Following zilch satisfaction in May, it's still the same thing for now November.

It's... well... not bad but it's not good either.

It's just insignificant.

Warning: Extremely long wordy entry. Readers' discretion is advised.

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I feel I'm insignificant and I'm doing a lot of things which are mian qiang for me.

I know it's JUST a job, just something to get by during the day and have a steady, stable monthly income.

I know I keep repeating myself and that seems like I'm complaining. I'm not mad or frustrated but neither am I appreciated or value or feel useful here. I mean, I'm not being abused or mistreated.

To be fair, it's a nice environment, nice ppl, ok salary, ok location just that the job scope is unfulfilling. I don't get joy nor achievement nor satisfaction. I mean, those negative feelings/emotions I get aren't supposed to be good for the mental/emotional state, right?

我不是不开心但是我觉得 the time COULD HAVE been better spent doing other stuffs that are more significant for the kind of growth/development that I THOUGHT I am SEEKING for here. But I can't help feeling helpless/lousy for the unnecessary struggles I have to face on a daily basis. Therefore these struggles are mian qiang to me. If it helps, yes I will overcome it to go out of my way to get things done. But a lot of times, it doesn't help.

Recently, many times I think back to my previous job at the design agency. THAT is really what I want to do. I know my standard are still gaps away from other designers, and I wouldn't mind learning from the others. In my short 7-month, I have learnt & exposed to SO MUCH. Those experience are what I'd like to acquire. They are really experts, veterans that I can learn so much from.

BUT! The pay VS working hours really unable to justify for someone who's planning to get married soon. So it's causing me distress ALL THE SAME and I had to leave for a slightly higher paying current job.

Sigh. It's not easy to balance expectation. I went into this job knowing I probably wouldn't get much satisfaction. But still, if I'm going to spend 8hrs daily, wouldn't it be better to be doing something that I could utilise my skills/abilities/interest/strength in? I didn't get to use any of those ever since I got here and had to learn other new things which are deemed important to the boss & for the dept but not to me. What's infuriating was the boss himself mentioned things like data-entry, planning & coordinating, design layout are LOW LEVEL jobs.

I just feel my time here is.... relaxingly redundant. I'm not asking to lead a busy/xiong life you know? All I ask if to be able to do something fulfiling, meaningful & being able to earn a decent living. By that I mean at bare minimum of $2.5k/mth to which till now at almost 30 years old I haven't even met yet.

Yes, there are many successful blogshop owners who are mostly celebrity bloggers or ppl who are younger me earning so much more & doing so well in life. Maybe you can say 他们的回报是自己的努力打拼出来的. If I so gian, how come I'm not doing anything about it & dwelling my situation on a miserable blog?

Mr Z said, it's either I chiong all the way (like those who wanted to startup their own or those following their passion at whatever position they're doing in a job/company) and learn as much as possible, keep OT-ing or do something I don't hate, not so xiong and able to maintain healthy lifestyle.

Haiz. I'm doing the latter now.

So it's ok not to have contentment?
So it's ok that I'm doing things now at this place pays ok but doesn't add value to my life?
So it's ok that I continue in this position that do not require my qualification nor experience to do?

The more I stay, the more sian things I find out how the dept works and how everyone works and it's quite discouraging & demoralizing. That attributes to the distress I am constantly facing.

It's EXACTLY like hanging onto a relationship that doesn't really work out the way you intended, or perhaps expected. Isn't it so?

I mean, essentially it FEELS that SAME cos it has the same effects it does with your brain/heart when your needs/expectations aren't met. It's also the EXACT same heartfelt happiness or disappointment or confidence level you would experience when you get along with your lover/significant other.

Basically, your clients/boss are like having a partner who would think their thinking/way of doing things is the ONLY RIGHT way and expect you to accept & execute things THEIR way. Now, how would you feel? You won't get anything out of this right?

Players will bullshit and say nice/pretty things, just like how a Boss' pet will do so.
Players knows that their naive partners will love to hear nice things, JUST AS how boss would only want to hear your opinions that are in line with his.

Sometimes, because you felt the need to please the other party, you have to convince yourself to, well, lie. And how does it make you feel? Don't tell me it's not miserable for you. That's when the struggle comes in cos you would also want the rest of your days/path/journey/life to be easier, so would you rather say things against your will?

Everytime in front of the boss, I have to say things that gears towards his liking which is.just.s.i.a.n.......

A few times I didn't ask/question him about 'why' do we have to do this/that, he sees it as me trying to challenge him.

HELLO! I DUNNO THAT'S WHY I ASK U WHAT! I am not you, how I know what you're thinking? Keep playing this kinda guessing game.

My Team Lead who has been around longer advised me that if I want to live peacefully, then I gotta try not to be too 'defiant'. I'm not being difficult or posing whatever challenge leh, I just want to understand the reason why are we doing things a certain way. What my Team Lead was doing is exactly like how a partner's best friend is sharing with you what are some of the 'off limits' to talk about with your partner thing.

The similarities of a job & being in a BGR isn't too far off. You'd always want to impress your bf/gf just as you want your boss to say you do a good job. That's why they say the 'boss' of a relationship is usually the dominating one. But if you're happy with your 'job', you certainly wouldn't even mind to go the extra mile to improve for the better just to please.

I love Dearie so even though sometimes I may not be happy with his suay kuan but ultimately he still provide a lot of laughters & joy in our relationship and I truly enjoy being with him and doing things together. I may not be the best girlfriend but I know I make him happy and work hard to keep our attraction, affection, commitment going!

Likewise, even if your boss say you didn't do certain parts well, you will be super willing to go & change and strive to be better. You love your job, you like your field of scope and want to excel in it, you will be willing to put in effort and find ways to improve your work cos YOU ARE SO FUCKING PROUD OF YOUR WORK!!!! You may not be intentionally impressing your boss but you just give 100% to your work, why wouldn't he be impressed by your attitude? Thereafter he'd also appreciate & acknowledge.

Haiz. Ok, everyone got their own struggles & battles. That's why everyone should be on the quest to self-awareness, to EXPLORE and DISCOVER and DETERMINE what works for you. It's not easy.

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IT'S JUST UNFAIR LA! WAH LAU! TMD!

Being put through tough & undesirable situations to do something you're not good & not comfortable doing but required to step out of your comfort zone. Worst still, being ASSESSED & APPRAISED for being forced to do things that are totally not your forte.

I don't understand the system.

Why is it that EVERYONE must attempt do EVERYTHING? How come is it not getting the right ppl to do what they're good at so that things get done faster? If that job is something important, why do you still expect a newbie to take on it?

So everyone's expected to be able to do things well? What about those who can't & end up screwing up?

I was told that competency are secondary as long as there are ppl who can execute his plans/objectives? REALLY? Is that why ppl who aren't up to the job are still around?

I'd been through several work experience, this is by far the most mentally challenging one. No doubt most of the tasks do not seem difficult, it's just a matter of getting the hang of it. But I really am doing stuff that a lot of times do not make sense to me and I feel all the internal struggles everytime when things aren't clearly explained/justified. Working with different ppl who has different methods of working style or dealing things always has me vomit blood. It's mentally stressful to have to curb myself from either breaking down or breaking apart. If I didn't have wedding matters to distract myself or keep me going, I may have already died or something.

Actually, the deliverable of a job is so simple. U tell me what I want, I do for you. Done. Finished. BUT!!! THE PROCESS IS SO FUCKING SHITTY!!!! Have to go through like 30 ppl's approval & comments & make 50 changes. Yes it's ok, as a designer even if I'm required to make 100 changes, I'd still have to do it if there is a such a CB client existing on earth.

Now, I was randomly chosen to be part of a project my dept had 'rolled out' (I super fucking hate this word but yet it's always repeated over & over here in this office and it gets on my nerves!) and part of the project is to attend Google Certified Workshop and the objective is for these ppl to take certified exam to became a trainer of Google Apps.

SINCE WHEN DID I WANT/CHOOSE TO BECOME A TRAINER?????

I haven't never been in any organisation where I would need to speak in front of an audience on how to use softwares or what other shit. Why did I naively think I can become an art/design lecturer when I hate talking so much? I don't even enjoy sales job even though I like my telemarketing job at Synovate.

So I was chosen randomly without being asked if I want to. So ok I attended the course although I really hope the exam isn't compulsory but I vaguely remember we were 'being invested' and 'therefore it's only right to return the favour by passing the exam'.

Initially I thought being part of this project was to assist & support in design/technical issue but no, I am expected to conduct sharing sessions, workshops now. Whatever do that mean? How come govt sector got all these wu eh boh eh events one? Why can't I just do my support/production job? After almost 1 year, I really haven't got adjusted to this culture and has been struggling with it.

Why is it that they think it 'should be easy' would be something I will agree too? I am a person who has great difficulty expression my face and facing/handling ppl. Don't I know myself the best on what I can do or cannot do?

You want me conduct, yes you lack of manpower so you think ANYBODY can do it, I screwed up then you want to fault me? Haven't I already mentioned & declared to you that I don't think I'm up to it? Why do you still want to push me?

You really need to die die judge for yourself that I can or cannot do it is it? Even if I can do it, but I'm not comfortable doing it but I have to do it cos you all push/force me one what!

I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND!!! Why are depts here run by an academic/PhD? What do they know about running a business/organisation? How come someone without real corporate management can head/lead a dept? If their core objective it do research/write papers, lecture uni students then just do these. Why must kpo in a dept when it's not even your money and when you don't even care about the competency level of the staff? Is this some 'additional glamour' on paper again?

In the corporate world, there's no 'trying'.
Paying customers have no time to be your 'experiment'.
Trying = waste time, money & manpower.

If I can earn a $10k deal, why do I still need to TRY to get the deal? If you don't have the pool of talent or capabilities to do the job, don't even try! Which dumb client will want your services if they found out you (as boss) is only getting ppl in your dept who don't have the adequate skill sets to TRY only?

用别人的钱来完成自己的理想。途中却践踏许多人的努力。

You're not even using your own money lor! Our salaries doesn't even come out from your own pocket. Dare I say it's very despicable actually, to use this dept as a pillar to push your own dream. Sibei boliao to take so much initiative despite lacking manpower to execute... You get more recognised than other PhD, THEN??

It's like if you have a group project but maybe one of your teammate only aim to PASS can liao. If let's say your group has 4 members, by right each person must contribute 25/100. But for that one person, he just wants to get 13/25 can liao. He felt he already achieve what he aim to give liao, the rest of you have to settle the remaining percentage.

We designers probably suck in the educator environment so it's impossible to meet the boss' standard. He is delusional and kept thinking that if we're in this dept, we must also gear towards the educator's direction shit. He measure who can contribute most to the e-learning direction & can 否定其他他不认为是重要的人的努力.

He kept saying ppl (employees/colleagues/other academic staff) are resistance, we/they are just merely not interested in HIS OWN dream. Ppl will only be interested in your dream if you involve them such as they get more benefits, be it monetary or authority to do what they really want to do, like make the educational environment better with technology or whatever the case. 

The whole dept would be better lead by a REAL corporate officer/manager who can measure time/money/effort/plan as an advisor. This person can counter check on whether this dream/plan is executable. A dept cannot be run by someone who only talk/say/suggest then throw this idea/theory/concept when he himself never really went through development/production.

THIS IS VERY PEK CHEK!!!

And old-school organisation still like to exert authority and 压倒 everyone. The more I discuss this with my Team Lead the more discourage & demoralized I get.

Why oh why, does he insist on EVERYONE CAN LEARN TO DO SOMETHING! When you are doing operations such as organising an event, doesn't it make sense to find someone who's experienced THAN getting a newbie to be in-charge of it? Why does he think a newbie is able to provide FRESH IDEAS?

If you still got to rely on the guidance of the 'experienced person', might as well let that person do it instead of going through the process of teaching/coaching. If the event is so important, why would you want to risk letting a noob ruin it and screw it up?

He always say he's a leader and has the traits of a lead and the reason why he's pushing us is because one of the traits of a leader is High Expectation. So far what has he done that makes you impressed and will wah, I wanna become like him next time! I do not believe anyone in this dept actually want to look up to him and become like him. What EXACTLY is his skills other than talking talking talking talking... What else do ppl from upper level/management do to have high salary coming in other than talking? 

Leader is not ownself say one ok!
Leader is the person DOING. Ppl see you do and if they're convinced, they will automatically follow. 

Really is PUI CHAO NUAH lor!!! pui!

My Team Lead who was sent to attend leadership & influence courses say there are 4 stages of leadership. Level 1: Directoring, always giving ppl instructions, Level 2: Giving advices, Level 3: Coaching, Level 4: Your ppl would have already shared the same vision and will know what to do automatically. He said our boss is only at Level 1.

He direct simi?? He where got direct any shit?? What sai did he do?? All the said is we do what! All he always does is ask his 2 asst heads for opinions on how to get things done according to his ideals. Is it because educational sector is like that? Or govt sector? Isn't army like that also? Cos the govt ITSELF is like that......

IMPRESSIVE SIA!

It's not wrong to push, in fact, when it's for the good FOR THAT PERSON (if the person truly needs/deserves it) but usually the pusher would always push the pushee for their own selfish reasons. 

But hello, 人要自知, 要衡量自己的能力 & 凡事都要有商量。个面八方沟通都很重要. Not one-man show ok! We are more than just his kakia fulfilling his GODLIKE dreams, we are not palace maids or eunuch who doesn't have anything better to do.