A Chinese article from a Chinese mother-in-law who's son married an American wife. She talked about how her foreign daughter-in-law managed to discipline her 3-year-old grandson quite different from typical Chinese/Asian family.

I really think all Asian/Chinese family should learn something from how this American mother. I won't say she's 100% right but perhaps it's due to the fact of one-child policy that most Chinese(Asian) kids were raised a little Kings or Princess which may cripple their 'rate of survival' as they grow older. I don't think parents should be at the mercy of their child which is happening in most cases these days.

I have briefly translated the paragraphs. So read on & have some insights on parenting...


中國婆婆流淚自述, 小孫子 Toby 已經3歲了。
在美國待了三個月，洋媳婦 Susan 教育孩子的方法，令我這個中國婆婆大開眼界。

A Chinese grandmother talked about her grandson being 3 years old. Having lived in US for 3 months, the discipline actions taken by her American daughter-in-law really opened the eyes of this Chinese mother-in-law.

每天早上，Toby 醒來後，Susan 把早餐往餐桌上一放，就自顧自地忙去了。
Toby 會自己爬上凳子，喝牛奶，吃面包片。
吃飽後，他回自己的房間，在衣櫃裏找衣服、鞋子，再自己穿上。
畢竟Toby只有3歲，還搞不清楚襪子的正反面，分不清鞋子的左右腳。 
有一次 Toby 又把褲子穿反了，我趕緊上前想幫他換，卻被Susan制止了。
她說，如果他覺得不舒服，會自己脫下來，重新穿好；
如果他沒覺得有什麽不舒服，那就隨他的便。
那一整天，Toby反穿著褲子跑來跑去，Susan像沒看見一樣。

Every morning Susan would prepare breakfast while Toby would eat breakfast diligently on his own. After breakfast, he would return to his room to find an outfit to wear. After all, Toby was just 3 and was still probably confused about the front & back of his clothes or the left & right side of his socks.

Once, Toby wore his pants the wrong way, I stepped forward & wanted to help him change but was stopped by Susan. She said, "If he felt uncomfortable, he'd take it off and wear it properly himself. If he felt ok, just let him be." That day, Toby ran around in his pants the wrong way and Susan pretended she didn't see it.

又一次，Toby出去和鄰居家的小朋友玩，
沒多大會就氣喘籲籲地跑回家，對Susan說：
「媽媽，Lily說我的褲子穿反了，真的嗎？」Lily是鄰居家的小姑娘，今年5歲。
Susan笑著說：「是的，你要不要換回來？」
Toby，自己脫下褲子，仔細看了看，重新穿上了。
從那以後，Toby再也沒穿反過褲子。 
我不禁想起，我的外孫女五六歲時不會用筷子，上小學時不會系鞋帶。
如今在讀初中要寄宿的她，每個周末都要帶回家一大堆臟衣服呢。

Once, Toby went next door to play with the kids of the neighbours. After a while, he came back panting asking Susan, "Mom, Lilly said I wore my pants the wrong way. Really?" Lily is the nextdoor neighbour's daughter, 5 years old this year. Susan smiled and said, "Yes, sweetie. Do you want to change it?" Toby took of his pants and looked at it carefully before wearing it back. Since that incident, Toby never wore his pant the wrong way anymore.

I can't help but be reminded of my granddaughter who had no idea how to use a chopstick when she 5, no idea how to tie her shoelaces when she entered primary school. Even how at high school, she'd still bring her dirty clothes from her dorm every weekend.

RULE ONE:不吃就餓著 
一天中午，Toby鬧情緒，不肯吃飯。
Susan說了他幾句，憤怒的小Toby一把將盤子推到了地上，盤子裏的食物灑了一地。
Susan看著Toby，認真地說：「看來你確實不想吃飯！記住，從現在到明天早上，你什麽都不能吃。」
Toby點點頭，堅定地回答：「Yes!」
我在心裏暗笑，這母子倆，還都挺倔！ 
下午，Susan和我商量，晚上由我做中國菜。
我心領神會，Toby特別愛吃中國菜，
一定是Susan覺得Toby中午沒好好吃飯，想讓他晚上多吃點兒。 
那天晚上我施展廚藝，做了Toby最愛吃的糖醋裏脊、油悶大蝦，
還用意大利面做了中國式的涼面。
Toby最喜歡吃那種涼面，小小的人可以吃滿滿一大盤。
開始吃晚飯了，Toby歡天喜地地爬上凳子。
Susan卻走過來，拿走了他的盤子和刀叉，說：「我們已經約好了，今天你不能吃飯，你自己也答應了的。」
Toby看著面容嚴肅的媽媽，“哇”地一聲在哭起來，邊哭邊說：「媽媽，我餓，我要吃飯。」「不行，說過的話要算數。」Susan毫不心軟。 
我心疼了，想替Toby求情，說點好話，卻見兒子對我使眼色。
想起我剛到美國時，兒子就跟我說，
在美國，父母教育孩子時，別人千萬不要插手，即使是長輩也不例外。
無奈，我只好保持沈默。

Rule #1: Eat or be hungry

One noon, Toby was throwing tantrum and refused to eat. Susan reprimanded him and Toby flipped the plate of food on the floor. Susan said to him sternly, "Looks like you're really not eating. From now till tomorrow morning, you're not allowed to eat anything." Toby nodded and replied stubbornly, "Yes!" I was amused by this pair of stubborn mother & son.

During afternoon, Susan & I have decided that I would prepare Chinese dishes for dinner. I knew Toby love Chinese food and was thinking perhaps Toby didn't get to have lunch and wanted him to eat to his fill during dinner.

That evening, I made a lot of Toby's favourite dishes. It was almost dinner and Toby climbed up to his high chair happily. But Susan came over and took away his plate & utensils. She said, "We had an agreement. You're not allowed to eat today. You said it yourself." Toby cried and said, "Mommy, I'm hungry. I want to eat." Susan wasn't going to soften and said, "No, you have to keep your promise."

I wanted to say something for Toby but my son shot me a look which reminded me when I just arrived America. He said to me, "In American, don't interfere when parents are disciplining their children, that includes elders." Helpless, I could only hold my silence.

那頓飯，從始至終，可憐的小Toby一直坐在玩具車裏，
眼巴巴地看著我們三個大人狼吞虎咽。
我這才明白Susan讓我做中餐的真正用意。
我相信，下一次，Toby想發脾氣扔飯碗時，
一定會想起自己餓著肚子看爸爸媽媽和奶奶享用美食的經歷。
餓著肚子的滋味不好受，況且還是面對自己最喜愛的食物。 
臨睡前，我和Susan一起去向Toby道晚安。
Toby小心翼翼地問：「媽媽，我很餓，現在我能吃中國面嗎？」
Susan微笑著搖搖頭，堅決地說：「不！」
Toby嘆了口氣，又問：「那等我睡完覺睜開眼睛時，可以吃嗎？」
「當然可以。」Susan溫柔地回答。
Toby甜甜地笑了。 
大部分情況下，Toby吃飯都很積極，
他不想因為“罷吃”而錯過食物，再受餓肚子的苦。
每當看到Toby埋頭大口大口地吃飯，嘴上臉上粘的都是食物時，我就想起外孫女。
她像Toby這麽大時，為了哄她吃飯，幾個大人端著飯碗跟在她屁股後面跑，
她還不買賬，還要談條件：吃完這碗買一個玩具，再吃一碗買一個玩具……

During that meal, Toby only played with his toys while watching the 3 adults indulging in their food. I began to understand why Susan wanted me to prepare dinner. I believe the next time when Toby throws a tantrum, he would be reminded of the hungry experience and having to watch his parents feasting. The feeling of going hungry & unable to eat your favourite food is miserable.

Before bedtime, Susan & I went over to say goodnight to Toby. Toby asked his mom softly, "Mom, I'm really hungry. Can I eat now?" Susan smiled but still shook her head firmly, "No." Toby sighed and asked again, "Then after I get up from bed again, can I eat?" Susan smiled gently, "Of course." Toby smiled again.

Since then, Toby takes pride in finishing up his food. He won't miss out delicacies and make himself go hungry again because of 'protest' for whatever reasons. Everytime when I see Toby eating his heart out, I would be reminded of my granddaughter again. When she's Toby's age, so many of us were hoaxing her to eat, she would even exchange terms & conditions with us! Wanting this toy after one bowl, wanting that toy after another bowl....

RULE TWO、以其人之道，還治其人之身 
有一天，我們帶Toby去公園玩。
很快，Toby就和兩個女孩兒玩起了廚房遊戲。
塑膠小鍋、小鏟子、小盤子、小碗擺了一地。
忽然，淘氣的Toby拿起小鍋，使勁在一個女孩兒頭上敲了一下，
女孩兒楞了一下，放聲大哭。
另一個女孩兒年紀更小一些，見此情形，也被嚇得大哭起來。
大概Toby沒想到會有這麽嚴重的後果，站在一旁，楞住了。 
Susan走上前，問清了事情的來龍去脈後，
她一聲不吭，拿起小鍋，使勁敲到Toby的頭上，
Toby沒防備，一下子跌坐在草地上，哇哇大哭起來。
Susan問Toby：「疼嗎？下次還這樣嗎？”
Toby一邊哭，一邊拼命搖頭。
我相信他以後再也不會這麽做了。

Rule #2: An eye for an eye (Not sure if this is the best idiom translation)

One day, we bought Toby to the playground. Very soon, he was playing 'kitchen games' with 2 little girls. Plastic utensils like wok, pots, pans, plates & bowls were scattered all over. All of a sudden, Toby grabbed the pan and swerved at one of the girl's head. The girl was shocked and started crying. The other younger girl also followed suit and cried. Toby probably didn't expect the outcome and was stunned.

Susan went forward and asked the kids what happened. Then she grabbed the pan and knock it on Toby's head. The boy fell onto the grass and cried. Susan asked, "Does it hurt? Are you going to do this again?" Toby shook his head as he cried. I believe he won't ever do such a thing again.

RULE THREE、建立社交能力 
Toby的舅舅送了他一輛淺藍色的小自行車，
Toby非常喜歡，當成寶貝，不許別人碰。臨居小姑娘Lily是Toby的好朋友，
央求Toby好幾次，要騎他的小車，Toby都沒答應。 
一次，幾個孩子一起玩時，Lily趁Toby不註意，
偷偷騎上小車，揚長而去。
Toby發現後，氣憤地跑來向Susan告狀。
Susan正和幾個孩子的母親一起聊天喝咖啡，便微笑著說：
「你們的事情自己解決，媽媽可管不了。」
Toby無奈地走了。 
過了一小會兒，Lily騎著小車回來了。
Toby看到Lily，一把將她推倒在地，搶過了小車。
Lily坐在地上大哭起來。Susan抱起Lily，安撫了她一會兒。
很快，Lily就和別的小朋友興高采烈地玩了起來。
Toby自己騎了會兒車，覺得有些無聊，
看到那幾個孩子玩得那麽高興，他想加入，又覺得有些不好意思。
他蹭到Susan身邊，嘟囔道：「媽媽，我想跟Lily他們一起玩。」
Susan不動聲色地說：「那你自己去找他們啦！」
「媽媽，你陪我一起去。」Toby懇求道。
「那可不行，剛才是你把Lily弄哭的，現在你又想和大家玩，就得自己去解決問題。」 
Toby騎著小車慢慢靠近Lily，快到她身邊時，又掉頭回來。
來回好幾次，不知道從什麽時候開始，Toby和Lily又笑逐顏開，鬧成了一團。

Rule #3: Promote social interactivity

Toby's uncle gave him a little light blue bicycle. He loved it a lot and forbid anyone to touch it. Next door kid Lily & Toby are good friend and she pleaded with him to let her ride on his bike but he refused.

One time when the kids were all playing, Lily took the opportunity to ride on Toby's bike when he was distracted. When Toby discovered, he reported to his mother angrily. Susan was chatting with the mothers of the other kids and said cheerily, "You'll have to settle it yourself. Mummy's not going to be involved." Toby walked away helplessly.

After a while, Lily rode the bike back. When Toby saw her, he pushed her to the ground and grabbed the bike back. Lily cried and Susan carried & comforted her. Very soon, Lily was fine and played with the kids happily again.

Toby later got bored cycling on his bike on his own. He wanted to join the happy kids but felt embarrassed. He ran toward his mother and asked, "Mom, I wanna play with Lily and the other kids." Susan said as a matter of factly, "Then go over and join them." Toby pleaded, "Can you go with me, mom?" Susan replied, "I'm not going to do that. You were the one who made Lily cry and now you want to play with them? Then you gotta go settle it yourself."

Toby rode on his little bike toward Lily. When he was about to reach, he turned back again. Just to & fro like that and not sure when, the both of them were smiling & playing with each other again.

RULE FOUR、管教孩子是父母的事 
Susan 的父母住在加利福尼亞州，聽說我來了，兩人開車來探望我們。
家裏來了客人，Toby 很興奮，跑上跑下地亂竄。
他把玩沙子用的小桶裝滿了水，提著小桶在屋裏四處轉悠。
Susan 警告了她好幾次，不要把水灑到地板上，Toby 置若罔聞。 
最後，Toby 還是把水桶弄倒了，水灑了一地。
興奮的小 Toby 不覺得自己做錯了事，
還得意地光著腳丫踩水玩，把褲子全弄濕了。
我連忙找出拖把準備拖地。
Susan 從我手中搶過拖把交給Toby，
對他說：「把地拖幹，把濕衣服脫下來，自己洗幹凈。」
Toby 不願意，又哭又鬧。
Susan 二話不說，直接把他拉到貯藏室，關了禁閉。 
聽到Toby在裏面發出驚天動地的哭喊，
我心疼壞了，想進去把他抱出來。
Toby的外婆卻攔住我，說：「這是Susan 的事。」 
過了一會兒，Toby不哭了，他在貯藏裏大大聲喊：「媽媽，我錯了。」
Susan 站在門外，問：「那你知道該怎麽做了嗎？」
「我知道。」
Susan 打開門，Toby 從貯藏室走出來，臉上還掛著兩行淚珠。
他拿起有他兩個高的拖把吃力地把地上的水拖幹凈。
然後，他脫下褲子，拎在手上，光著屁股走進洗手間，稀裏嘩啦地洗起衣服來。

Rule #4: Disciplining Children is the Job of Parents

Susan's parents were visiting from California and Toby was excited by so many visitors by running here & there. Toby filled his small pail with water and was walking around the house with the pail of water. Susan warned Toby a few times not to spill the water but Toby didn't pay attention.

Finally, Toby eventually spilled the water and made a mess. But he didn't realise he created a mess and was still playing with the water and his clothes were all wet. I quickly brought the mop out but Susan took the mop from me and shove it to Toby, saying, "Dry the floor, take off your wet clothes and clean up yourself." Toby refused and kept crying. Without hesitation, Susan dragged Toby to the basement.

I was helpless when I heard Toby cry. I wanted to get him out but Toby's grandmother stopped me and said, "This is what Susan has to do."

After a while, Toby stopped crying and yelled, "I'm sorry, mom." Susan stood outside and said, "Then do you know what to do now?" "Yes." Susan opened the door and watch Toby walked out with two streaks of tears on his face. After that, he removed his pants and clothes. He walked into the toilet and started washing his clothes.

Toby的外公外婆看著表情驚異的我，意味深長地笑了。 
這件事讓我感觸頗深。在很多中國家庭，父母管教孩子時，
常常會引起“世界大戰”，往往是外婆外公護，爺爺奶奶攔，夫妻吵架，雞飛狗跳。
後來，我和Toby的外公外婆聊天時，提到這件事，
Toby的外公說了一段話，讓我印象深刻。 
他說，孩子是父母的孩子，首先要尊重父母對孩子的教育方式。
孩子雖然小，卻是天生的外交家，
當他看到家庭成員之間出現分歧時，他會很聰明地鉆空子。
這不僅對改善他的行為毫無益處，反而會導致問題越來越嚴重，甚至帶來更多別的問題。 
而且，家庭成員之間發生沖突，
不和諧的家庭氛圍會帶給孩子更多的不安全感，
對孩子的心理發展產生不利影響。
所以，無論是父輩與祖輩在教育孩子的問題上發生分歧，
還是夫妻兩人的教育觀念有差異，都不能在孩子面前發生沖突。

Toby's grandpa seemed amused as he watched my bewildered expression. I reflected on myself and realised that in typical Chinese family, whenever the parents are disciplining the kids, it always end in 'world war' because of protection & defense from both sides of grandparents. The husband & wife quarrel and everything turn sour.

Later when I chatted with Toby's grandparents, his grandpa mentioned something that left me a deep impression. He said, "Children are their parents' kids. We have to respect how they discipline their kids. Although the kids are still young but he is able to observe when the family members have disputes & disagreement. It isn't helpful to his development and may brought about other problems in the future. When family members have disputes, the disharmony will bring the kids a lot of insecurities. Try not to show difference in disciplinary methods in front of the kids."

Toby的外公外婆在家裏住了一周，準備回加利福尼亞了。
臨走前兩天，Toby的外公鄭重地問女兒：
「Toby想要一輛玩具挖掘機，我可以買給他嗎？」
Susan想想，說:「你們這次已經送給他一雙旱冰鞋作為禮物了，
到聖誕節時，再買玩具挖掘機當禮物送給他吧！」 
我不知道Toby的外公是怎麽告訴小家夥的，
後來我帶Toby去超市，他指著玩具挖掘機說：
「外公說，聖誕節時，給我買這個當禮物。」語氣裏滿是欣喜和期待。
雖然Susan對Toby如此嚴格，Toby卻對媽媽愛得不得了。
他在外面玩時，會采集一些好看的小花或者他認為漂亮的葉子，
鄭重其事地送給媽媽；別人送給他禮物，他會叫媽媽和他一起拆開；
有什麽好吃的，也總要留一半給媽媽。\ 
想到很多中國孩子對父母的漠視與冷淡，我不得不佩服我的洋媳婦。
在我看來，在教育孩子的問題上，美國媽媽有很多值得中國媽媽學習的地方。

Toby's grandparents stayed with us for one week before they have to return to California. Two days before, Toby's grandpa asked Susan, "Toby wants a bulldozer, can I buy him one?" Susan thought about it and said, "But you only recently gave him a pair of ice skates. You can buy him that during Christmas instead."

I had no idea how Toby's grandpa managed to convince the little guy. Later when I brought Toby out to the supermarket, he found a bulldozer toy and said happily & excitedly, "Grandpa say he's gonna get me this for Christmas!"

Although Susan is very strict with Toby, but he loves his mother so much. When he's outdoors, he will pick some lovely flowers or leaves and give it to his mom. Whenever everyone gives him a present, he would ask his mother to open the present together. Whenever there's goodies, he'd always leave some for her.

There are so many China kids who are so cold towards their parents. I had to give credit to my American daughter-in-law. From the way I see it, American moms has many things that China moms ought to learn & follow after.