favouritism starts from home! If you'd been told you suck ALL your life, would you feel good/confident EVER?
Adeline says I just have to accept I'm not good in everything. But thing is... I accept leh, but my parents can't even accept/embrace that then how? I'm not saying I MAY or may not have ASD/AS (dunno how it's diagnosed anyway), but the truth is I really have problems understanding/learning/comprehending other ppl's meaning. So when I don't get it fast enough, I'm deemed stupid right?
Ya, I am slow. I am the tortoise of the race. My mom always say I'm so much slower than my peers. She always feel there's no time to waste, makes me also feel that I cannot waste my time but what's so hard to accept other ppl take 1 day to understand, I take few days is not acceptable in her context huh? Then she'll say, "why ppl can do it in 1 day, u cannot?" -.- Then how can I reply without ALREADY feeling lousy? I can only say "ppl is ppl ma, I am me ma."
You know the situation whereby the teacher/instructor will ask "Clear? Any questions?" I actually am the person with MANY questions that I want to raise but when I look around, everybody is already starting to work on it while I'm still unclear. I'm told I asked too many questions (by my sisters mainly) and they don't have the patience to answer my, what they think are bo liao/stupid questions. Sometimes I get curious about things, so I asked but I didn't realise ppl may not want to answer me cos they just don't.
So I stopped asking questions, afraid of offending ppl. But ppl thought I bochup, don't care, unfriendly, anti-social, don't want to get involved. Then I get confused all over again.
I think Xiang is the most patient person in the world with me. He reacts super duper fast. He's probably trained somewhere somehow. He picks up things fast and able to predict things ahead and seem to be aware of everything in the surrounding. I'm very jia lat and he knows and he still stays - for 5.5 years. Sometimes I feel that I don't deserve him :(
When I think of my flaws, I :'( low self-esteem, social awkwardness, scared of embarrassment/rejection, aren't able to deal with criticism, very negative/pessimistic, you get the drift. I am ultra sensitive and easily crumble down by ppl's words/comments so I always avoid/stay away at all cost. Sometimes I become the heartless one to cut off relationships/ties with ppl so I don't have to be humiliated. Blablabla... and a set of chain reaction again & again cos I am weak-willed, weak-minded, weak-heart. I will think that bad things occur to me and/or ppl around me is me being a jinx/loser. I just want to survive, why is it so hard? How do I stop all these vicious cycle?
I KNOW I have to fix/solve it but I just don't know how to step out to cultivate a bigger heart & a stronger mind. Surely I'm not the only weird/abnormal one around? :(
I always want to avoid miscommunication/misunderstandings, that's why I want to be clear. So I asked questions. I am not stingy with questions to learn something alien/new, I only worry if ppl will get impatient & irritated with me asking so many questions/times.
I know it's sometimes ok to make mistakes doing something new but not everybody knows that. When you do something wrong, they'll make it like super grave. It takes a lot of experiences to make a person kia si.
When a kid doesn't understand, one will be most forgiving and "ok, he/she is still young". When an adult doesn't understand or don't get it, don't tell me you don't anticipate any of those "Goodness! Why is this person so fucking stupid? Why doesn't he understand something so fucking simple! So simple also dunno!"
When a kid cries over something, it's cos they don't know how to conceal their feelings. When an adult tear, one will think there's something wrong and why are they crying, so childish and don't know how to act maturely etc.
Adeline said something that made me LOL but also felt better, "If you have a task at hand and you know I you ask for help to get answers, that person confirm say you stupid. But if you don't ask, you can't do your task. Just be thick-skin abit and ngeh geh get the answer you're looking. Get your task done and get over. Ppl don't say u stupid, your boss will say you're stupid 'Dunno den dun ask?' EVEN WORSE! Of cos will be upset when ppl say you're stupid. Hello! No one likes to be call stupid. You say I'm stupid, I will of cos be unhappy. But move on lor! At most I just don't like that person only."
HAHAHAHAHA....
She has a way of making my day better. I guess ppl with faith tend to inspire others a lot :D Thanks for making every day of the weekday more enjoyable for me and something for me to look forward to on a daily basis :)
I'm not trying to prove the existence or signs of any possible medical conditions/personality deficiency that I am having. I believe everybody is given the chance & a choice to be comfortable in their own skin. I am at extreme peace as long as I'm comfortable, so is everybody else when they are at ease physically & mentally.
However, I am always struggling with that due to the social standards/conformities to 'be nice, considerate & friendly'. I always feel extremely uncomfortable & unable to come to terms when ppl are telling me what's good & bad, wrong & right, can do & cannot do. How the hell do YOU know what's 'good' & what's 'bad' for someone else?
I am fine with short hair, thank you. I know long hair is deemed more attractive for a woman's head/face/body and able to experience with more styles but I just like to keep it short.
I know EVERYBODY likes chocolates and would go gaga over it, it's yummy, high quality, high premium, rare etc etc But I just don't like sticky & overly sweet stuff down my throat. So yes I don't take it so don't come and tell me "Lai la, eat la! It's so good you know! Wah lau you dunno how to appreciate one." Just cos I don't eat chocolates, I'm being ostracized for being the weird one again right?
Haiz. MMT. (a term that will appear pretty often - makes me think)
Like what I did to my resolutions for 2012, I'm just going to follow my heart and accept & embrace everything.
Like what I mentioned, everybody is given the chance & a choice to be comfortable in their own skin. Let's just strive for that.
PEACE YO!
Monday, January 30, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Makes Me Think
It's one of those moment when things starts rolling/folding/unfolding in front of you all at the same time that makes one think.
It doesn't necessarily seem good or bad. It just makes you think/reflect about it. In fact there's a website call MakesMeThink.com where ppl would summarize the very specific situation in a few sentence or a paragraph. I first knew about MMT while reading an entry from MarcAndAngel.com and would occasionally pop by to read a few stories that will warm my heart and makes me feel I'm/everyone is only human.
Of course, I am a lor sor auntie and I'm not able to sum up what makes me think into a few lines only lol since I'm usually spurred by many factors at the same time.
Sometime back before CNY, there has been some high profile online feuds going on. I admit I am one of those 'boliao netizens' who went to kpo and read all about it. Though I may not entirely remember each & every content, but after reading all sides, it strucked me. Mainly because I'd been in the shoes for BOTH sides.
Yes, I have been the "although I feel that we 谈得来 but sometimes I'm irked by some of your boliao & weird actions & your insensitivity but I care about your feelings so I never showed & tell you anything" AS WELL AS the "I don't know/understand why we don't hang out anymore. Why have we drifted? Is there something about me that you don't like? Am I so detestable/unlikable?"
I'm not the best person to be friends with neither do I have any lovable traits which draw ppl to me. I am eccentric, 孤僻 and 古怪. I'm not good at communicating/expressing myself to keep up with a conversation with ppl. I am wired a bit differently and it makes it hard for ppl to communicate with me as well. But then again, I think I am usually the first to build up a barrier even before letting anyone in, cos I can't even step out my comfort zone TO BE MYSELF cos of all the social conformities.
Sometimes I also find that I am trying too hard to blend in with others and always struggle with "算了拉，勉强是没有幸福的。没有话题/共同点，就是没有." & :just relax & be normal lor, no need to impress ppl what". If I insist the way I think/act (which usually is rather selfish/self-centred), I end up becoming 不合群 and ppl will not want me to be part of their clique/group since I'm such a lousy team player. So ppl will definitely find it hard to 相处 with me - dunno what the hell is wrong with me, why I'm so particular, why I cannot chin chai or why I always anyhow think and form things in my head.
That's when all the assumption/miscommunication/coordination go wrong.
One party feels ashamed, thinking the other party won't ever forget the negative/aggravating emotion cause by the other party even if it's sometimes unintentionally. One party feel the other party should apologise and shouldn't be the first to initiate anything. Then it's a vicious cycle of "算了，累了, 放弃拉" & "都朋友这么久了，为什么这样？”
A is 敏感又忌恨记仇的人，被伤到了，不说不表示。
B is 讲话没有大脑的人，不知道自己得罪人。
Have you been in both situations before? How do you handle it?
If I'm in A, I usually will 'blacklist' the person and will walk away quietly & move on and hope things will resolve on its own. As in, usually after a (long) while, I will forget it if the other party do not irk/hurt me again and we shall restart since I would think other party probably never noticed I 'had ever left before', just 'never contact' much.
Unfortunately, more often than not, I'm in the situation of B than of A. Because of that, I have also walked out/away from many ppl in my lives. Of course the situation always happen when I don't know. And insensitive or low EQ ppl, like me, would only find out thereafter that our words/actions made ppl turn off. It MAY help if the person in B would just admit & apologise, whether the other party accept is another matter. 得罪就要赔罪，天经地义. But.... 我常常没有做到。
My theory/logic is I won't risk saying wrong things and you wont hear those things you don't like to hear if we just don't meet/hang out anymore. Cos I probably wouldn't know your unhappiness until the matter triggers some other chain reaction and only then I'd happen to know somehow. Ya, sometimes things don't have to be too extreme or need to be 撕破脸皮. But sometimes there just comes to a point in your life that you don't need to go through all these confrontations from others. Can't everyone just live in peace? 井水不犯河水.
Most of my post usually rant about being B, hence the spur of a lot of emo post which to others may seem small & insignificant and would wave it off as me being insecure or wallowing in self-pity what not and will "there she goes again"....
But 重点 is, there was this one time, just one single time I was A and I really felt that the other party was B but I would feel that my B-ness level isn't as hers. So, like anybody in A, I moved away and we never talk or spoken ever since. But as time pass, I guess I felt from an A to a B again which was then I realised, any kind of situation will make me a B :(
Everyone has their way of 'treating a friend like a friend'. Eg. X & Y are friends. X treats Y as like 85/100-mark friend, but Y may feel that X is a 65/100-friend to her. Y hasn't really felt THAT close to X yet. But X's nature is friendly so X is friendly to everybody. That's why X thought Y treated her like an 85/100 friend as well so X was hurt to also know that yuan lai Y only sees her as 65/100.
If it helps, I was Y and the friend was X. In that case, the only 'wrong' thing I didn't do was doing what that person expected me to do and she was disappointed that I 'didn't do my part as a friend' for her. Hence I never once apologised for doing what I did cos I felt I was merely telling to someone else how I felt. There were 2 other ppl indirectly involved.
I knew a C from X. The 3 of us had a common interest that we loved doing and would meet regularly to do this activity. All the while I know X had a strong character and often like to lead. Maybe she didn't really WANT to lead but C & I were more giving so we usually let it be even though sometimes I may not agree. There was a period of time when we were thrown in a situation to work closely with X on a huge major project. All the while there were no major problems with X even though sometimes will feel ridiculous or pissed off but they were still bearable, until that project came along.
Ironically, I grew closer to C than with X as I would pour all unhappiness about X to C since C & X are much closer & has a longer friendship history than me. C was very positive and being very understanding & encouraging. All the while I have the wishes & intention to form another project with C without X cos sometimes X really push all the wrong buttons in me but of cos X doesn't know or realise that cos I never display any unhappiness in front of her. X has a habit of being extremely defensive when being confronted - which was something not just me who had first-hand experience during the huge major project period. Many a time, things we brought up to her will be waved off and she'll insist her ideas and therefore imposing on us. There was no breathing space if we were just have things being shoved down at our throats. I don't know if she ever knew about that =\ cos since nobody ever (dared) to get it through her head?
After the huge major project was over, all of us took quite a long 6-month break until X gathered us for another project which was a competition. I sure did miss doing what I love doing with them but the thought of 'another competition', I wasn't really THAT enthu due to the previous traumatic experience. But the eagerness to continue do what I love doing was more overwhelming.
So there was this other person, Q who knows X from me. Q doesn't really like X but I don't have a problem with that since Q & X won't ever meet/hang out. The thing which all of us do is a small circle and everybody knows everybody. I would say I'm not close to Q either but I enjoy chatting with ppl about the thing that we do, which includes the technical aspect of it and Q is a technical expert/professional on that. So I mentioned to Q about C, if perhaps we could collaborate on other projects.
Q then asked "Then what about X?" To be honest, I wasn't really enthu about competitions, I'd very much love to do 'the real thing on a regular basis or one-time off' kinda thing though I know it's quite hard so competitions are sort of 2nd-best options. Q was under the impression that X & I always stuck together and questioned about whether I could leave X and do it on my own. I have been thinking about this far & long for many times. I know I wouldn't get so many opportunities if not for X but I really don't like the dictatorship of where this is bringing me. If I have the opportunity & right time, I'd definitely want to do this myself. But I'd tried and it didn't work. Then X roped me in and we'd gotten some achievements, I like it. But I didn't like what I'd to put up with to get there. So I told Q about my 'grievances' & helplessness, also about X as well cos I couldn't choose and don't know what the best for myself.
After having this convo with Q, I wanted to share it with C but alas, an unfortunate mistake occurred and I'd sent it to X herself instead. She read all about it and understandably, she was furiously mad. Her one question came, "Why didn't you defend for me when Q say all the negative things about me which weren't true? He doesn't know me but YOU KNOW me. Am I really like that?"
I didn't defend for myself for the that thing she said I hadn't done. I didn't explain anything further. Therefore she got mad cos she thinks I'm 'not being a friend' here. I had also never once apologised for what it happened except voluntarily quit the team/competition. At first, she said I'm being irresponsible but I told her since she had already read everything, should I still continue? She didn't reply and we never spoke. She found another replacement for the competition and we weren't friends anymore cos I eventually pulled out from everything. The team she led eventually won the 1st place for that competition and many other chances & opportunities to do what we had envisioned ourselves doing back in the days... and I'm not part of it any longer.
Yes, it's been 3 years. She is doing really well with her new team. To say I don't envy and I'm not bitter is a lie. We have all moved on but it's still stuck there somewhere in my memory whenever I stumble on 'friendship problems'.
I would just wish ppl do not bear/put/pin any expectation on me, cos I'm bound to disappoint.
It doesn't necessarily seem good or bad. It just makes you think/reflect about it. In fact there's a website call MakesMeThink.com where ppl would summarize the very specific situation in a few sentence or a paragraph. I first knew about MMT while reading an entry from MarcAndAngel.com and would occasionally pop by to read a few stories that will warm my heart and makes me feel I'm/everyone is only human.
Of course, I am a lor sor auntie and I'm not able to sum up what makes me think into a few lines only lol since I'm usually spurred by many factors at the same time.
Sometime back before CNY, there has been some high profile online feuds going on. I admit I am one of those 'boliao netizens' who went to kpo and read all about it. Though I may not entirely remember each & every content, but after reading all sides, it strucked me. Mainly because I'd been in the shoes for BOTH sides.
Yes, I have been the "although I feel that we 谈得来 but sometimes I'm irked by some of your boliao & weird actions & your insensitivity but I care about your feelings so I never showed & tell you anything" AS WELL AS the "I don't know/understand why we don't hang out anymore. Why have we drifted? Is there something about me that you don't like? Am I so detestable/unlikable?"
I'm not the best person to be friends with neither do I have any lovable traits which draw ppl to me. I am eccentric, 孤僻 and 古怪. I'm not good at communicating/expressing myself to keep up with a conversation with ppl. I am wired a bit differently and it makes it hard for ppl to communicate with me as well. But then again, I think I am usually the first to build up a barrier even before letting anyone in, cos I can't even step out my comfort zone TO BE MYSELF cos of all the social conformities.
Sometimes I also find that I am trying too hard to blend in with others and always struggle with "算了拉，勉强是没有幸福的。没有话题/共同点，就是没有." & :just relax & be normal lor, no need to impress ppl what". If I insist the way I think/act (which usually is rather selfish/self-centred), I end up becoming 不合群 and ppl will not want me to be part of their clique/group since I'm such a lousy team player. So ppl will definitely find it hard to 相处 with me - dunno what the hell is wrong with me, why I'm so particular, why I cannot chin chai or why I always anyhow think and form things in my head.
That's when all the assumption/miscommunication/coordination go wrong.
One party feels ashamed, thinking the other party won't ever forget the negative/aggravating emotion cause by the other party even if it's sometimes unintentionally. One party feel the other party should apologise and shouldn't be the first to initiate anything. Then it's a vicious cycle of "算了，累了, 放弃拉" & "都朋友这么久了，为什么这样？”
A is 敏感又忌恨记仇的人，被伤到了，不说不表示。
B is 讲话没有大脑的人，不知道自己得罪人。
Have you been in both situations before? How do you handle it?
If I'm in A, I usually will 'blacklist' the person and will walk away quietly & move on and hope things will resolve on its own. As in, usually after a (long) while, I will forget it if the other party do not irk/hurt me again and we shall restart since I would think other party probably never noticed I 'had ever left before', just 'never contact' much.
Unfortunately, more often than not, I'm in the situation of B than of A. Because of that, I have also walked out/away from many ppl in my lives. Of course the situation always happen when I don't know. And insensitive or low EQ ppl, like me, would only find out thereafter that our words/actions made ppl turn off. It MAY help if the person in B would just admit & apologise, whether the other party accept is another matter. 得罪就要赔罪，天经地义. But.... 我常常没有做到。
My theory/logic is I won't risk saying wrong things and you wont hear those things you don't like to hear if we just don't meet/hang out anymore. Cos I probably wouldn't know your unhappiness until the matter triggers some other chain reaction and only then I'd happen to know somehow. Ya, sometimes things don't have to be too extreme or need to be 撕破脸皮. But sometimes there just comes to a point in your life that you don't need to go through all these confrontations from others. Can't everyone just live in peace? 井水不犯河水.
Most of my post usually rant about being B, hence the spur of a lot of emo post which to others may seem small & insignificant and would wave it off as me being insecure or wallowing in self-pity what not and will "there she goes again"....
But 重点 is, there was this one time, just one single time I was A and I really felt that the other party was B but I would feel that my B-ness level isn't as hers. So, like anybody in A, I moved away and we never talk or spoken ever since. But as time pass, I guess I felt from an A to a B again which was then I realised, any kind of situation will make me a B :(
Everyone has their way of 'treating a friend like a friend'. Eg. X & Y are friends. X treats Y as like 85/100-mark friend, but Y may feel that X is a 65/100-friend to her. Y hasn't really felt THAT close to X yet. But X's nature is friendly so X is friendly to everybody. That's why X thought Y treated her like an 85/100 friend as well so X was hurt to also know that yuan lai Y only sees her as 65/100.
If it helps, I was Y and the friend was X. In that case, the only 'wrong' thing I didn't do was doing what that person expected me to do and she was disappointed that I 'didn't do my part as a friend' for her. Hence I never once apologised for doing what I did cos I felt I was merely telling to someone else how I felt. There were 2 other ppl indirectly involved.
I knew a C from X. The 3 of us had a common interest that we loved doing and would meet regularly to do this activity. All the while I know X had a strong character and often like to lead. Maybe she didn't really WANT to lead but C & I were more giving so we usually let it be even though sometimes I may not agree. There was a period of time when we were thrown in a situation to work closely with X on a huge major project. All the while there were no major problems with X even though sometimes will feel ridiculous or pissed off but they were still bearable, until that project came along.
Ironically, I grew closer to C than with X as I would pour all unhappiness about X to C since C & X are much closer & has a longer friendship history than me. C was very positive and being very understanding & encouraging. All the while I have the wishes & intention to form another project with C without X cos sometimes X really push all the wrong buttons in me but of cos X doesn't know or realise that cos I never display any unhappiness in front of her. X has a habit of being extremely defensive when being confronted - which was something not just me who had first-hand experience during the huge major project period. Many a time, things we brought up to her will be waved off and she'll insist her ideas and therefore imposing on us. There was no breathing space if we were just have things being shoved down at our throats. I don't know if she ever knew about that =\ cos since nobody ever (dared) to get it through her head?
After the huge major project was over, all of us took quite a long 6-month break until X gathered us for another project which was a competition. I sure did miss doing what I love doing with them but the thought of 'another competition', I wasn't really THAT enthu due to the previous traumatic experience. But the eagerness to continue do what I love doing was more overwhelming.
So there was this other person, Q who knows X from me. Q doesn't really like X but I don't have a problem with that since Q & X won't ever meet/hang out. The thing which all of us do is a small circle and everybody knows everybody. I would say I'm not close to Q either but I enjoy chatting with ppl about the thing that we do, which includes the technical aspect of it and Q is a technical expert/professional on that. So I mentioned to Q about C, if perhaps we could collaborate on other projects.
Q then asked "Then what about X?" To be honest, I wasn't really enthu about competitions, I'd very much love to do 'the real thing on a regular basis or one-time off' kinda thing though I know it's quite hard so competitions are sort of 2nd-best options. Q was under the impression that X & I always stuck together and questioned about whether I could leave X and do it on my own. I have been thinking about this far & long for many times. I know I wouldn't get so many opportunities if not for X but I really don't like the dictatorship of where this is bringing me. If I have the opportunity & right time, I'd definitely want to do this myself. But I'd tried and it didn't work. Then X roped me in and we'd gotten some achievements, I like it. But I didn't like what I'd to put up with to get there. So I told Q about my 'grievances' & helplessness, also about X as well cos I couldn't choose and don't know what the best for myself.
After having this convo with Q, I wanted to share it with C but alas, an unfortunate mistake occurred and I'd sent it to X herself instead. She read all about it and understandably, she was furiously mad. Her one question came, "Why didn't you defend for me when Q say all the negative things about me which weren't true? He doesn't know me but YOU KNOW me. Am I really like that?"
I didn't defend for myself for the that thing she said I hadn't done. I didn't explain anything further. Therefore she got mad cos she thinks I'm 'not being a friend' here. I had also never once apologised for what it happened except voluntarily quit the team/competition. At first, she said I'm being irresponsible but I told her since she had already read everything, should I still continue? She didn't reply and we never spoke. She found another replacement for the competition and we weren't friends anymore cos I eventually pulled out from everything. The team she led eventually won the 1st place for that competition and many other chances & opportunities to do what we had envisioned ourselves doing back in the days... and I'm not part of it any longer.
Yes, it's been 3 years. She is doing really well with her new team. To say I don't envy and I'm not bitter is a lie. We have all moved on but it's still stuck there somewhere in my memory whenever I stumble on 'friendship problems'.
I would just wish ppl do not bear/put/pin any expectation on me, cos I'm bound to disappoint.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
:( and :)
Happy Lunar New Year. It's the year of Dragon and I hope everyone's enjoying the auspicious year so far.
I'm not really a fan of CNY cos I haven't been getting CNY clothes/shoes for a long time. I usually just wear clothes that my relatives have not seen it before.
Although I have wanted not to overeat but... hmm... during festive season like such, I guess you follow what everybody's doing. I can only wait until the season is over to go back to regular lifestyle. I didn't get to run the whole of last week and this week cos of rain! I am dying to run everyday if I could (and if I'm not tired - from work).
The only different thing this year was that - I picked up mahjong from my dad. I was never good at games (be it card/board games or those orientation type you do) but since my sisters were so enthu, so we attending the mj workshop/seminar/tutorial conducted by my Papa. Sad to say I really CMI and I don't think I can ever play with real money since I always kept losing :(
It's the second day of CNY but I was already feeling emo looking at those gross pics taken on first day yesterday. I guess it was a wrong choice of dress/outfit. I looked horrendous. Even though I may have nice skin but I have already figured it's not good to expose any flesh cos I am a hippo. Makes me regret ever wearing this dress like that in public before. It must have been eyesore to ppl and I still happily think I look not bad in it. Good grief... and my sisters posted all of those majorly gross puking pics.
Mj is interesting to learn abt cos of the various combi one could get. As much as it takes luck to get good tiles but have to be a bit good with figures to know when to keep and when to discards tiles. Looking at the circles, shapes and all can be confusing. Cos they do not only have 4 suits like you see in poker cards. I admit, I'm not good with counting figures/probability. There are a total of 136 tiles... as oppose to the 54 in poker cards. I know a bit of cards cos I'm pretty good at Solitaire & Spider Solitaire and maybe a bit of Daidee (Big 2).
I though this bonding activity with my family seems not bad until relatives came over and we all noobs play together and that was when as aunt was asking my dad who plays the best amongst we sisters and dad ranked Ah Mian first then Ah Neng then I was the last. "阿恩最差的"
That triggered off the emo monster :(((((
I got up feeling extremely upset when I thought of Papa's words as well as seeing the photos Ah Neng posted, without filtering & considering my feelings what if her friends and our cousins saw those pics that were not meant to see the light. I have disabled my tagged pics such that only her friends and our common friends are the only ones who will see those pics if she decided not to take down :(((
It always makes me think I'm really not good with a lot of things. I am always the stupidest & biggest loser. It's not that I want to win, I'm not even a competitive person to begin with cos I KNOW I'm not good at most things in life. And the comparison is even made bigger since my sisters are so much smarter than me - able to solve rubic cube within a minute, able to memorize things within short time frame, able to calculate some difficult things etc. Above all, my 性格, 人缘 is ridiculously-atrocious.
Mr Z was away in JB (during every CNY) so I could only exchange Whatsapp text with him. Told him that yuan lai I look so nan kan & cui but he always bluff me say I am cute :((( and I really believe it. So whenever my sisters say I look exceptionally gross, they are right. Just that I never chose to accept it. :(((
-
Z : U too negative la. Pics posted not like u lost anything. What's so hard to embrace yourself, including your weakness & flaws. No one is gonna love u if u don't love yourself first. When you love yourself you can be confident and try to make what you have count or more standout, no?
Me : Cos I am really so lousy & nothing I do is correct. Cos I never think I'm ever good!
Z : Precisely, that has always been your weakness. Low self-esteem. Easy to give up when you feel lousy. U barely know abt mj then u say u suck. Diff ppl absorb differently.
Me : I always doubt myself and I always need to seek assurance. Den whenever I don't get it, I feel like dying.
Z : Some have better instincts, better rate of absorbing skills or knowledge. U will never be happy if u only know how to sulk. Instead of realising yuan lai your understanding power not do good, then u need to put in more effort than other ppl what!
Me : I thought I am happy in my own world with my own standard but truth is not like that. You know I'm not competitive and die die NEED to win. When I find things interesting, I will step out and learn more abt it but that doesn't mean once I learn I MUST/WILL be good at it. But I don't like it when ppl say I'm stupid or slow. Even if I really am, is it a sin?
Z : It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn. You don't like ppl to say u stupid or slow but have u wonder how to come to terms yet with your level of understanding power? U shld also know when we watch movies together, sometimes u also don't get the plot what. U are slower in some sense.
Me : :'(
Z : but doesn't mean u cannot work harder than other. If only u can see that.
Me : Ppl catch & able to predict things faster & better than me, I must work harder to understand it faster & better than them?
Z : In a way, yes, if u want to catch up with them. or u can come to terms with it and don't need to care. Knowing u, u can just don't care lor!
Me : My brain is wired up differently so I also dunno how to make it work faster willingly. I also wish to dun care what ppl say but sometimes it gets stuck in my head n their words & actions keeps replaying in my head even though sometimes they may not mean it and that's making me hard to get along with ppl cos I know I will get suck into this kinda situation. I cannot stop myself from feeling negative thinking ppl's impression of how lousy I am if I'm unable to perform up to their standard/expectation. But yet I can't seem to be able to push myself to work harder either. Then end result it becomes I can't do anything well/right. So I'm always getting upset with my family & my friends and I always feel that I'm better off alone.
Z : Ya u already know what makes u upset. Then u have the 2 options like I told u. Work hard & wipe the weak side of yourself away or heck care and just live your life that way it is.
Me : I'm always choosing the latter. Trying to heck care and live my life but sometimes I can't do that. I don't want to be said things like 忘恩负义 or 过河拆桥.
Z : U very jialat in a way u dunno how to choose what's best for yourself. You also don't have a strong resolve to change things. U are contradicting yourself la. Don't want to care means simply don't care, so why care? If not, then u need to have a stronger mind & stomach to cushion the blow ppl are going to give u.
Me : If I work hard but end up disappointing ppl or myself again, I'd rather not. Whenever I try to do things right, I know my way is always different from other ppl, but ppl will doubt me like wah what happen to u, how come sudden spur of moment, since when u so hardworking one? or Eh i tot u last time whatever whatever one... how come now whatever whatever and all sort of stupid remarks.
Z : Who cares abt what other ppl think. I only care abt end results. Just do according to what your heart desire can liao, why u always think so much?
Me : :((((((((
Z : Sigh u like that confirm very difficult to survive in the outside world. U weak in both the mind and the body. Haiz
Me : Sorry, I am ruining yr mood & yr day again :(
Z : The only gd thing is got a loving papa who dotes on u lol and a handsome bf :D Yr life is blessed even though u are no brain sha sha de. 傻人有傻福 not in a bad way. at least u got things u are proud to have in life and got ppl who really cared. U just need to stop all ur negativity thinking la. U dunno what's impt.
Me : I always feel my parents & sisters are bo bian are we're related by blood and I'm unable to do anything to make them proud & I feel it's bo bian they have to stick around in my life even though they hate it. And I always bring their standard down. My mom always doesn't recognise me as 我是她生的.
Z : U already have what other don't have, u dun need to have the THEIR SET of caliber to make them proud. Well, u are the most problematic one yes but know your parents know u got a bf who wants u, they very ease of mind liao. I already help u live up to some of their expectations liao.
Me : They nv thought it's possible I'l have a bf, let alone someone who has been with me for that long :(((((
Z : U don't need to do anything but just go learn how to do hse chores & be a good wife & mom la. And don't do anything that will make u lose me -.-
Me : Orh nod nod. Sorry Dearie, I can never say this enough to u. Sorry for giving u such a hard time cos I am so problematic :((((
Z : Ya I know. U are super effing glad to have met me and I can be yr strongest support :)
Me : Thank you Dearie. That's why I depend a lot on u also...
Z : Yes! So don't be so negative anymore ok. I'm very strong, I have a big heart & a strong mind mentally so I'm sent to u to help u oki ^^
Me : I also dunno why I'm so weak. Some words shouldn't be taken seriously but I will still mind.
Z : Cos yr heart weak ma. Must force yourself to take criticism. Ppl say what then let them say la.
Me : Sometimes I wonder how ppl are able to take hurtful remarks thrown at them. Some words are so nasty why can ppl be so mean and still able to say it out?
Z : Yr heart must be a shield for yourself. Ppl say what u can choose to take in selectively. Good one u can listen. Mouths are theirs, that u cannot control.
Me : Think cultivating heck care attitude probably works better for me than trying to work so extremely hard to please everyone. Sigh hopefully I can make my heart stronger oki...
Z : Work hard not for other ppl but yourself. Work hard, in anything, is to make yourself stronger ok!
Me : OK ^^ :)
-
Thank you for always making me :( to :)
I'm not really a fan of CNY cos I haven't been getting CNY clothes/shoes for a long time. I usually just wear clothes that my relatives have not seen it before.
Although I have wanted not to overeat but... hmm... during festive season like such, I guess you follow what everybody's doing. I can only wait until the season is over to go back to regular lifestyle. I didn't get to run the whole of last week and this week cos of rain! I am dying to run everyday if I could (and if I'm not tired - from work).
The only different thing this year was that - I picked up mahjong from my dad. I was never good at games (be it card/board games or those orientation type you do) but since my sisters were so enthu, so we attending the mj workshop/seminar/tutorial conducted by my Papa. Sad to say I really CMI and I don't think I can ever play with real money since I always kept losing :(
It's the second day of CNY but I was already feeling emo looking at those gross pics taken on first day yesterday. I guess it was a wrong choice of dress/outfit. I looked horrendous. Even though I may have nice skin but I have already figured it's not good to expose any flesh cos I am a hippo. Makes me regret ever wearing this dress like that in public before. It must have been eyesore to ppl and I still happily think I look not bad in it. Good grief... and my sisters posted all of those majorly gross puking pics.
Mj is interesting to learn abt cos of the various combi one could get. As much as it takes luck to get good tiles but have to be a bit good with figures to know when to keep and when to discards tiles. Looking at the circles, shapes and all can be confusing. Cos they do not only have 4 suits like you see in poker cards. I admit, I'm not good with counting figures/probability. There are a total of 136 tiles... as oppose to the 54 in poker cards. I know a bit of cards cos I'm pretty good at Solitaire & Spider Solitaire and maybe a bit of Daidee (Big 2).
I though this bonding activity with my family seems not bad until relatives came over and we all noobs play together and that was when as aunt was asking my dad who plays the best amongst we sisters and dad ranked Ah Mian first then Ah Neng then I was the last. "阿恩最差的"
That triggered off the emo monster :(((((
I got up feeling extremely upset when I thought of Papa's words as well as seeing the photos Ah Neng posted, without filtering & considering my feelings what if her friends and our cousins saw those pics that were not meant to see the light. I have disabled my tagged pics such that only her friends and our common friends are the only ones who will see those pics if she decided not to take down :(((
It always makes me think I'm really not good with a lot of things. I am always the stupidest & biggest loser. It's not that I want to win, I'm not even a competitive person to begin with cos I KNOW I'm not good at most things in life. And the comparison is even made bigger since my sisters are so much smarter than me - able to solve rubic cube within a minute, able to memorize things within short time frame, able to calculate some difficult things etc. Above all, my 性格, 人缘 is ridiculously-atrocious.
Mr Z was away in JB (during every CNY) so I could only exchange Whatsapp text with him. Told him that yuan lai I look so nan kan & cui but he always bluff me say I am cute :((( and I really believe it. So whenever my sisters say I look exceptionally gross, they are right. Just that I never chose to accept it. :(((
-
Z : U too negative la. Pics posted not like u lost anything. What's so hard to embrace yourself, including your weakness & flaws. No one is gonna love u if u don't love yourself first. When you love yourself you can be confident and try to make what you have count or more standout, no?
Me : Cos I am really so lousy & nothing I do is correct. Cos I never think I'm ever good!
Z : Precisely, that has always been your weakness. Low self-esteem. Easy to give up when you feel lousy. U barely know abt mj then u say u suck. Diff ppl absorb differently.
Me : I always doubt myself and I always need to seek assurance. Den whenever I don't get it, I feel like dying.
Z : Some have better instincts, better rate of absorbing skills or knowledge. U will never be happy if u only know how to sulk. Instead of realising yuan lai your understanding power not do good, then u need to put in more effort than other ppl what!
Me : I thought I am happy in my own world with my own standard but truth is not like that. You know I'm not competitive and die die NEED to win. When I find things interesting, I will step out and learn more abt it but that doesn't mean once I learn I MUST/WILL be good at it. But I don't like it when ppl say I'm stupid or slow. Even if I really am, is it a sin?
Z : It's ok to make mistakes as long as you learn. You don't like ppl to say u stupid or slow but have u wonder how to come to terms yet with your level of understanding power? U shld also know when we watch movies together, sometimes u also don't get the plot what. U are slower in some sense.
Me : :'(
Z : but doesn't mean u cannot work harder than other. If only u can see that.
Me : Ppl catch & able to predict things faster & better than me, I must work harder to understand it faster & better than them?
Z : In a way, yes, if u want to catch up with them. or u can come to terms with it and don't need to care. Knowing u, u can just don't care lor!
Me : My brain is wired up differently so I also dunno how to make it work faster willingly. I also wish to dun care what ppl say but sometimes it gets stuck in my head n their words & actions keeps replaying in my head even though sometimes they may not mean it and that's making me hard to get along with ppl cos I know I will get suck into this kinda situation. I cannot stop myself from feeling negative thinking ppl's impression of how lousy I am if I'm unable to perform up to their standard/expectation. But yet I can't seem to be able to push myself to work harder either. Then end result it becomes I can't do anything well/right. So I'm always getting upset with my family & my friends and I always feel that I'm better off alone.
Z : Ya u already know what makes u upset. Then u have the 2 options like I told u. Work hard & wipe the weak side of yourself away or heck care and just live your life that way it is.
Me : I'm always choosing the latter. Trying to heck care and live my life but sometimes I can't do that. I don't want to be said things like 忘恩负义 or 过河拆桥.
Z : U very jialat in a way u dunno how to choose what's best for yourself. You also don't have a strong resolve to change things. U are contradicting yourself la. Don't want to care means simply don't care, so why care? If not, then u need to have a stronger mind & stomach to cushion the blow ppl are going to give u.
Me : If I work hard but end up disappointing ppl or myself again, I'd rather not. Whenever I try to do things right, I know my way is always different from other ppl, but ppl will doubt me like wah what happen to u, how come sudden spur of moment, since when u so hardworking one? or Eh i tot u last time whatever whatever one... how come now whatever whatever and all sort of stupid remarks.
Z : Who cares abt what other ppl think. I only care abt end results. Just do according to what your heart desire can liao, why u always think so much?
Me : :((((((((
Z : Sigh u like that confirm very difficult to survive in the outside world. U weak in both the mind and the body. Haiz
Me : Sorry, I am ruining yr mood & yr day again :(
Z : The only gd thing is got a loving papa who dotes on u lol and a handsome bf :D Yr life is blessed even though u are no brain sha sha de. 傻人有傻福 not in a bad way. at least u got things u are proud to have in life and got ppl who really cared. U just need to stop all ur negativity thinking la. U dunno what's impt.
Me : I always feel my parents & sisters are bo bian are we're related by blood and I'm unable to do anything to make them proud & I feel it's bo bian they have to stick around in my life even though they hate it. And I always bring their standard down. My mom always doesn't recognise me as 我是她生的.
Z : U already have what other don't have, u dun need to have the THEIR SET of caliber to make them proud. Well, u are the most problematic one yes but know your parents know u got a bf who wants u, they very ease of mind liao. I already help u live up to some of their expectations liao.
Me : They nv thought it's possible I'l have a bf, let alone someone who has been with me for that long :(((((
Z : U don't need to do anything but just go learn how to do hse chores & be a good wife & mom la. And don't do anything that will make u lose me -.-
Me : Orh nod nod. Sorry Dearie, I can never say this enough to u. Sorry for giving u such a hard time cos I am so problematic :((((
Z : Ya I know. U are super effing glad to have met me and I can be yr strongest support :)
Me : Thank you Dearie. That's why I depend a lot on u also...
Z : Yes! So don't be so negative anymore ok. I'm very strong, I have a big heart & a strong mind mentally so I'm sent to u to help u oki ^^
Me : I also dunno why I'm so weak. Some words shouldn't be taken seriously but I will still mind.
Z : Cos yr heart weak ma. Must force yourself to take criticism. Ppl say what then let them say la.
Me : Sometimes I wonder how ppl are able to take hurtful remarks thrown at them. Some words are so nasty why can ppl be so mean and still able to say it out?
Z : Yr heart must be a shield for yourself. Ppl say what u can choose to take in selectively. Good one u can listen. Mouths are theirs, that u cannot control.
Me : Think cultivating heck care attitude probably works better for me than trying to work so extremely hard to please everyone. Sigh hopefully I can make my heart stronger oki...
Z : Work hard not for other ppl but yourself. Work hard, in anything, is to make yourself stronger ok!
Me : OK ^^ :)
-
Thank you for always making me :( to :)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
新的一年，新计划！
It has been a month since I had commenced on my current job. I have been really happy & satisfied with it, no major complains whatsoever cos after all, it has been the most organised and most 'right' job I'd ever been in. This is considered 'heaven' for me actually... nice boss, nice colleagues, get to leave on the dot, I still get to do design work. Although there are other sai kangs, but are all quite do-able ones so it's not an issue really.
I know, I should be updating posts more regularly now that I have more time for myself but well, I'd been accepting freelance projects, working with Rajat & another ex-RDI mate currently on 2 separate projects on weekday nights. I have also been running regularly, yay! But perhaps due to the rain these days, I'm able to take some time off to focus on these projects at the moment.
Weekends are, of course, spent with Xiang. More often than not, we'd be catching movies and jogging together as well if weather permits. We would, of course, be discussing some SERIOUS LIFE issues these days as well. I am enjoying all these simple lifestyles: day job, freelance job, Korean dramas, weekend hanging out, regular jogging. It's ok that it isn't 'happening', I'm not looking forward to go town and squeeze with the rest of the population when even the neighbourhoods are crowded enough.
Xiang & I caught New Year's Eve a couple of weeks ago and there was a line which Hilary Swank said in the movie, "New Year is about forgiving and have second chances." It strike a chord in me and that's definitely right.
Everyone is or needs to be constantly figuring out what you want. You may not have a clear idea yet but it will come as soon as you start or event attempt to take the first step forward. But first you need to let go of the past, only then you can identify the lesson/issue, accept your current situation and then focus on the things you can change. Be very specific and lose the negative forces in order to concentrate on DOING instead of NOT DOING. And the last vital ingredient : maintain it & keep the momentum alive.
Maybe you may not notice, but by following the steps mentioned in the above paragraph, you have learnt to take care of your body. Well, in the act of practising & committing to your goals, you learn to develop strategy of coping.
LIVE PASSIONATELY NOW!!! I MEAN NOW!!!
At the end of every year, I have all sorts of resolutions that I never really keep/achieve. I guess the main reason is I get disappointed easily not seeing the desired results and I give up too easily. Hence I always withdraw from everything/everyone cos I have been living a sad life for too long, worrying what others think of me. Always inferior with the social comparison and being pessimistic & depressed all the fucking time and making myself miserable and always go aiya, forget it la, cannot one, how can?
Nobody would want to fail and I understand life gets stressful with perfectionists around criticizing your each & every move. How to be the best? What else? You know the answer too! What's stopping you? What's so hard to Be Positive! Haha ok, it is actually quite hard but you can PRETEND you are the best or pretend everyday is going to be a great day. What's so hard to believe what you can make yourself feel? I guess if you put yourself in fear of uncertainty long enough, you will be fearless somehow too lol :X I mean, what's the worst that could happen so long you are alive?
So now, my REAL resolutions - to be completed within 2012.
1. Get married.
Took a really long time to stablise but I'm I was given a second chance to work things out and I'm extremely glad we are able to proceed onto the next level after 5.5 years. 选择长久在一起，就要同心克服种种难关. Was told by Xiang he will only present ring first quart of 2012. We intend for our parents to meet formally for the first time after CNY. If it works well, should be able to proceed to ROM within the next couple of months after the formal meeting.
2. Stay at my current job.
I have never stayed more than a year in any job. I would have to try to stay past a year in this job! 1.5mths down! 10.5mths to go! :D
3. Lose weight/Drop a size.
A daily struggle for me since years ago actually. It doesn't help with my previous xiong job that require almost daily OT or the China job where my boss would always like to eat & eat good food - all accumulated inside me since then. Age of cos doesn't help too. Metabolism decrease... =\
I have been hovering at 68-69 for the longest time. Find it damn hard to even be 67. In the past I'd wish I can be 60 or even just 62 would be good. But that's my poly weight back in 10 years ago... too hard. I shall realistically set my goal to be 65 la, a figure I haven't seen since 2007-2008? I'm a UK12/14, it'll be good if I could drop to 10/12 also by end of 2012 :)
4. Blog regularly.
Something I wished I'd done at every free moment I can squeeze out with. I AM GOING TO DO IT! Cos this is one of the thing I enjoy doing and it makes me happy while doing it. Ok la, I'm 孤僻 so typing to a blog, I feel like I have a 对象 to 谈心说话 with.
5. Helping & Sharing
As a 孤僻 person, I have become a self-centred, selfish person. The last thing I want to do is to face sian ppl, having to help them do things. But, seriously you gotta face 'sian ppl' everyday, you know seeing them you will also confirm feel sian so why ruin your mood? I'd just take it as a challenge for myself 'to develop strategy for coping' lor. Practice acts of kindness and hope ppl won't take you for granted. But even if ppl did, learn to forgive lor. Sharing & caring and that itself is a selfless act :) 做好/善事，怎么会有人会骂你怪你呢？
6. Treat my Family nicer
I guess it started with my grumpy/grouchy personality, therefore I hardly interacted with my family but I'd say lately things did improve with my currently stability of my relationship & my job. These seems to be 2 main things which my family judge/based upon my 'performance'. My 'performance' hasn't been good for the longest time until recently. 感谢上天恩赐 really.
It's quite shallow to say cos I finally have the 经济能力 to buy them things/gifts/clothes and bring them out to eat, but they did react/treat me better too. But then again, they have waited long enough until I have money to do all these for them. 万事真是起头难. So I hope to keep it going. I used to wish to 光宗耀祖 but I realised so long they see I have a stable job with stable income, someone to love & someone to love me, I guess that counts as 光宗耀祖 too. :)
7. Experience Autumn
I had wanted to see Sakura this year (doesn't matter location) but I'm not sure whether that's possible to plan. However, what's certain is a confirmed Korea trip in Sept or Oct. Zach has a friend whose relatives live in Seoul. His friend travels to Seoul on a yearly basis so he jio use to go! I AM ABLE TO VISIT KOREA AGAIN!!! Free & easy this time just within Seoul! That's good enough! I wanna visit Namsam Tower this time and visit Everland or Lotter World AGAIN!!! I wanna get many many Faceshop, Nature Republic stuff!!!
8. Learn to Cook better
A lot of things are quite idiot proof, like fried egg, rice, broccoli + cauliflower + carrot, ABC soup etc. I hope to be able to 下厨 more and be able to cook a decent meal for my family, for Ah Xiang and for his family. This may very well be a test to my family to, again, judge if I can really 自己住在外面 outside, also for Xiang's family to also judge if I am good enough =\
9. Follow my Heart.
我太在意旁人的眼光，太在意别人怎么看我. It's really too tiring to please every single one. Everyone should just forget about impressing others.
BE AUTHENTIC AND BE YOURSELF! So what if I am weird or abnormal to some/most ppl? I like what I have, I like what I'm doing, I am happy with what I believe in, who are you to tell me wrong? Everybody live by their own standard, as long as I improve myself each time or anytime I do something, why should I even need to explain myself as if I'm doing something wrong?
I am embracing all imperfections of myself and of others. I don't expect others to do the same to/of me but I will try to accept things when they are less than perfect. Why? Just so I could savour the joy of simple pleasures - to feel self-sufficient :) Because that's what following your heart is all about.
10. Improve Creatively.
It's high time I should be passionate about what I like to do :) Instead of producing substandard quality work. I really want to achieve the wow-factor in my work! I must compete with myself to be the best!
11. Live Passionately.
Starts from this very moment :)
-
BRING IT ON, 2012!
I know, I should be updating posts more regularly now that I have more time for myself but well, I'd been accepting freelance projects, working with Rajat & another ex-RDI mate currently on 2 separate projects on weekday nights. I have also been running regularly, yay! But perhaps due to the rain these days, I'm able to take some time off to focus on these projects at the moment.
Weekends are, of course, spent with Xiang. More often than not, we'd be catching movies and jogging together as well if weather permits. We would, of course, be discussing some SERIOUS LIFE issues these days as well. I am enjoying all these simple lifestyles: day job, freelance job, Korean dramas, weekend hanging out, regular jogging. It's ok that it isn't 'happening', I'm not looking forward to go town and squeeze with the rest of the population when even the neighbourhoods are crowded enough.
Xiang & I caught New Year's Eve a couple of weeks ago and there was a line which Hilary Swank said in the movie, "New Year is about forgiving and have second chances." It strike a chord in me and that's definitely right.
Everyone is or needs to be constantly figuring out what you want. You may not have a clear idea yet but it will come as soon as you start or event attempt to take the first step forward. But first you need to let go of the past, only then you can identify the lesson/issue, accept your current situation and then focus on the things you can change. Be very specific and lose the negative forces in order to concentrate on DOING instead of NOT DOING. And the last vital ingredient : maintain it & keep the momentum alive.
Maybe you may not notice, but by following the steps mentioned in the above paragraph, you have learnt to take care of your body. Well, in the act of practising & committing to your goals, you learn to develop strategy of coping.
LIVE PASSIONATELY NOW!!! I MEAN NOW!!!
At the end of every year, I have all sorts of resolutions that I never really keep/achieve. I guess the main reason is I get disappointed easily not seeing the desired results and I give up too easily. Hence I always withdraw from everything/everyone cos I have been living a sad life for too long, worrying what others think of me. Always inferior with the social comparison and being pessimistic & depressed all the fucking time and making myself miserable and always go aiya, forget it la, cannot one, how can?
Nobody would want to fail and I understand life gets stressful with perfectionists around criticizing your each & every move. How to be the best? What else? You know the answer too! What's stopping you? What's so hard to Be Positive! Haha ok, it is actually quite hard but you can PRETEND you are the best or pretend everyday is going to be a great day. What's so hard to believe what you can make yourself feel? I guess if you put yourself in fear of uncertainty long enough, you will be fearless somehow too lol :X I mean, what's the worst that could happen so long you are alive?
So now, my REAL resolutions - to be completed within 2012.
1. Get married.
Took a really long time to stablise but I'm I was given a second chance to work things out and I'm extremely glad we are able to proceed onto the next level after 5.5 years. 选择长久在一起，就要同心克服种种难关. Was told by Xiang he will only present ring first quart of 2012. We intend for our parents to meet formally for the first time after CNY. If it works well, should be able to proceed to ROM within the next couple of months after the formal meeting.
2. Stay at my current job.
I have never stayed more than a year in any job. I would have to try to stay past a year in this job! 1.5mths down! 10.5mths to go! :D
3. Lose weight/Drop a size.
A daily struggle for me since years ago actually. It doesn't help with my previous xiong job that require almost daily OT or the China job where my boss would always like to eat & eat good food - all accumulated inside me since then. Age of cos doesn't help too. Metabolism decrease... =\
I have been hovering at 68-69 for the longest time. Find it damn hard to even be 67. In the past I'd wish I can be 60 or even just 62 would be good. But that's my poly weight back in 10 years ago... too hard. I shall realistically set my goal to be 65 la, a figure I haven't seen since 2007-2008? I'm a UK12/14, it'll be good if I could drop to 10/12 also by end of 2012 :)
4. Blog regularly.
Something I wished I'd done at every free moment I can squeeze out with. I AM GOING TO DO IT! Cos this is one of the thing I enjoy doing and it makes me happy while doing it. Ok la, I'm 孤僻 so typing to a blog, I feel like I have a 对象 to 谈心说话 with.
5. Helping & Sharing
As a 孤僻 person, I have become a self-centred, selfish person. The last thing I want to do is to face sian ppl, having to help them do things. But, seriously you gotta face 'sian ppl' everyday, you know seeing them you will also confirm feel sian so why ruin your mood? I'd just take it as a challenge for myself 'to develop strategy for coping' lor. Practice acts of kindness and hope ppl won't take you for granted. But even if ppl did, learn to forgive lor. Sharing & caring and that itself is a selfless act :) 做好/善事，怎么会有人会骂你怪你呢？
6. Treat my Family nicer
I guess it started with my grumpy/grouchy personality, therefore I hardly interacted with my family but I'd say lately things did improve with my currently stability of my relationship & my job. These seems to be 2 main things which my family judge/based upon my 'performance'. My 'performance' hasn't been good for the longest time until recently. 感谢上天恩赐 really.
It's quite shallow to say cos I finally have the 经济能力 to buy them things/gifts/clothes and bring them out to eat, but they did react/treat me better too. But then again, they have waited long enough until I have money to do all these for them. 万事真是起头难. So I hope to keep it going. I used to wish to 光宗耀祖 but I realised so long they see I have a stable job with stable income, someone to love & someone to love me, I guess that counts as 光宗耀祖 too. :)
7. Experience Autumn
I had wanted to see Sakura this year (doesn't matter location) but I'm not sure whether that's possible to plan. However, what's certain is a confirmed Korea trip in Sept or Oct. Zach has a friend whose relatives live in Seoul. His friend travels to Seoul on a yearly basis so he jio use to go! I AM ABLE TO VISIT KOREA AGAIN!!! Free & easy this time just within Seoul! That's good enough! I wanna visit Namsam Tower this time and visit Everland or Lotter World AGAIN!!! I wanna get many many Faceshop, Nature Republic stuff!!!
8. Learn to Cook better
A lot of things are quite idiot proof, like fried egg, rice, broccoli + cauliflower + carrot, ABC soup etc. I hope to be able to 下厨 more and be able to cook a decent meal for my family, for Ah Xiang and for his family. This may very well be a test to my family to, again, judge if I can really 自己住在外面 outside, also for Xiang's family to also judge if I am good enough =\
9. Follow my Heart.
我太在意旁人的眼光，太在意别人怎么看我. It's really too tiring to please every single one. Everyone should just forget about impressing others.
BE AUTHENTIC AND BE YOURSELF! So what if I am weird or abnormal to some/most ppl? I like what I have, I like what I'm doing, I am happy with what I believe in, who are you to tell me wrong? Everybody live by their own standard, as long as I improve myself each time or anytime I do something, why should I even need to explain myself as if I'm doing something wrong?
I am embracing all imperfections of myself and of others. I don't expect others to do the same to/of me but I will try to accept things when they are less than perfect. Why? Just so I could savour the joy of simple pleasures - to feel self-sufficient :) Because that's what following your heart is all about.
10. Improve Creatively.
It's high time I should be passionate about what I like to do :) Instead of producing substandard quality work. I really want to achieve the wow-factor in my work! I must compete with myself to be the best!
11. Live Passionately.
Starts from this very moment :)
-
BRING IT ON, 2012!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I Like My Life Now
Second week to my current job as a civil servant. It does sounds glamourous to be one but then again what I am really doing is mainly to provide artistic/creative support to what this non-profit organisation needs. To be honest, I am very glad I accepted this job as I had certain reserves about jumping this job previously. Even had LOOOONNGGG chats with Shan about this.
As it turned out, I am extremely delighted with this move/choice and it has been making me nothing but happy, contented & satisfied. I wasn't the grouchy monster I had been for the past 6 months and many things are looking brighter ahead for me and I'm thankful for this "rainbow after the darkest days". When something is right, you know you feel it's right. So hopefully this 'rightness' will continue for a much longer period of time. I'm not saying my previous jobs choices were wrong, I learnt a lot but I supposed there will always be pros & cons and it depends on how does one weigh or balance it.
Life here is relatively good, so far. But that's because it's towards end of the year and most projects are in its closing stage until the new academic semester in January. Generally, we're giving multimedia support within a school environment. So even if we're selling our service, we can only do it within the school compound to let lecturers, professors know how interactive media & mobile technology is able to aid in teaching methods and how to build better rapport with student using smart technology etc. My dept is more towards "educational research & development". Some lecturers still don't know what we do, so sometimes we'd have to advertise/promote our service within the school campus.
I'm still trying to get the whole 'innovative technology for education/learning" thing sorted out myself too as I'm very graphic/aesthetic based but now have to also associate with mobile/e-learning/virtual world, not to mention having to pick up programming too ><
My dept has about 20+ ppl but I don't get to meet/work with them a lot, at least haven't yet. Throughout my 2 weeks, I have been facing ppl from my team which consists of 4 ppl. All 4 of us have the title of MD - Multimedia Developer or Media Designer. But we have various focus. Essentially they wanted me to do what the previous designer was doing but I'm new ma, you guys worked with the previous person or several years and you know in your head what that person does, I totally have no clue ma. So what I'm doing now is just helping them with adhoc duties and by doing that I guess I could slowly figure out what's to be done.
And the reason why I have been happier:
The above points are already able to make me happy liao! Any other areas could be worked out definitely. Share more observations again next time!
Meanwhile, I'd been occupied with a little project recently. Shall reveal more when more research/work done.
As it turned out, I am extremely delighted with this move/choice and it has been making me nothing but happy, contented & satisfied. I wasn't the grouchy monster I had been for the past 6 months and many things are looking brighter ahead for me and I'm thankful for this "rainbow after the darkest days". When something is right, you know you feel it's right. So hopefully this 'rightness' will continue for a much longer period of time. I'm not saying my previous jobs choices were wrong, I learnt a lot but I supposed there will always be pros & cons and it depends on how does one weigh or balance it.
Life here is relatively good, so far. But that's because it's towards end of the year and most projects are in its closing stage until the new academic semester in January. Generally, we're giving multimedia support within a school environment. So even if we're selling our service, we can only do it within the school compound to let lecturers, professors know how interactive media & mobile technology is able to aid in teaching methods and how to build better rapport with student using smart technology etc. My dept is more towards "educational research & development". Some lecturers still don't know what we do, so sometimes we'd have to advertise/promote our service within the school campus.
I'm still trying to get the whole 'innovative technology for education/learning" thing sorted out myself too as I'm very graphic/aesthetic based but now have to also associate with mobile/e-learning/virtual world, not to mention having to pick up programming too ><
My dept has about 20+ ppl but I don't get to meet/work with them a lot, at least haven't yet. Throughout my 2 weeks, I have been facing ppl from my team which consists of 4 ppl. All 4 of us have the title of MD - Multimedia Developer or Media Designer. But we have various focus. Essentially they wanted me to do what the previous designer was doing but I'm new ma, you guys worked with the previous person or several years and you know in your head what that person does, I totally have no clue ma. So what I'm doing now is just helping them with adhoc duties and by doing that I guess I could slowly figure out what's to be done.
And the reason why I have been happier:
- CAN GO HOME ON TIME!!! NO NEED STAY BACK OT!!!!!!!!!!!
- CHEAP FOOD! LESS THAN $3 A MEAL!
- A LOT OF BENEFITS!
The above points are already able to make me happy liao! Any other areas could be worked out definitely. Share more observations again next time!
Meanwhile, I'd been occupied with a little project recently. Shall reveal more when more research/work done.
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